


Say my name again

by LadyStitch



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Love, Romance, Smut, mature content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-28 14:14:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 43,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6332347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyStitch/pseuds/LadyStitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The relationship between Commander Sharilin Shepard and Major Kaidan Alenko has always been complicated. Now, with the Reapers destroying the galaxy, will they be able to resolve their problems before it's too late? Will their love prevail again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! =)
> 
> It's about time I have been thinking about working on my old fanfics because they were badly written. Now I think that my English and my writing style got improved, so I decided that the moment has come. I deleted them from here and started to correct and rewrite part of them, creating a whole new Shenko fanfic. And now I want to post it here, too.
> 
> A big big big "thank you" goes to the lovely _Ladyamesindy_ , who helped me with the first part of the fic, and then to the awesome _Jules Hawk_ , who both beta-tested it for me. You're awesome my dears! <3
> 
> Just one last thing. It's not needed ofc, but I recommend you to read my **"[28 days of Commander Sharilin Shepard](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9193331/1/28-days-of-Commander-Sharilin-Shepard)"** drabbles, because there will be some refernces to episodes I wrote in there. You can find them on **[FFnet](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9193331/1/28-days-of-Commander-Sharilin-Shepard)** (but I'll probably post them here as well, soon). Anyway, whenever something like that will happen, I'll write in the notes where you can read about it. ;)
> 
> So, get ready to read my canon Shepard's story, and if you'll find some time to drop me a review, you'll make me very very happy!

_08/15/2186_ _–_ _Citadel, Huerta Memorial_

Inhale… Exhale…

Inhale… Exhale…

Major Kaidan Alenko stands near his bed, wearing only his boxers and holding his dogtags tight in his hand. He breathes slowly, trying to calm down the tremors that shake his body as he stares outside the huge window of his hospital room.

The peaceful view of the Presidium, with its huge fountains, green trees, and artificially bright sky, is not enough to calm his anxiety about what’s going to happen later that day. This afternoon, he will join the ‘Special Tactics and Reconnaissance’ forces of the Citadel Council: he will become a Spectre, and the idea terrifies him.

_“I’d like an answer, Major. The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you… Now, more than ever.”_

It took quite a long time for Kaidan to accept Udina’s offer, and he still can’t believe that this is really happening to him. How is this possible? He was just a humble boy from Vancouver – how did he end up becoming a Major, and then the Second Human Spectre?

Oh well, he knows why. It was all thanks to _her_.

Commander Sharilin Shepard.

The first woman and the youngest soldier who became an N7 operative, the Survivor of Akuze, the Savior of the Citadel, and the First Human Spectre.

Since meeting her, he hasn’t spent a single day without thinking about her. She has been his Commanding officer, his comrade, his best friend, his soul mate, the love of his life.

Alenko has always been an introverted, solitary man, never using his biotics to their fullest because he was haunted by memories of BAaT. However, when their journey together started, she encouraged him to excel at what he was doing – and so he did.

Yet, it’s been a long and painful experience since the crash of the old Normandy. He had severe problems with his L2 implant and he almost went mad after the loss of his beloved Shepard. He spent some weeks on shore leave at his parents’ house with only beer and whiskey for company, watching over the English bay and longing for her.

He carried on through life in a slow agony, trying to pick up the pieces, hiding his despair as he came back on duty. No one needed to know how much he was suffering, or even that he and his Commander fell in love. Fraternization was forbidden in the Alliance; if any blame was to be made for that, Kaidan didn’t mind being the target, but her reputation was not to be harmed.

Therefore he began to work harder, training his body and his biotics intensely, fighting like hell on each mission as if it were the last – perhaps a part of him wanted that. He always survived, though, and he owed it to her, feeling the responsibility to carry on her mission to warn the galaxy of the Reapers threat.

His combat skills kept improving, until the day the Alliance awarded his heroic deeds by promoting him to Staff Commander. Councilor Anderson had had an eye on him since Shepard’s death: Kaidan never knew if he was privy to their love story, and still, somehow, the older man recognized the depth of his pain, and supported his need to be as busy as possible.

Right after his promotion, he was assigned to the human colony of Horizon. His experiences here, however, threw his recovery for a loop. He survived the Collectors’ attack, somehow managing not be taken for reasons he would never know, only to come face to face with a ghost. _Her_ ghost.

* * *

_The Commander stands right in front of him, the gorgeous smile she gives him is nothing less than a perfect copy of Alenko’s memories, and all he is able to do is pull her into his arms, to feel her armored body against his, the familiar lavender scent of her beautiful red hair flooding his senses._

Oh my God, she is alive. She is alive. My love is alive!

_“It’s been too long, Kaidan. How’ve you been?” she asks when he releases her from his embrace._

_Suddenly he stops, his blood turning cold in his veins._

_“Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened!” he spats at her. “I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I– I loved you! Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?” His words sound desperate._

_“Not my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me.”_

What? Rebuilt? Is she crazy? What– I can’t believe it!

_Alenko’s pulse quickens and becomes erratic. He notices a freak, tattooed woman behind the Commander and– Garrus._

Garrus? Oh my God. She’s called Garrus and not me!

* * *

The joy of seeing her alive quickly turned into anger, and he started to say awful things. Things that Kaidan came to regret later, though, in that moment, he couldn’t stop himself from vomiting them: he felt betrayed by the woman he loved more than his own life.

When he arrived back on the Citadel, he went straight to Anderson’s office, seeking answers. The Councilor confessed that he’d already met with Shepard a few days ago, and she had explained all about her death and rebirth, about her investigations concerning the missing colonies and her work with Cerberus – _with_ not _for_ , she emphasized. He also told Alenko that she had asked about him, but Anderson couldn’t reveal where he was because she wasn’t with the Alliance anymore.

_Did she want to contact me? Oh._

It took him several days to consider the Councilor’s words. Then he decided to write her a message; the result was somewhat messy and confused, a reflection of Kaidan’s current state of mind. Sadly, he never received any reply from her.

After Horizon, Staff Commander Alenko kept doing his job even better than before. Anderson informed him that Shepard and her crew were making a suicide run through the Omega relay. To keep himself from worrying about her, he threw himself headlong into his job. His combat and biotic skills were stronger than ever, and soon the Alliance promoted him to Major. They also offered him the opportunity to teach and guide the new generation of biotic recruits, the hope and the future of the human military forces.

It was a great honor for him, nevertheless he was worried about how he would make it all work. He found reassurance and inspiration in his memories of his Commander. Her successes and achievements. Pride in her outweighed any concerns – all that mattered to him was becoming a better soldier, so that, when he would meet her again, she would notice the difference.

Six months later, Kaidan returned to Vancouver, and what he found out there shocked him utterly: during that same time, Shepard returned to Earth and was placed under arrest for the destruction to the Bahak system which caused the deaths of 300,000 Batarian colonists. As he learned more about what happened, many of Alenko’s doubts and fears came back to haunt him.

 _No it’s impossible. The Commander Shepard I know would never slaughter thousands of innocent people. Not without a good reasons. But_ – _is she really that same woman?_ He wanted so badly to believe it was her, yet, he couldn’t stop wondering about what Cerberus could have done to her body and her mind.

He needed answers, hence he went to her apartment to speak with her. When he arrived, however, he found a guard standing before her door, his arms crossed on his large and impressive muscular chest, and a serious look on his face that was covered by short beard and scars.

* * *

_“Is this Shepard’s apartment, soldier?” Kaidan asks the guard._

_“Yes, sir,” he replies shortly._

_“What’s your name, soldier?”_

_“I am Lieutenant James Vega, sir.”_

_“Listen Lieutenant, I am Major Kaidan Alenko and I am here to talk to the prisoner.”_

_“No one can have any kind of interaction with her, sir. Sorry, Admiral Anderson’s orders.”_

* * *

Despite the ban, the next day Kaidan finally did meet her, along with Anderson and Vega, but it was nothing like he dreamed about: she was cold, her eyes absent and her tone unfriendly.

Their encounter had been brief, thought it was enough to make his stomach jump with emotion: the Commander was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his entire life, with long curvy fiery red hair, sky-blue eyes shining bright like a day full of sun, perfectly shaped full lips with the same cherry lip-gloss (the only kind of make-up she ever used), smooth pale skin that was once adorned by tiny lovely scars, now unblemished.

However, her gorgeous appearance wouldn’t deceive anyone. She was always a deadly warrior, a powerful biotic and a master with her shotguns. She was also a capable leader, her magnetic charisma convinced even the toughest of the krogans to follow her to hell and back. None of this changed over the years, as Kaidan found out first hand during their mission on Mars.

So now here he is, becoming a Spectre and following her example – an example so difficult to emulate.

* * *

_Shepard just stepped into his room, and Kaidan’s heart is already racing in his chest at the sight of her._

_God, how much he misses her._

_“What did Udina want? Still thinking about the Spectre position?” she questions him as she takes a chair to sit next to his bed._

_He was so eager to know her opinion about the possibility of becoming a Spectre like her, that he wrote her an email asking her to come by to visit him. But after Horizon, after Mars… he wasn’t sure she would want to meet him anymore. So he can barely believe she’s here now._

_“It’s a big honor… a huge responsibility. Just need to be sure,” he answers, trying not to sound too excited._

* * *

She didn’t say anything, much to his disappointment. Actually, he couldn’t blame her for that – a lot of things had changed between the two of them, she probably thought she didn’t have any right to tell him what to do.

He understood that it was his, and only _his_ , decision to make, just like all the others he made during the last two years and half that he spent without her.

* * *

_The second time that Shepard comes to visit him, Alenko is finally out of his bed, greeting her while standing on his own feet. “Maybe you already read my email, but I accepted Udina’s offer.”_

_“Spectre Kaidan Alenko. That’s a big deal,” she congratulates him._

_“Only the Second Human Spectre. It’s humbling,” he asserts, embarrassed. “Udina thinks they might have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. He says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto.”_

_The woman nods. “I know that, as the First Human Spectre I have to attend to it as well.”_

_“Oh, really?” He smiles happily at the idea of having her at his side that important day._

_“Yes. Are you ready to take on that responsibility?”_

_“You set the bar pretty high, but I’ll do my best.” He chuckles. “It’s strange… On Mars, I should have died. The promotion from Anderson, Spectre status… These are terrible days, though I’ve been lucky.”_

_“You’re perfect for the job,” she reassures him with her professional tone. “On Eden Prime, I could see there was something special about you. You’re a good soldier.”_

_“That means a lot, Shepard, thanks. I’m happy. I want to serve.”_

* * *

He always wanted to serve, and being a Spectre will help him do this it in the best way possible. However, he would prefer to do it with her.

He was so proud of being part of her crew. Being at her side and helping her meant everything to him. Even now he would do anything for a chance to go back to the Normandy with her. All his titles don’t matter to him: she will always be his Commander.

Unfortunately, the situation between the two of them is awkward, and it is his all his fault.

The times she came to visit him they talked a little about Horizon, about Mars, and she reassured him they were good. But ‘good’ isn’t enough for him. Even if he doubted her all those times, he never ever stopped being madly in love with her.

He wants her, in every way possible.

_I have to do something. I need her so badly._

A faint beep from his omni-tool warns him that is time to get ready.

All his muscles tense up.

Inhale… Exhale…

Inhale… Exhale…


	2. Chapter 2

_08/15/2186_ _–_ _Normandy SR-2, Captain_ _’_ _s cabin_

The huge loft is completely silent, except for the faint gurgle of the water inside the fish tanks.

Commander Sharilin Shepard is sitting on her large bed, staring at her closet with an incomprehensible look on her face. Part of her N7 suit hangs open, showing her black bra as if she’s going to take it off, while her long curvy red hair falls disarranged over her shoulders.

Minutes pass and she doesn’t move a single muscle, save for the regular rise and fall of her chest that indicates she’s a living and breathing creature, not a statue. She’s lost in her thoughts, her furrowed brows suggesting that there’s something concerning her.

“Shepard, Councilor Udina sent you a message on your private terminal.” The voice of the AI of the ship startles the woman, finally stirring her from that trance-like state.

“What? Another?” she exclaims, shocked.

“At the moment this is his seventeenth message of the day.”

“Damn it.”

She knows exactly what he wrote in his umpteenth email, as he did in all the previous ones, today, yesterday and the day before yesterday.

_– Don’t forget you must attend the ceremony. –_

“It seems like the Councilor doubts you’ll be there, Shepard,” EDI states.

“Yeah. He never trusted me in _anything_. But this time… He’s so nervous since he’s the one who organized the event.” And he’s also pissed because she has to be there, too.

Anyway, she’d be cursed if she could forget about this ceremony.

Today, her former subordinate aboard the old Normandy, Major Kaidan Alenko, is going to become the Second Human Spectre, just like she did almost 3 years ago. Udina ordered it to be a big celebration to boost people’s morale during the war, yet this is bullshit – he just wants to make a fuss about his new protégé.

 _Fuck him_ , she thinks.

Alenko is one of the bravest and most loyal soldier she has ever met, and she’s so glad that it is finally being acknowledged by everyone, though she hates the fact that the Councilor wants to take advantage of his flawless service history for his own purposes.

“When will we arrive at the Citadel, EDI?”

“We’re going to dock in 25 minutes, Shepard.”

“Thanks,” she says as she gets up on her feet. “Ok, I’ve got to get dressed.”

She approaches the closet, her movements slow and uncertain, and, when she reaches it, she gives a gloomy sigh.

The truth is that she doesn’t want to take part in the ceremony. Palaven, Grissom Academy, Sur’Kesh, Utukku, Benning, Omega… She’d gladly repeat all those missions she just accomplished instead of going on the Citadel now.

This may be the most important day of Kaidan’s life, and she’ll have to act professional, nothing more than a colleague, likely a stranger to him. And she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to do this.

Because Kaidan Alenko is the love of her life.

They fell in love when he was a Staff Lieutenant and she was his Commanding officer. They fell in love despite of all the Alliance rules against fraternizations. They fell in love even if they didn’t know if they’d survive during their chasing for Saren. They shared so many important moments together, and she has been sure they’d be together forever.

Sadly, the Reapers had a different plan in mind when they sent the Collectors to attack her ship, killing her.

Now, thanks to Miranda Lawson and that insane visionary that calls himself ‘the Illusive Man’, she’s back to life. Still, when they first met on Horizon after her awakening, Alenko rejected her.

_“I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real, I… I loved you.”_

_‘Loved’_ he said. Past tense.

He did move on without her, and that idea almost killed the woman once again.

However he was right, she didn’t contact him, but just because she hasn’t been able to. She tried – God knows how much she tried, with no success, both the Alliance and the Illusive Man hiding from her the information about his actual position.

That day she attempted to explain it to him, yet he didn’t want to believe in her honesty and he accused her of betraying the Alliance, since she was working with Cerberus. Staring at his back, as he walked away from her, broke her heart into pieces.

Nevertheless, no matter how much time has passed, how many things have happened, how many harsh words he has said to her, she will always love him.

* * *

 _The Commander has been grounded on Earth for about six months, being held in an apartment under house arrest. She’s going crazy, the Reapers will attack soon, and she is wasting her days doing nothing,_ nothing!

_Six months without extranet, without a friendly face, except for some occasional visits from Admiral Anderson, and for her bodyguard, Lieutenant James Vega. He has the task of guarding her door, keeping anyone from interacting with her, though often he enters her room to have a chat, despite his orders. He is a strange guy but he’s funny, even when he tries to flirt shamelessly with her._

_Anyway, she’s not interested in him, of course. She likes– she likes–_ No.

 _She doesn’t want even to_ recall _his name – he has made her suffer too much. But during these months spent mucking around, all she can do is think about him, sing about him, even watch movies and wonder about him. His picture on her desk is a constant reminder for her of how much he still means to her._

_“Commander.” James suddenly arrives._

_“You’re not supposed to call me that anymore James,” she corrects him._

_“I’m not supposed to salute you either. We’ve got to go. The Defense Committee wants to see you.”_

_“Sounds important.” Shepard can barely believe she is finally going out of her prison._

_Soon they meet Anderson, who begins to explain her what’s happening, and when the three arrive near the Defense Committee chamber, he stops to talk to another soldier while Vega is dismissed by the woman with a friendly handshake._

_“Anderson.” Someone calls the Admiral, and suddenly the world seems to stop around the Commander, because she recognizes immediately that husky, warm, familiar tone. “Shepard…”_

_She catches her breath, unable to move._ Oh God, not now, not here. I’m not ready.

_James glances at her with a questioning look on his face. She inhales deeply, and then somehow she finds the courage to turn around._

_There he is. “Kaidan…”_

_She feels her knees buckling but her strong will makes her move forward, near the Admiral, acting like nothing strange is happening to her._

_“How’s it going there, Major?” Anderson questions him._

_“Ok I think, hard to know. I’m just waiting for orders now.” Kaidan’s voice caresses Shepard’s ears._

_“Major?” she asks surprised._

_“You haven’t heard?”_

_“No, I haven’t.” How could she have? She hasn’t got any news about him since Horizon, and that unique message he sent her._

_She swallows hard at the sight of him. He has become even more handsome, the Alliance BDUs fitting his sculptured body like a glove, and his beautiful dark hair is now speckled with grey. She feels her stomach twisting, her heart beating like an hammer in her chest, and a shiver of pure desire running down her spine._

Be strong, Shepard. You can do this, don’t be sad in front of him. _The voice of reason spurs her._

_“Sorry, Shepard… It’s been… Wow…” Alenko appears very embarrassed._

No way, be strong. Don’t stare into his wonderful amber eyes. _Don’t_.

_“That’s ok… Just… I’m glad I bumped into you, Kaidan.” She sounds very cold even to herself._

That’s it. You’re doing right, Shepard.

_“Yeah, me too.” He cracks a smile, but the Admiral is already proceeding through the door, and she has to follow him._

Don’t look back. Don’t look back. Don’t look back, Shepard. _And she doesn’t look back, despite sensing his gaze burning on her back._

* * *

Their meeting was brief. Even what followed – the Reapers’ attack on Earth, Anderson’s insistence to stay on Earth to lead the resistance there, the flight to Mars – didn’t give them much time for intimacy.

 _Mars._ The Commander shudders at the memory, as she takes off her clothes.

Alenko’s mistrust towards her showed up again while they were fighting the Cerberus troops they found in there.

_“Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here? You worked for them, for God’s sake. How am I not supposed to think that? They rebuilt you from the ground up. They gave you a ship, resources…”_

_“I just want to know, is the person I followed to hell and back… the person that I loved… are you still in there… somewhere?”_

_‘Loved’_ he repeated.

His words were clear on Horizon, there was no need to reiterate the fact that he didn’t want her anymore, damn it. But there was no time for Shepard to whine over her broken heart, because of the face-off with Doctor Eva.

Kaidan almost died in front of her eyes, his head slammed against the shuttle by that damned Cerberus bot. Thankfully he’s a very resilient man, and he survived, even if he’s now having a long recovery.

* * *

_“Hey Kaidan.” The Commander enters into his hospital room. “I’m glad you asked me to come. It’s good to see you’re going to be okay.”_

_“Thanks.” He gives her a shy smile that makes her heart skip a beat._

_“You almost died on my watch. It was horrible to see.” She can’t believe he actually made it. “And I care about what happens to you.”_

_“Me, too. That means a lot, Shepard.” He clear his throat, embarrassed. “So, I want to make sure… after Mars, after Horizon… You and me, we’re good?”_

We’re good? You rejected me, you told me I was a traitor, you accused me to be the Illusive Man’s puppet! How are we supposed to be good?

_She wants to yell at him, though she knows it would be wrong. He’s trying to prove to her he wants to patch things up – at least she can recognize him that._

_“We’ve been through hell together, had each other’s backs. That kind of bond is hard to break.” She manages to be as polite as possible._

_“But no, not just that. You were my commander, sure. But you listened, too,” he amends, “When I told you about how Rahna broke my heart, you didn’t judge me. You knew I needed that.”_

And I needed _you_. I _still_ need you.

_“We went through Ash’s death together.”_

_“Yeah, we did,” she nods._

And we spent the most wonderful and romantic month of shore leave together.

_“So, what do you say? Are we good?”_

No, we’re not good. I love you, and yet there’s nothing I can do to have you back, right?

_Shepard wants to cry out, but she does not. Instead she lies to him, “We’re good. It was great to have you back on the Normandy.”_

_“Thanks.” Alenko grins. “I’m really glad you came by. Talking like this, reminds me how much I like you.”_

_She startles when he brushes his fingers on her arm that is resting on his bed._

You– you what?

_“We’re good together.”_

No. Stop it. That’s not the truth.

_“You know, I’m not sure that I’ve been wrong about Cerberus… but I’ve been wrong about you.”_

Of course you were, damn it.

_She tries to ignore the warmth of his hand on hers._

_“I really hope we’re going to be able to get past what happened on Horizon, once and for all.”_

_“We should not think about it anymore,” the Commander attempts to cut him off._

Stop talking about Horizon. Please. I’ll never be able to get past the fact that I lost you.

_“But I really want it, Shepard. As friends… as more than friends. I mean, I don’t know… I just like having you in my life.”_

Wha– What?

_“Maybe you should just know that I’m not seeing anyone and… and that I still care.”_

* * *

The Commander can’t understand why he said those things.

_“I like you… To be more than friends… I still care…”_

What did he mean? Maybe he regretted–

 _Stop. Don’t you even start to deceive yourself, Shepard._ The voice of reason scolds her.

She stares at her own image on the mirror in the bathroom, her new blue Official Alliance suit fits her just fine, and her long hair is now tied into a ponytail. Perhaps should she comb them in a bun? Screw this, she doesn’t like buns.

_Get ready, Shepard. Go and do your job, because this is all that matters. You and Kaidan… it will never happen anymore, you know that._

She sighs as she moves near her desk, the picture frame switching on, showing Alenko’s smiling face.

_He’s a Major, he has his own Spec-ops squad, and now he will be a Spectre. He has his career, his own life. He’s not your young sweet Lieutenant anymore. Today may be the last time you’ll ever see him._

This new awareness hits her like a punch into her stomach. Actually, he’s going to leave the hospital soon, and even if she hoped he would rejoin the Normandy, he’ll probably have his own tasks to attend to. So she won’t have an excuse to go and see him anymore.

_God. Is this the end… for real? Oh no…_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this sad chapter, along with the renders I made inspired by it! ;)

_08/15/2186_ _–_ _Citadel, Council Tower_

More than three years has passed, but nothing in the Citadel Tower has changed. The huge hall is always full of pink blooming trees, their delicate scent flooding Shepard’s senses as she approaches the peak of the chamber, where the Councilors usually stand.

So much has happened since her own Spectre induction ceremony, and she’d do anything to be able to return to that day. Earth and the other planets wouldn’t be under Reapers’ attack yet, she would have plenty of time to convince everyone about their threat. She would have avoided the Collectors’ attack, so that she wouldn’t have died and then she wouldn’t be resurrected by Cerberus. She wouldn’t have left the Alliance. She wouldn’t have left Kaidan.

 _These are stupid and useless thoughts. Stop it now._ The voice of reason comes back to spur her on.

She inhales deeply, trying to calm her anxiety, with no success. She’s all alone in there, none of her crewmates has been allowed to take part in the event – at least Vega, her former Alliance bodyguard, would be at the reception afterwards.

_There you are. Let’s do it, and then put an end to this story once and for all._

* * *

“It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel.”

“Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file.”

“Spectres are an ideal, a symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will.”

“Spectres bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold.”

“You are the Second Human Spectre, Major Alenko. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species, as it was for your predecessor, the Commander Shepard.”

* * *

Thankfully, the ceremony is as brief as her own.

_Major Kaidan Alenko just became a Spectre like you, Shepard._

She waits at the beginning of the footbridge, so she can’t see his expression while the Councilors give their celebration speech, but she is able to admire him from behind. The warm and dim lights of the Citadel Tower pleasantly reflect off his salt and pepper hair, making it almost glow; his official dress blues, the same she’s wearing, is stretching sexy over the solid muscles of his back.

Her heart is racing in her chest for she must face him now, and she’s not ready for it. Not at all.

_You’ve to greet him officially. You’re here only because of that, Shepard. Remember, this is just business._

She takes another deep breath and starts to walk gradually, while he’s turning around towards her. She advances slowly, her body tense and consumed by anguish.

She doesn’t want to be there, it hurts too much.

Each time she sees Kaidan, she feels like someone stabs her in the belly, because it’s a reminder of what she had and will never get back: his love, his caring and support, _him_.

Ever since first meeting him, he has been the only thing she desperately longed for, and now, without him, she’s lost.

She keeps moving, her posture straight and sure – the perfect Alliance officer.

_You’re goddamned Commander Shepard, the First Human Spectre. Never forget that._

Suddenly, she meets his look and all her world flips upside down. She almost stumbles inattentively, totally ravished by those amazing caramel colored eyes that are staring at her.

_Fuck. Keep walking, Shepard. Luckily he didn’t notice your damn brief moment of weakness, but let’s not repeat it. Be professional as you usually are. Remember, this is only business._

She manages to focus her attention somewhere else away from him, gasping noiselessly to relax a bit. The footbridge seems to be endless and she feels like his gaze is setting her on fire.

_Come on Shepard, it’s all right. You’re almost there. Calm down._

She finally arrives in front of the new Spectre, who immediately gives her a salute. She responds to him, avoiding eye-to-eye contact again, and remains still.

After a while, they both lower their arms and, unexpectedly, he holds out his hand to her. Caught by surprise, she raises her head and there they are – one more time those intense brown globes are ready to hypnotize her.

His eyes always has been able to read into her mind, to soothe away her doubts, to rid her of all her worries, to make her feel the most beautiful and loved creature in the whole galaxy.

A surge of tears assails her, but she forces it back and carefully grasps his hand.

_Shepard, it’s just business._

When they thouch, she’s invaded by a strong sensation, like thousand sparkles of electricity flowing through her body, making her heart beat faster, her stomach flutter and sending chills down her spine.

Her biotics awaken, interacting with his, as they used to do a long time ago and which almost set her trembling. That feeling is as intense as she remembers – and pleasant, so damn pleasant.

She has met many other biotics during her career, though her powers have never responded with any of them the way they always do with Kaidan. Just a light brush over her skin, and she would squirm under his touch. And when they made love… Oh God–

_Stop it, Shepard. You can’t think about such things like that._

For a moment she ignores the voice of reason, and time seems to halt around them.

She’s totally mesmerized by him, who’s glancing at her… fondly? She can’t understand why. She is completely aware there’s nothing between the two of them anymore – even if the idea almost kills her.

So why is he looking at her in that way, holding her hand so gently?

This is the third time he has touched her, since the day she returned from the dead.

The first time was on Horizon, and he was relieved. Relieved to see her alive, breathing and quivering in his arms.

The second time was in the hospital, and he was feeling guilty. Guilty because of his mistrust and his doubts towards her.

And now? He is simply acting like a professional soldier should do… right?

_Yes, Shepard. It’s over. You know that._

Suddenly his index finger strokes her palm slowly and she almost gulps in amazement; the expression on his face is so lovingly–

_“Maybe you should just know that I’m not seeing anyone and… and that I still care.”_

His ambiguous words come back into her mind. Why did he say that to her? Why is he now acting like there is something special between them yet? Why? Does he–

_Shepard, you can’t deceive yourself. He rejected you and he doesn’t want you anymore. It’s over. Nothing can change that._

She remembers very well how his hands, so warm and comforting, used to wander all over her bare skin, brushing and teasing her together with his soft lips. She has been with several different men, using sex to relieve her stress, at least for a brief moment. But with Kaidan, she made love for the very first time in her life. His attentive caresses, his sweet kisses, his burning passion, his husky hot voice murmuring into her hear words full of love and desire–

_Shepard, don’t do it to yourself. You’ll never have any of those things back. It’s over. You’ve got to let him go._

Actually, now he is free to touch another woman in the same way, making her feel so precious, coveted and lucky. Maybe he already has, during those lost years – well, for her it has been like 9 months, though it doesn’t change the situation.

She struggles to not give up and cry, overwhelmed by her own emotions.

_Shepard, it doesn’t matter how much you love him. It’s over. You know that._

A storm of applause comes from the audience and rouses her from her thoughts: oh yes, they are at the Citadel Tower, it’s Alenko’s celebration and she is here just to congratulate her new Spectre colleague.

She hopes that this moment will never end, she doesn’t want to break the contact with him, but she knows she has to.

 _Come on Shepard, you can run away now. You_ must _run away now._

_ _

She cannot move away as his hand still holds hers. She doesn’t want to let go. She wants to stay with him, forever.

_You can’t, Shepard. You know that. It’s over. You’ve got to let him go._

She bites the inside of her cheek and she gathers all her strength to free herself from his hold. When she succeeds, it seems like someone is ripping her heart out from her ribs. It’s so painful she can barely breathe, yet she knows she had to do it.

_Go away, Shepard. It’s over. You’ve got to let him go._

She begins to move backwards, giving him one last sad glimpse, then she turns around and leaves the footbridge. She’s sure this has been the last time she will ever touch him, and this certainty hurts more than ten husks assailing her, trying to break her shields.

_The hardest part is done. Now you’ve only to attend to the party. After that, it will be over. Forever._

Yes, now there’s the fucking party at Udina’s office. Then– then she doesn’t know if she will ever see Kaidan anymore. Perhaps it would be for the best.

_Seeing him is too grievous for you, Shepard. You can’t go on like this._

God, her throat burns like hell for all the tears she’s stifling.

She needs to pour out her sorrows, she needs to cry, she needs to scream, though she can’t.

_It’s over, Shepard. Don’t look back. You’ve got to let him go._

Her limbs are weary and heavy, and each step she makes away from him is like a kick into her guts.

All her willpower is going to fall to pieces soon, she has to hurry.

_It’s over, you know that Shepard. You’ve got to let him go._

Years ago she was accustomed to the idea of being alone for the rest of her life, and she was ok with that. Yet, after having Kaidan at her side, who was her friend, her comrade, her partner, her support, her lover, surrendering to the fact that she has lost him is intolerable.

_But it’s over. You’ve got to let him go._

She always has been a cold, solitary woman, her sole purpose was doing her job at best. And now she hates feeling so powerless, so distressed, so human.

However it’s all her fault. She should never have let her guard down and allow him to conquer her heart completely.

_He’s your weak spot. That’s wrong. You’ve to forget him and focus only on your mission. You’ve got to let him go._

Yes, she has to let him go.

One more stair, and she’s finally out of his sight.

_Good job, Shepard._

She doesn’t notice Alenko’s attempt to stop her retreat.

She doesn’t notice the Councilors recalling his attention more than once.

She doesn’t notice his desperate expression as he glances at her for the last time.

She doesn’t even notice the love he tries to show her with his concealed gestures.

She doesn’t know that all he wants is to be with her again, too.

She just runs away, broken and hopeless.

_Shepard, it’s really over._


	4. Chapter 4

_08/15/2186_ _–_ _Citadel, Embassies_

Councilor Udina organized a buffet in his office after the induction of the new Human Spectre. Pity that such Spectre is wishing he could run away from it.

Major Kaidan Alenko always hated official ceremonies. There’s too much confusion, too much noise, and today he’s feeling even more uncomfortable, because he is supposed to be the guest of honor. Having all those strangers wanting to greet him and telling him empty useless words, while Udina stands beside him, basking in the attention himself, is an annoying waste of time. He doesn’t want to stay here, he doesn’t care about any of them.

No, this is not true. There’s at least one person here that is important for him, yet, she’s also the only one who’s staying away from him.

 _Shepard_.

He sighs as he glances at her across the room. To have her by his side during this day so important for his career means everything to him, but she acted awkwardly during the ceremony, almost like she didn’t want to be there.

 _What the hell happened?_ He asks himself.

He feels so sad, all he wanted was to see her smiling at him proudly, instead of being so damn cold.

_“We’re good. It was great to have you back on the Normandy.”_

She told him they were good. So why did she stay away from him? Why didn’t she look at him? Why didn’t she say a word to him, not even when she greeted him officially? Why did she seem completely astonished as he reached out to shake her hand?

No, apparently they’re not good at all.

 _Is it really over between us?_ Thinking about it gives him awful chills down his spine. _No. I love her so much. It can’t be over. I can’t stay without her. No._

Suddenly, the politician who is telling him countless of incomprehensible things, catches his attention again, though, luckily, he starts to argue with Udina and Alenko takes advantage of the situation to slip away to a more quiet side of the office.

 _Thank God, I couldn’t stand it anymore._ He thinks while he pulls at his collar with two fingers. He takes a deep breath, relieved, and focuses his attention back on the Commander.

She’s standing between two Asari who are speaking to her, but her eyes are fixed on the floor and she’s completely lost in her own thoughts. Somehow the aliens notice that she isn’t listening to them and they walk away, disappointed, leaving her alone.

 _Yes, now it’s my turn._ He drinks the liquor in his snifter in one gulp and then he begins to step towards her. Unfortunately, he doesn’t make it halfway when he sees a very muscular man approaching the Commander. He handles her a glass of wine and she brushes his arm, smiling.

Kaidan recognizes him as that soldier, Lieutenant James Vega, her ex-guard.

He remembers well the quarrel he had with Shepard the day of the Reapers’ attack on Earth. He didn’t want to leave the planet, so she yelled at him that he could come back once they’d get to the Citadel.

 _Did he change his mind? Did he stay on the Normandy with her?_ He stares surprised at the two of them as they move to the couch and they sit near each other.

The Major cannot move, blood freezing in his veins while his memories about the Lieutenant come to his mind all of sudden: the resolute way Vega prevented Kaidan from visiting Shepard while she was under arrest; the curious way he asked him, right after they finally met again, a moment before the attack, the question _“Do you know the Commander?”_ ; the friendly and carefree way he acts with her, who is also his Commanding superior.

 _No. This can’t be. There isn’t anything between them_ , _right?_ He begins to tremble. Without realizing it, he finds himself spying on them, hiding behind a corner close to where they’re seated.

“So, Lola, are you enjoying the party?” James asks her.

 _What? Lola? He nicknamed her? Shit._ Alenko gasps.

“Lieutenant, I don’t think this is the appropriate time or place to call me like that,” she states, upset.

“Oh come on, I know you love it, _Lola_!” He grins at her.

She doesn’t answer, instead she bends her head towards him, her lips a few inches from his ear, whispering something that Kaidan can’t hear.

 _No, please. It can’t be, Shepard. No._ His legs buckle helplessly.

Vega bursts into laughter when she leans her back on the seat again. “Mmmmh, you’re playing the perfect good officer, aren’t you, _Commander_?”

“Shut up, you fool.” She slaps his shoulder.

“You’re a workaholic, Shepard. I think you need distractions.”

“Yeah, and I guess you’re ready to offer yourself as a volunteer to entertain me.” She stares at him with a challenging look and crossing her arms on her chest.

 _What_ – _Oh no. No no no._ Alenko is petrified, caught by a terrible fear. _Shepard, you can’t. Please. I love you. I need you. Don’t do it._

James sprawls on the couch, his arms spread out, and his expression defying her. “Just ask.”

She chuckles, releasing her hands and taking a sip of wine from her glass. Realizing that she isn’t going to react, his face turns to be serious.

“Really, Commander, we both know that we’re going to face the most terrible enemy that the galaxy has ever encountered. You can’t go on like this, you have to relax.”

She puffs. “I’m Commander Shepard, I can’t relax. I’ll rest when I’m dead. Hoping that no one brings me back to life, _again_.”

Kaidan’s heart stops for a moment. _What the hell is she saying? Dying again? Goddamn no,_ no _! I can’t even_ – _NO!_

“That’s bullshit, Shepard.” Vega’s voice re-catches his attention. “You’re not going to die. All you need is some… recreational activity.”

She glimpses at him, sighing. “Well. It might not be a bad idea, after all.”

“Oh yes!” He claps excited.

“ _Still,_ given that this is _your_ idea, it’s definitely a terrible one.” She sniggers.

 _Yes, yes, yes, it is!_ The Major agrees.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh if you want, Commander. You have no idea what you’re missing.” The man seems a little hurt.

“I think I could survive with that doubt, James.” She winks at him.

 _Yes, thank God. Oh my_ – Alenko can barely manage not to fall on the floor, comforted.

“I know you’re just a terrible tease.” Shepard’s expression is now very serious. “However, I will not date, or bunk, with any of my crew. Especially not with a Lieutenant.”

Her last words hit Kaidan right into his stomach. What does she mean? That falling for him, her Lieutenant at that time, was a mistake? _No. It’s not possible. She can’t_ –

“Really James, stop with that,” she continues, “I’m not the kind of woman in for a one night stand. At least, not anymore.”

The soldier’s eyes open wide, amazed, “Not anymore?”

“Yeah, when I was younger I used to enjoy the company of hot sexy men, consumed by my own lust. Then, after– after–”

 _After what, Shepard?_ Alenko is holding his breath waiting for her to finish her sentence, though she stops.

Her eyebrows tense all of sudden, her face painfully twisted. “Damn it. I’ve got to get away from here.” And she gets up, rushing towards the door.

_“Shepard!”_

_Kaidan runs after her,and right outside of the office, he grabs her arm._

_She turns to look at him astonished. “Kaidan? What_ – _”_

_He doesn’t answer her, forcing her to follow him into a more hidden and quiet corner of the hallway. Then he pushes her against the wall. “Shepard, stop ignoring me.”_

_“What?” she repeats._

_“You are mine. I demand you not to think about other men.”_

_“Kai_ – _” He takes her face with his hands, not allowing her to speak._

_“I know I was an ass on Horizon and on Mars. But I love you, I always have. You’ll never be able to find another man that loves you more than I do.” He finishes his statement and pulls her near him._

_He stares into her sky-blue eyes for a moment and then starts kissing her eagerly, his heartbeats going insanely fast while having the love of his life wrapped in his arms after all this time._

_He caresses her soft cheeks and he can feel her own hands gripping at his shirt. His body crushes against hers, his tongue entering her mouth as soon as she surrenders to his action. He savors her deeply, sliding his fingers down her back, completely lost in the sensation of tasting her again, like he wished to do ever since Horizon._

_“I’ve missed you like hell,” he murmurs after he remains breathless, moving his mouth to brush over her chin and her neck._

_“Kaidan…” she pants, delighted._

_“Yes. Call my name again, my love.”_

_“Alenko…”_

“Alenko? Major Alenko! Where is Major Alenko?” Udina’s voice from somewhere else brings him back to reality.

Kaidan can’t move. He swallows hard the lump into his throat, fighting back all the tears that are obstinately trying to escape his eyes as he’s picturing that scene in his mind, his back flattened against the wall and his head held by his hands.

Nothing happens, he just stays there, his heart broken into pieces.

_Shepard, please. Come back to me. I need you. I love you so desperately, and I always will._

“Alenko, there you are.” The Councilor approaches him. “There are some people you have to meet, follow me.”

Luckily Udina is too focused on his own business to mind about his new Spectre’s anguished expression.

_I have got the get a hold of myself now. It’s my goddamned party. I can’t let my feelings turn me down. Not now._

He spends the rest of the afternoon shaking unknown hands, repeating meaningless words, following the politician’s leads. He barely recognizes the irony in that situation: he accused the Commander of being the Illusive Man’s puppet, and here he is being exactly the same thing for the Councilor she always hated.

Why didn’t he followed her outside the office? Because once again he had his duties to accomplish.

Actually, why would it have been wrong to follow her? The more he thinks about that, the less he finds a valid answer.

On Horizon he rejected her because she was with Cerberus, but with their help she defeated the Collectors, saved the human colonies in the Terminus Systems, and then she quit. He has seen her fighting them with his own eyes.

And all their friends, Joker, Garrus, Liara, also Chakwas, they’re all with her on the Normandy SR-2, and they never stopped believing in her. He really misses them too, and seeing no one of them today made him feel so damn sad. Turning his back to Shepard meant losing their trust as well?

All of sudden, a beep from his omni-tool interrupts his train of thoughts. As he opens the message, a relieved smile appears on his face.

\- _From: Jeff Moreau_

_To: Kaidan Alenko_

_Subject: Let’s celebrate_

_Hey Kaidan,_

_I bet you’re having a hell of an exclusive party at Udina’s place, with a lot of alcohol and Asari strippers. Otherwise I can’t really figure out why he didn’t allow any other member of Shepard’s crew to be part of it._

_Anyway, if you’ll want to take a break from all that merrymaking, I’ll be at Purgatory for the rest of the evening. Let me buy a drink for the new Spectre._

_No wait. Does becoming a Spectre mean you’ll get a pay rise? In that case, I’ll let you the honor to take care of the charges._

_Meet you there._

_Joker_ -


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! =)
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos! Please, drom me a comment about this story, if you want to. ;)
> 
> It’s not needed ofc, but I recommend you to read **[day 18](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9193331/18/)** , **[day 24](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9193331/24/28-days-of-Commander-Sharilin-Shepard)**  and **[day 27](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9193331/27/28-days-of-Commander-Sharilin-Shepard)** from my **"[28 days of Commander Sharilin Shepard](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9193331/1/28-days-of-Commander-Sharilin-Shepard)"** drabbles, to find out more about my OC Kevin, who makes an appearance in this chapter!  <3

“I’ve got to go away from here.”

Shepard abandons Udina’s party, exhausted.

This has been a really tough day for her, too many distressing emotions to handle – and Vega’s damned attitude didn’t help.

_“You have to relax, Shepard. All you need is a little… recreational activity.”_

Fuck him. Fuck Udina. Fuck everything.

She did her job, now all she wants is to lock herself alone into her cabin for the rest of the evening, watching old movies, drinking herself into stupor and eating a lot of junk food.

She steps quickly through the hallway of the Citadel Embassies, heading to the elevator, her mind lost into her thoughts, so that she doesn’t notice another soldier who’s walking hastily towards her. The collision between the two is quite violent, causing the Commander fall on the floor on her rear.

“Oh my, I’m so sorry. Are you ok?” she asks the stranger, a little dazed from the hit.

“Huh. Look who we have here: Commander Shepard,” he says with a playful tone.

 _Wait a minute, I know this voice,_ she thinks while she raises her head to stare at him. “Kevin.”

The handsome man, who’s standing in front of her, is a good friend if her, ever since the ITC, one of the most promising N7 recruits together with her, and a very powerful fighter.

He helps her to get up. “Glad to know you still remember me, Shep.”

“Come on, how could I ever forget about you, Commander Shaw?” she chuckles, staring into his beautiful green-grey eyes.

“Good to know.” He gives her a shining smile, the same smile that always managed to cheer her up even during the worst situations. “Anyway, it’s Major now,” he corrects her proudly, brushing his short blond hair with his fingers.

“Really?” she asks surprised. _Another Major. Great._

“Exactly. However, it’s so good to see you in the flesh. Last time I saw you, it was in your funeral vid.”

“Oh yeah.” She puffs. “Long story.”

“I bet it is. Sadly, I’ve to go now.” He starts to back away. “How about you tell me everything before some drinks, later?”

“What? Tonight? I–”

“You.” He points his index toward her. “Me, and alcohol.” He accentuates each word shaking his finger, his feet speeding up. “Meet you in a couple of hours at Purgatory.”

“No wait, I–” But he disappears behind the corner.

_Damn it._

* * *

Shepard sighs in resignation as she steps out of the elevator, near the Purgatory. She’s quite annoyed because her plans for the night have been shaken up, and she spent the last two hours looking for a way to avoid being here. Unfortunately, she has no way to reach Kevin – she lost all the information when she died. So she couldn’t contact him to cancel the date, and she doesn’t want to let him down with no explanations.

At least she had some time to have a shower, to change her clothes into something more comfortable – and to remember him.

Kevin Shaw, with his tall and slender yet muscular body, with his gorgeous face, his charming eyes, his broad forehead, his straight nose and his perfect thin lips, he caused the Commander a lot of troubles.

He was always at the top of the class at the ITC, very brave and capable. As soon as they began training, he made his mark, becoming the most respected and admired soldier among all her N colleagues. The two of them weren’t on the same team, and never went on any mission together, so Shepard never had the pleasure to work with him and to see him in action. On the other hand, that allowed them to become more intimate, without breaking any fraternization rule.

Since the first time they met, he started immediately to stalk her. At the very beginning she got bothered by his shameless behavior, and the way he kept telling her impudent lines.

_“I noticed you were sitting here all alone, a grave expression on your lovely face. And I realized I should join you, because a beautiful woman like you should never be alone, Shepard.”_

_“How am I supposed to concentrate on my N7 training if I’ll have such sexy sparring partner at my side?”_

_“Listen: ‘Shaw’_ – _‘Shepard’. ‘Shaw and Shepard’. This sounds so damn good! Yeah, we’re already a team.”_

Still, his impertinence and cuteness managed to find a little place into her cold heart, and she surrendered to his keen courtship. She enjoyed the moments they spent together, his giddy and cheerful presence was exactly what she needed during her free time between the rough N missions she had to face. And they had a lot of amazing hot sex.

Anyway they never have been a couple. Shepard grew fond of him, but she didn’t love him. Rather she always thought she wasn’t able to love a man, at least not in a romantic way. They just took the benefit of each other’s company when they had the occasion.

This, until she broke up with him for…

 _Kaidan._ Her whole body tenses once again.

_Maybe I shouldn’t have dumped Kevin. Our relationship was perfect, with no rules to infringe, no false claims, no troublesome feelings. Just a carefree friendship improved with great sex._

However, Shaw was the one who put an end to… well, whatever they had, because he knew her better than she wanted to admit, and he understood very quickly that she was in love with her young Lieutenant. So he let her go, acting like a goddamned gentleman all the way.

Her full lips stretch into an involuntary smile, remembering how happy he seemed when they met earlier. And yeah, she was glad, too.

_Perhaps spending the evening with him might be not a bad idea, after all._

While lost in her musings, the Commander finally enters into the club, her eyes searching the crowd for her friend. In a couple of seconds her attention is caught by someone sitting alone at a small table, waving at her.

“Hey Shep!” Kevin calls her, “Come here and seat down.”

“Hi there,” she greets him, following his instructions. “Mmmmh. N7 leather jacket, uh?”

“Yeah, I kinda like it.”

“It suits you very well.” Hell yes it does. These three years that had passed didn’t change him, he’s still very sexy.

“Thank you.” He smiles. “But hey, where is your N7 dress?” He points at her hoodie.

“Are you kidding me? I’d never use that awful piece of cloth.”

“Such a shame. It would fit on your curvy body so damn well,” he replies, disappointed.

“So, where’s my drink?” She tries to ignore his flirty words.

“What do you want? I’m buying, of course.”

“A Full Biotic Kick with two ice cubes, thanks.”

* * *

The evening goes on, and the two N7s are having a nice chat, about their past together and their present.

“Do you remember that night, when Tyler caught us sneaking out the ITC dorm in the middle of the night, Shep?” Shaw asks.

“Of course I do. We wanted to go to the Sugarloaf Mountain, to admire the view of Rio by night. That damned man was a killjoy.”

“Yeah, that wonk always has been a pain in the ass. He hated us, because we were the best at our courses, despite of being a little hot-headed.”

The Commander chuckles – that was so true.

“Did you know he retired from the Alliance?”

“What? Really?” The woman startles.

“During his last assignation he fell in love with one of his subordinates, so they both abandoned the military service.”

Shepard opens her eyes wide in surprise. “Are you serious? That’s incredible.”

“Yeah, I know. I was completely astonished as well when they told me that. All his preaching about following the rules, and then he ended being the one who broke them.”

 _Well, he’s not the only one,_ she thinks guilty.

Kevin must have read into her mind because his next question is exactly the one she was fearing since the beginning of the evening. “And what about you and your young Lieutenant?”

She takes a sip of her drink, and then shrugs. “He’s not a Lieutenant anymore. Actually, he’s a Major like you now.”

The blond soldier raises an eyebrow, intrigued. “So we’re all getting promoted except you, hey Shep?”

She gives a bitter laugh. “Hell yeah.”

“However,” he clears his throat. “You and him…”

“You know,” she sighs, “Apparently, dying and then being brought back to life by some terrorists don’t help your career, and your love affairs either.”

He brushes her arm that is resting on the table. “I’m sorry, Shep.”

“Thanks. But it’s ok. There are more important things to worry about than a broken heart.”

“Wait. Did he break your heart?” His beautiful eyes are full of concern.

“Yes– I mean no– I mean– God. It’s just– It’s over. End of story.”

“Shep.”

She pulls back her hand that was resting under his. “Kevin, stop.”

 _I can’t. I can’t, please._ Will it be always this hard to talk about Kaidan?

“I am so sorry.” Shaw shudders. “I shouldn’t have encouraged you to stay with him.”

“What? No, this is not your fault.”

Three years ago, when they met at Flux, together with some other of their N7 comrades, during her mission against Saren, the red-head lady’s intentions were to spent her night of shore leave with Kevin, shamelessly using him to forget her forbidden attraction for her biotic subordinate. Instead her friend persuaded her to admit that he was not the one she wanted, helping her to understand that she was in love with Alenko.

To know that the story between her and Kaidan would have ended like that, would it have changed her feelings for him? No, it wouldn’t.

“I don’t regret a thing, Kevin. Me and him… we had wonderful time together, and I am very grateful for that.”

_Even if it hurts so much._

She gulps fighting back her tears. “I’m all right. I have my ship, my crew, my mission to accomplish. And he has his own tasks, he just became a Council Spectre.”

“Oh wait, is he the brand new Second Human Spectre?”

“That he is. This afternoon I had to attend to his official ceremony at the Citadel Tower.”

“I see. And how do you feel now?”

Shepard stares at her cocktail, and she drinks it up in a swallow. “I’m fine. I’m– I’m over him.”

It seems like her lie doesn’t convince him, his expression clearly doubtful. Nevertheless, he grabs their empty glasses and gets up. “It’s time to refill.”

In a couple of minutes he’s back with two new drinks and a big satisfied grin on his face. “I’ve got a surprise for you, Shep.”

“Sounds interesting.” She sneers.

Suddenly the noisy techno music, that is usually played in all the club’s like Purgatory itself, stops and the DJ’s voice echoes out of the audio speakers. “And now let’s have a little break from our habitual broadcasting, to fulfill a request made by a dear friend of mine. Enjoy this vintage piece of human country music!”

Shaw approaches the Commander holding out his hands to her. “Let’s dance.”

“Wh-what?”

A well-known guitar riff starts to resonate all around the place, leaving her agape. “No, wait, you didn’t–”

“Yes, I did.” The soldier sniggers as he pulls her from her chair.

The very first evening of shore leave they had during the ITC, all the recruits had gone to visit the beautiful places of Rio de Janeiro. Unlucky, a terrible storm didn’t allow Kevin and Shepard to go to the beach, as she wished to do ever since she arrived on Earth. So they ended up staying into a little characteristic pub, spending the whole night there, drinking cachaça and listening to good music. The traditional Brazilian tracks kept alternating with oldies from other countries, until the song ‘Bad things’ came out. Neither of them had ever heard it before, though its captivating rhythm and odd lyrics enchanted them both and it jokingly became ‘their song’.

« I wanna do bad things with you. »

“No Kevin, wait!” She tries to oppose while he drags her to the dance floor.

“Come on, Shep. Just five minutes.”

« When you came in the air went out.  
And every shadow filled up with doubt. »

He takes her into his arms and looks down into her eyes, smiling. “Let’s go, like old times.”

Powerless, the woman surrenders. “All right, only five minutes.”

« I don’t know who you think you are,  
But before the night is through,  
I wanna do bad things with you. »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: The song is **“Bad things”** by _Jace Everett_ \- a tribute to _Alexander Skarsgård_ , my OC Kevin’s face model!


	6. Chapter 6

_08/15/2186 - Purgatory, Citadel_

“The Second Human Spectre huh?”

“So it seems.”

“What about the new salary?”

Kaidan chokes on his drink. “Oh, come on Joker!”

“All right, all right, just asking!”

The two men are sitting at one of the few tables in the quieter area of the club, near the dance floor, and Alenko is very glad that his friend remembered his issues with crowded and noisy places. After all the time apart, Jeff’s foresight really struck him.

“How was the party, anyway?” The pilot asks.

“Awfully boring.”

“Of course, I wasn’t there.”

“Yes.” Kaidan chuckles. “Anyway, did Udina really ban all of you from the celebration?”

He nods. “Only the higher officers were allowed to be there. Bullshit – he never liked Shepard and her crew. I bet he didn’t want her there as well. Yet, the other Councilors demanded her presence, so he had to put up with it.”

The biotic knows exactly what Joker’s talking about. He remembers so well all the time the Commander spent arguing with Udina, when he was still an Ambassador. And he had never forgiven her for choosing Anderson over him to be the first Human Councilor.

“Speaking of which.” His lips tense in a sarcastic grin. “How does it feel to be his pupil now? The paragon hero Alenko, opposing the renegade defector Shepard?”

“Yeah yeah. Very hilarious,” he mutters. As much as he is aware that Moureau is teasing him, Kaidan feels like there’s some truth in his friend’s words. And he hates it. He hates to be exposed as a hero, while the Commander has to take the blame. They were both soldiers, doing their jobs as they knew best. But _she_ was the one who was the hero. _She_ was out there, doing what it was needed, however it needed to be done. Even if that meant going against standard Alliance procedures.

The Major doesn’t have to tell Jeff this, though. The pilot has been one of the people who has supported the Commander all along. Probably the first in line.

“So, how have you been pal?” Joker questions him.

“I’m all right, thanks. I’ve to stay at the hospital just a few days, yet. Now I’m out because of the induction ceremony. Doctor Michel wants to run some last tests on me, before I’m allowed back on duty, and use my biotics.”

“And then, are you going to join us?”

“I’d like to. Although, Shepard–” He doesn’t need to finish his line. Alenko stares at the other man, whose focused expression suggests he knows exactly what he’s thinking.

He takes a deep breath. “I am very glad you asked me to come here, Joker. I wasn’t aware of the ban, so, when I noticed none of you were at the celebration, I felt– sad.”

“Come on.” Jeff pokes him. “Did you really think I would miss a party? Even if it was at Udina’s place?”

“After what occurred–” His voice gets hoarse for the embarrassment. “On Horizon, I felt like I betrayed all of you when I refused to follow Shepard.”

A moment of silence comes after his words. Moreau finishes his beer in a gulp, and then he begins to speak. “Listen, Kaidan. I never blamed you because you didn’t want to abandon the Alliance to get involved with Cerberus, and neither Garrus or Tali. We were all aware of how much being a good soldier meant for you, and we always respected you for that.”

“But you, and also Chakwas – you all were in the Alliance as well, and you didn’t hesitate to go with her anyway.”

“The doctor and I– We’re different. We were soldiers, yet, what we minded most was the old Normandy, because it was our home. After what happened to it, and to the Commander, it didn’t make sense for us to stay.”

Alenko takes a sip of his drink, shuddering as he remembers the attack and the destruction of their ship – the worst day of his entire life.

“I have my own faults.” Joker’s eyebrows furrow with sorrow. “And you know that more than anyone else.”

“God.” He’s clearly talking about the fact that Shepard died because she had to go back to look for him, who didn’t want to abandon the demolished cockpit. The Major’s memories about that period are quite confused. Nevertheless, the moment when he got completely mad, his biotics unleashed out of his control, in front of the last safe pod without her inside it, is very vivid in his mind. “I’m– I’m sorry for all the awful things I said to yo–”

“I know, Kaidan, I know. We’ve already discussed about this.” Moureau puffs. “Look, I always thought that fraternization rules were very important, and the people who’d break them were fucking idiots. I couldn’t understand why the hell someone would run the risk to spoil an entire crew just because he or she couldn’t keep their hands in place.”

“Ouch.” This is a cheap shot.

“But then,” he continues, “I saw you and Shepard. You were some of the most reliable and upright soldiers I ever worked with, and still, you both ended up like said idiots. However, whatever was growing between the two of you, instead of jeopardizing our mission, somehow it helped us accomplish it.”

_Oh._

Joker chuckles. “Do you remember our first day aboard the Normandy SR-1?”

“Of course I do.” Alenko could never ever forget it. He and the pilot had already served together during their previous assignment, under Anderson’s command, while they knew nothing but the reputation of their new XO.

“The first impression I had about Shepard was that she was as sexy as she was lethal, and from the way she interacted with the rest of the crew, I got she was sort of a spitfire.”

Kaidan can’t help but giggle at his last line. “That she was.”

“Then, during all those months, I could observe how she helped you to grow as a soldier and a biotic, as much as you helped her to loosen a little, and to be more patient and diplomatic. You were an amazingly powerful team, and after the Battle of the Citadel, you erased the last doubt I had about you as a couple.”

To think about that period is like re-open an old wound into the Major’s heart, that starts immediately to bleed again. _God, how much I miss everything._

“There were just me, Garrus, Tali and Liara who knew about your relationship, though we never talked about it. We had a sort of tacit agreement, we’d protect your secret with all our strength because we understood it was important for the two of you.”

“Thank you.” The biotic is very moved, and still, he doesn’t get why Jeff’s confessing this to him now.

“You don’t have to thank us. You were our friends, and nothing is more important than know that the people you care about are happy and content. But this is also the biggest problem at the moment.” He sighs. “I don’t ever see that cheerful smile on the Commander’s face anymore.”

A stab direct into his guts would hurt less than the pilot’s speech.

“I’m not saying it’s only your fault. She’s been through hell, dying, being brought back to life by the terrorists she used to fight, working with them when the rest of the galaxy abandoned her. Yet, what happened on Horizon definitely didn’t help her.”

Alenko leans forward with his elbows on the table and his face buried into his hands. “Fuck.”

“I know how broken you were because of Shepard’s death, and I get that the whole ‘Cerberus-resurrected-her’ fact sounded awkward. Nevertheless, she was in front of you, alive, and there was also Garrus at her side. Why didn’t you give her the benefit of the doubt?”

The new Spectre swallows hard the lump into his throat, his eyes hidden by his fingers are full of tears. His miserable state makes Moreau feeling guilty – he probably went too far.

“I’m sorry Kaidan, I didn’t want to upset you. This isn’t my business, and I usually never want to pry into such matters. But hey, I’m– I’m worried about my Commander.”

“What should I do, Joker?” His husky voice crackles against his palms.

“I can’t tell you that, my friend.” He gently past on his shoulder. “Just, please, don’t make her suffer anymore.”

The Major startles, raising his head to glance shocked at his interlocutor. “I don’t want to! I– I lov–” In that moment an unknown voice interrupts him.

“Hey _bufón_! Where did you leave your sexy bot?”

“James.” Jeff turns towards Lieutenant Vega who’s just arrived at their table. “I think she’s having a walk with Liara at the Presidium Commons. It wouldn’t be a great idea having her here tonight.” He nods towards an astonished Kaidan.

“Sexy bot? What–”

“Oh, Major Alenko. I didn’t notice you, I apologize.” James straighten up his posture and gives him the salute gesture. “Congratulation on your promotion, sir.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant.”

“Oh, where’s Shepard?” Moreau inquires the newcomer. “She should  be with you, _bodyguard_ , shouldn’t she?”

“She was. But she left abruptly the Councilor’s office without explanations. So I had a couple of cocktails with an hot Asari politician and then I came here.”

The pilot glimpses Alenko with a questioning look, and he shakes his head. _I have no idea about what happened to her, damn it._

All of sudden the loud techno music of the club finishes unexpectedly. The DJ’s voice announces that someone made a request for a different song, and soon a rhythmic human country oldie begins to play.

« I wanna do bad things with you. »

“Hey!” James points the crowd in the middle of the dance floor in front of them. “It’s the Commander!”

In a blink of an eye Kaidan is at his side, and his breathing immediately speeds up as he sees Shepard. She’s not wearing the blue Official Alliance suit anymore, just a pair of casual trousers and a red tank top under her N7 unzipped hoodie, and yet she’s amazingly beautiful at the flashing lights of Purgatory.

His mouth goes dry as he admires her sinuous body moving fluently, following the notes of the song. He remember so well how she always refused to dance at the Flux, saying that she wasn’t able to. Afterwards he discovered that it wasn’t the truth – or at least not completely. Indeed she isn’t that good with the techno, probably because she didn’t like it at all. But when it comes to other kind of music, she has a great sense of the rhythm. He’ll never forget the first time he managed to convince her to have a slow dance with him: with her in his arms, he felt like he was in paradise.

 _Should I join her?_ He asks himself, hopeful. Although, as soon as he makes a step towards her, his blood freezes into his veins: she’s dancing with a man.

“Who’s that guy with Lola?” Vega questions, surprised.

“I have no idea.” Joker answers, amazed.

Alenko knows exactly who the blond soldier is. He met Kevin Shaw three years ago, when the Normandy SR-1 docked at the Citadel after their missions against the Rachni in the Styx Theta cluster. He immediately disliked him, given that the N7 operative acted way too friendly towards his beloved Commander. Not to mention that he looked like some kind of old Viking god, handsome and tall – it doesn’t occur that much often that Kaidan has to stare at another man from below. Then his aversion increased even more when he discovered that him and Shepard had some kind of love affair, whilst, later on, she confessed she never loved Kevin, they were just friends who had some occasional sex.

_“You’re the only man I ever loved, Kaidan.”_

What about now? Did she forget about her feelings for him, forever? Did she come back with Shaw?

« I don’t know what you’ve done to me,  
But I know this much is true  
I wanna do bad things with you. »

 _God._ The jealousy is consuming him, his hands closing into fists while Kevin’s are sliding down her figure, in time with the naughty lyrics of the song. The Major would do anything for the chance to walk in there and to punch him into his face yelling that Shepard is his.

« I wanna do bad things with you  
I wanna do real bad things with you. »

The music finally finishes, and for a brief second, Shaw’s eyes meet Alenko’s, and he beams him a spiteful grin.

_What–_

The woman is starting to leave the dance floor, but he stops her, surrounding her waist with his arms and pulling her flush against his body.

“Hey what th–” The biotic doesn’t have the time to finish his curse that his heart stops: the Viking bends down and kisses her on her lips.

 


	7. Chapter 7

_What. The. Hell._

Shepard’s train of thought has been abruptly interrupted by Shaw’s mouth joining hers, causing her a surge of different emotions.

His action is completely unexpected, but not unpleasant, not at all. The light soft touch of his thin lips brings back the good memories of the time they spent together, the pungent fragrance of his aftershave tickling her nostrils – Kevin always used too much of that stuff. A vague sense of nostalgia invades her, from what it seemed to be another life. And it actually was.

However, there’s also something wrong, very wrong. Those lips should be more full and soft, kissing her sweetly and demanding at the same time, leaving her almost breathless. She’d just be able to inhale the deep addicting smell of eezo mixed with sandalwood and a hint of white musk, that always has her knees buckling – that is so his.

_Kaidan._

All at once the memory of her lost love stirs her up, in time with Shaw breaking their contact. He stares at her with a mischievous smile on his face, while the Commander stays still for an endless moment, finally realizing what happened. She’s been kissed in the middle of a fucking night club, in front of thousands of unknown people, by a man she haven’t seen in ages.

_What. The. Fuck!_

How could Shaw have done this to her?

How could she have fantasized about kissing Alenko whilst she had another guy’s lips on hers?

A terrific rage starts to burn inside her, Kevin’s satisfied expression worsening the situation. She wants to slap his face so badly, though that would be an hell of sissy move to do – she’s a badass soldier, not a girly girl.

_Fuck, who cares!_

Shepard’s right hand closes into fist and she hits his left cheek, hard. The man stumbles for the smack, while she gives him a scorching glance full of resentment. “What the hell were you thinking about, Shaw?” she growls to him and then she turns to the exit without waiting for his answer.

As soon as she begins to walk away from him, she manages to have a look to their audience and she blushes embarrassed noticing in the distance Vega whistling excited at her, Joker staring at her agape, and–

 _Oh shit. No, not_ him _._

Her knees almost collapse as she sees Kaidan standing at the pilot’s side, his brows painfully furrowed and his teeth grinding.

_God. Did he see it?_

Of course he did. All the people in this damned place did.

Is that– Is that _hurt_ what she sees into his beautiful whiskey brown eyes? Why?

_He doesn’t love me anymore, so why should a kiss bother him?_

Surprisingly, her feet seem to move of their own initiative towards him, the need to talk to him, to reassure him, almost unbearable. But in that moment Kevin approaches her. “Shep! Wait!” He grabs her arm. “Please don’t g–”

“Take off your hands from me Shaw. _Now_.” She orders without even glancing at him, her tone is as cold as ice, so that he obeys immediately.

“Sorry Shep. I–”

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up.” She glimpses Alenko once again from afar, and a chilly shiver runs down her spine when their eyes meet for a moment.

 _What am I doing? Shit, I should go away from here._ And so she does, running outside the Purgatory, followed by the blond man.

“Come on, Shep! Stop!” he yells, but she ignores him, rushing in the way to the elevator. When they reach it, she halts and finally faces Kevin.

“You.” She jabs at his chest menacingly. “You saw he was there, didn’t you?”

He sighs, resigned. “I did.”

“So why–” Her voice crackles. “Why did you kiss me in front of him?”

“Why shouldn’t I? You told me you were over him.”

The Commander jumps guilty at his affirmation.

_Crap._

“Yeah, like hell you’re over him, Shep,” he continues, sarcastic.

“Fuck you, Kevin.” She punches weakly his arm, her gesture is now just a way to give a vent to her frustration. “It doesn’t matter what I feel. He’s the one who put an end to our story. He’s the one who doesn’t love me anymore, so–”

“Wait wait wait,” he interrupts her. “He doesn’t love you anymore? Are you kidding me Shep?”

His strange reaction amazes the woman, who stares back at him with her eyes wide. “Wh– why?”

“Because this is bullshit!” he exclaims.

“Bullshit? What?”

Shaw shakes his head, sighing. “I can’t believe I’m doing this _again_.”

“Doing _what_?” she asks, maddened. Why is he trying to drive her crazy?

“Listen Shep.” He makes another step towards her, so that he’s now only a few inches away from her. “He _does_ love you, you can count on it.”

She opens her mouth but no words come out from it, her expression completely astonished.

He inhales deeply. “Look, I wanted to kiss you ever since the first moment we met this afternoon, though I have to admit that I decided to do it only when I glimpsed Alenko in the middle of the crowd. You told me he broke your heart, and it was obvious you were lying when you said you’re over him. So–”

“ _What?_ ” the Commander shouts. “Are you telling me you did it _for me_? Seriously?”

“Yes, I– Ouch. Ok ok, you got me in there.” He surrenders. “Come on, after all, you dumped me because of him. Maybe I also wanted to get back at him, just a little?”

“Oh, really?” she asks sarcastic, crossing her arms on her chest.

“I know, it was a silly and childish thing to do. Yet, I couldn’t help myself, I had to tease him. And it worked.”

“It worked?” Her voice trembles.

Kevin nods. “His gaze full of rage has been more eloquent than any word he could have said.”

The woman flinches surprised, raising her fingers towards her lips. “No. It can’t be. You’re wrong.”

“No I’m not. He was green with envy.”

“I– I don’t– No. That’s impossible.” She leans her back against the wall, her legs wobbling. Since she woke up in the Lazarus lab, a part of her kept hoping that she and Kaidan would have find a way to resolve their problems and they would get back together. Lately she understood that that would never happen, and it took all her strength to deal with the fact that she had lost the love of her life forever. Why is Shaw now reopening her wounds?

“Stop.” Her head is spinning around – it’s Horizon, and Mars, all over again into her mind.

_“I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real, I… I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?”_

_“For all I know, you could be a Cerberus puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself. I just want to know, is the person I followed to hell and back… the person that I loved… are you still in there… somewhere?”_

“Stop.” Her eyelids are heavy, her breath erratic. “He has made it… very clear… he doesn’t love me… anymore.” She presses the heels of her hands to her temple, trying to get a hold of herself.

“Shep?” The soldier bends down on her, worried by her panicked behavior. “Hey, calm down.”

“It’s– It’s over. He is over me. And– And I have to live my life… to take this all on myself,” she states. _I have got to let him go._

“Shep.” Kevin grabs her shoulders to force her looking straight into his green-grey eyes. “I have no idea about what happened between the two of you. However, he’s definitely not over you, as much as you’re not over him. Trust me on that.”

This handsome man could have a lot of flaws, though one thing is for sure: he always speaks the truth. Little by little, all the painful memories about Alenko are being replaced by the good ones, flowing in sequence into her mind.

_“I think about losing you and I can’t stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again. But you and I, we are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard you make me feel… human.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me…”_

Who is she trying to kid? The love that they had was too strong, she can’t just let him go. And thinking about the sweet way Kaidan acted towards her this afternoon during his ceremony, the charming smiles he gave her each time she went to visit him at the hospital, the sincere apologies he offered to her, and those suspicious lines he said…

_“I’m really glad you came by. Talking like this, reminds me how much I like you… We’re good together.”_

_“I really hope we’re going to be able to get past what happened on Horizon, Shepard. As friends… as more than friends. I mean, I don’t know… I just like having you in my life. Maybe you should just know that I’m not seeing anyone and… and that I still care.”_

Is that possible that Kevin is right? _Oh God._

“I– I don’t know… what to do…” the Commander breathes, her heartbeats finally coming back to normal.

“You can start thanking me, can’t you?” He winks at her, being awarded from her by a shy giggle.

“Thank you, Kevin.” She finally smiles.

“You’re welcome.” He grins back at her, satisfied.

Yeah, she definitely has to thank him. No matter how many upsetting things he does to her, in the end he always helps her. He’s a good friend.

“Well,” he adds, as he leaves his grip on her. “At least, all my efforts are worth something.”

“All your efforts? What do you mean?”

“Come on, Shep. You didn’t really think that we met in front of the Councilor’s office by chance, did you?” He pokes her.

“Mh?”

“I knew Alenko’s party was in there. I took a day of shore leave, and spent the afternoon monitoring the doors, waiting for you to come out.”

“Really?” She startles. “But why? And how? And– Wait. Shore leave? You ran away saying you were busy.”

“Yeah, because I didn’t want to give you the opportunity to reject my invitation.”

 _Damn it, he knows me well._ Shepard thinks. “But– but why?”

“Why? We had wonderful times together, and I really miss you.” A shade of sadness now smothers his shining gaze. “After your death, and your coming back to life, I tried to contact you with no success. This was the first occasion I had, and I did my best to exploit it.”

“I see. Well, I’m glad you did so.” She gently pats him.

“Yeah. Unfortunately, things went badly for me, once again,” he mutters.

“I’m sorry, Kevin. I didn’t want our evening to end like this.”

“I know, Shep. It’s not your fault,” he reassures her, “I just hope you and Alenko will sort things out.”

“But why– why are you so sure about Kaidan’s feelings?”

He gives her a sorrowful sneer. “Because I know what it means to lose you.”

His words strike right into her heart. “Oh.”

“You’re hard to step away from, Shep. Three years ago I did it because I wanted you to be happy with the man you love, and I still want that. Just– don’t make my ‘sacrifice’ useless, please.”

The red-head stands on her tiptoes and throws her arms around his neck. “Thank you, my friend.”

“Yeah, I’m your friend,” he repeats gloomy, holding her tight into his embrace.

“Now, I should go, Kevin.” She releases herself from his hug as the elevator arrives. “But I’ll think about what you said to me, I promise.”

“I bet you will, Commander.” He chuckles. “Now go and save the galaxy for us all. And, if you’ll have a little of free time to write to your old friend…” He seizes her omni-tool, typing something on it. “This is my contact information.”

“Thank you, Major Shaw. See you soon.” She waves to him.

“Good bye, Shep. You’ll find your _friend_ there, waiting for you, if you’ll ever want him,” he whispers melancholy while the doors shut closed.


	8. Chapter 8

_08/19/2186 – Citadel, Huerta Memorial_

“All right Major, you’re free to go.”

“Thank you, Doctor Michel.”

“Take care of yourself. You’re fully recovered, though you’ve been through a lot. In particular, don’t overdue with your biotics.”

“I’ll do it, I promise, Doctor.” Alenko reassures the woman who nods at him and then leaves his room.

He puffs as he fastens the last buckle of his shining blue armor – it feels like years since the last time he wore it. Now he can finally leave the hospital and return to his duty. But where?

With his new designation as Spectre, he received several offers for high positions in the Alliance, especially the one from Admiral Hackett. Yet, all those weeks he spent in convalescence, he has been more than sure he would have rejoined Shepard’s team aboard the Normandy.

No matter how many important assignment and titles they give him, nothing is more vital than the job that the Commander is doing to stop the Reapers’ invasion. The echoes of her extraordinary deeds resonate all over the extranet – this very morning Kaidan came to know that she even managed to succeed in something considered impossible: finding a cure for the genophage, gaining the support of the krogans for the war.

All that he wants is to be of any help for them, for _her_. Unfortunately, after the events during the day of his Spectre ceremony, he doesn’t know any more if it will ever happen. Perhaps he has been naïve thinking that she might have forgiven him, that she might want to give him a second chance. Instead she acted as cold as ice with him, and there is also the possibility that she made it up with her ex Shaw. Actually, she didn’t seem to appreciate the kiss Kevin gave her in the middle of the dancefloor, considering how hard she punched his face. Joker also checked with the AI of the Normandy and reassured him that Shepard went back alone to the ship after she left the Purgatory, though that doesn’t mean that his worries weren’t valid. After all, she and the blond soldier always have been good friends, the only reason why she dumped him was because of Alenko himself.

God, the image their kiss at the nightclub still haunts him, driving him insane with jealousy. Is it really over between the two of them? He doesn’t know if he’d be able to deal with it.

Still, the idea of returning aboard the Normandy keeps sounding the more reasonable thing to do. He knows he could be of help for their cause, even if staying at the Commander’s side, trying to ignore his love for her, would consume him.

What is he supposed to do now?

“Major Alenko?” An unknown raspy voice calls him back from his thoughts. “May I come in?” Kaidan turns to stare towards the door, finding a drell in front of it.

“Of course you can, Mr. Nuara.”

The alien shakes his head stepping inside the place. “My real name is Thane Krios. I’ve worked with Commander Shepard while she was fighting the Collectors.”

Alenko gulps at the unexpected revelation. He knew that Cerberus had also hired a drell assassin to help her. However he never expected it could be that strange and unusual patient of the hospital, who used to stop by his room from time to time.

“I am sorry I lied to you – it was for the best. No one but the Commander knows about me.”

“Have you talked to Shepard?” he asks, pointing to a chair for his guest.

He nods. “I heard doctors saying that they were going to release you. Therefore, from now on, I could keep my promise to her no more.”

“Your promise?”

His reptile eyes open wide and he starts to speak entranced. “She’s trembling slightly. Her eyebrows are painfully furrowed. Her cheeks are pale. ‘I’m visiting a friend. He got hurt protecting me.’ She says. Her voice crackles. This is odd.”

 _What the hell is that?_ Kaidan did hear about drells’ eidetic memory, though he’d never expect it to be so intense.

“She usually never shows any kind of emotion,” he carries on, “She’s like a Goddess of War. Her expression is always cool, distant. Now she’s worn out and upset. Concerned, perhaps. She notices my surprise. ‘We were close, once. And I still care about him.’ Her tone is full of sorrow. A sorrow of a woman who already lost someone important and who isn’t over it yet.”

_She– She still cares about me?_

“Shepard’s enemies could have tried to finish you off here.” Thane returns to a normal dialogue as he sits down. “I promised her I’d look out for you.”

For a brief moment the idea of her being concerned about him to the point she even confessed it to another person gives him a new hope. Then the remainder of her kiss with Shaw comes back into his mind. “Well, thank you, Mr. Krios, though there was no need. I can take care of myself, she’s aware of this.”

The assassin gazes at him gravely. “It doesn’t mean that the Commander should stop being worried about you. This is what happens when people we love are in danger.”

“Love?” Alenko’s heart jumps into his chest. “No, you’re wrong, she doesn’t–”

“I apologize, Major. This isn’t my business, but I owe her a lot,” he sighs. “My disease is killing me. I already surrendered to my fate, thinking I’d die alone. Then I met Shepard, and she helped me to find my lost son. Now, thanks to her, we are a family again.”

Yes, Kaidan recalls seeing another young drell coming at the Huerta regularly.

“One thing I noticed about the Commander during our fight against the Collectors,” Thane continues, “Is that other people’s well-being is always her priority. Sadly, when will she have the chance to care about her own happiness?”

Alenko would do anything to be able to make her happy, to see again the gorgeous smiles she gave him during the shore leave they spent together after the Battle of the Citadel.

Perhaps now Shaw will succeed in it.

Shit, only thinking about it feels like being punched in the guts.

Why is he so selfish? He should be grateful if the love of his life would find the joy she deserves, even if it won’t be at his side.

“Mr. Krios, I’m sure Shepard would appreciate your good intentions, though I’m afraid you are talking to the wrong man. She… We aren’t… We are just…” For God’s sake, what are they?

“I beg to differ Major. It’s quite obvious that you care about her a great deal.” The assassin corrects him. “And back at that time, the Commander always acted strictly professional with everyone, also with her dearest friends, Tali’Zorah and Garrus Vakarian. Now, despite the Reapers’ threat looming over us, she managed to use all the little free time she had to come here to visit you. This must indicate something.”

Kaidan doesn’t know what to say. Yet, one thing is sure: there is only confusion between the two of them.

Noticing no reaction from him, the drell goes on with his matter. “I suppose that the situation is complicated. But if it worth the effort, you two should definitely work harder to sort things out. This is what the Commander taught to me when I was looking for my son. Oddly, she doesn’t seem to follow her own teachings.”

This last statement leaves Alenko wordless.

Why didn’t he realize it before?

Is Shepard worth it?

Is his love for her worth it?

Is the passion they once shared worth it?

Of course they are worth it.

So why the hell was he going to give up on them like this, without even try to fight for them?

The biotic walks towards the huge window, his gaze wandering outside, focusing on the same view he admired during all those weeks he stayed there, musing about her. He lets out a deep, steady breath as he finally senses that his mind is clear, free from his doubts.

Shepard is his everything, and he will battle with all his strength until the end to have her back.

“Mr. Krios I have to thank you. You’re right. I can’t explain you how much I–” His speech is abruptly interrupted by the alarm system of the hospital that is now ringing all over the place.

“WARNING. TO ALL THE STAFF AND THE PATIENTS OF THE HUERTA MEMORIAL. THE CLINIC MUST BE EVACUATED. EMERGENCY SECURITY PROTOCOLS ARE EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. WARNING.”

“What is happening?” Kaidan shouts as he rushes outside the room. The hallway is already full of people running around in confusion, their panicked squalling drowned only by the rumbling voice coming out from the loudspeakers that keep repeating the same lines.

“Major, we have to do something,” Thane says, startling him; Kaidan hadn’t notice him moving.

 _This must be the famous stealthiness of the drell assassins,_ he thinks as he nods to him.

The two reach a group of nurses that is attempting to supervise the evacuation, and assist them in coordinating the frightened crowd. Kaidan can’t help but feel grateful that Doctor Michael had just dismissed him and he got the chance to put on his blue armor before this mess started.

Unfortunately, no one in there seems to know the reason why this evacuation was call, though it’s crystal clear that the situation is grim. There are noises of explosions resonating far in the distance and smoke clouds rising from the Presidium below the Huerta.

After a while, Alenko’s omni-tool flicks to life. It’s a message addressed to all the Spectres that are on the Citadel in this very moment.

“Crap!” he exclaims after he reads it.

Thane shoots him a questioning look, and the man gestures in response, pointing towards an empty room nearby.

“It’s Cerberus,” he explains as soon as they’re alone. “They’re attacking the station.” Then, he stares at the assassin, gritting his teeth nervously. “Are you–”

“My contract with them expired when we defeated the Collectors.” He says, as if he had read his mind. “I didn’t have any contact with them since the Commander defected with the whole crew.”

Kaidan puffs and scratches his nape, embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I had to–”

“I know,” he agrees, impassively.

The sentinel handles him a gun. “Take it; it might come in handy. I have to go. As a Spectre, I have to look for the Councilors and to protect them.”

“I could help you,” Thane replies.

“I know, but these people need you more than I do. I’ll be fine, don’t worry. You’re not going to break your promise.”

The drell stares at him doubtfully for a moment, then he surrenders. “Be careful, Major.”

“You too, Mr. Krios.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

_08/19/2186 – Citadel, Docking bay D24_

The empty hallway resounds with Shepard’s footsteps, as she walks slowly towards the Normandy.

Her mind is a mess. Too many things have happened over the past few hours: Cerberus’ attack at the Citadel, Udina’s betrayal, Thane’s death because of Kai Leng – that bastard.

And, of course, the armed standoff with Kaidan.

Fuck.

What a horrible day.

* * *

_“Hurry Shepard, the Council is on the elevator. They’re heading to the shuttles with Udina. Spectre Alenko is with them.” Bailey’s voice echoes into the comm-link._

Oh God. No, not Kaidan. What if– what if he won’t trust me again? No, no, no. _The Commander is overtaken by fear, while she rushes towards her destination, dodging bullets and slaying all the Cerberus troops on her way._

_“Hey, you can do this.” Garrus tries to reassure her when they jump on the elevator._

_“I_ – _I hope so, my friend.”_

_“Cerberus took out the shuttle. Everyone back to the elevator! Move!” Alenko’s voice breaks as he notices her. “Shepard, what’s going on?”_

_Udina approaches him. “Shepard’s blocking our escape! She’s with Cerberus!”_

_“Just, hang on. I got this. Everyone calm down.” The new Spectre is aiming his weapon at the Commander._

_“I can explain this, Kaidan.” She tries to keep her tone calm, despite the surge of emotions exploding into her chest._

Please, believe me. Please.

_His pistol doesn’t move. “Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a Councilor… kinda looks bad.”_

_She takes a deep breath and lowers her own weapon, giving to Garrus and James the order to do the same. “We don’t have time to negotiate. You’ve been fooled, all of you. Udina is behind this attack. The Salarian councilor confirmed it.”_

Oh God, please. Believe me.

_Alenko’s caramel colored eyes are staring right in her blue ones with a stern expression._

Kaidan, please.

_She points at the closed doors. “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind the doors. If you open that door, they’ll kill you all.”_

_He glances at her gravely. “I better not regret this.”_

_Shepard’s heart almost stops. “You won’t.”_

_The biotic turns his attention to the Councilor. “Udina, step away from the console.”_

He trusted me. Thank God, he trusted me!

_She feels her fingers trembling as she holsters her gun._

* * *

Her damned moment of weakness almost cost Councilor Trevor’s life, because Udina took the woman as hostage, threatening her life with his own gun. His finger was on the trigger, menacing the Asari – just a misstep, and she’d be dead. Thankfully, Alenko was very alert, taking down the man.

_Fuck, I should have been the one who shot him._

Still, she is grateful she didn’t have to. She was in a very dangerous position, because of her past with Cerberus and her disagreement with the politician. What if she’d actually take the shot and then Bailey wouldn’t be able to confirm her story? Would she be put on trial once again for treason?

Yet, the fact that Kaidan had pulled the trigger must have unsettled him. Shepard knows so well how important is for him to do the right thing.

 _I wish I could do something for him._ If she could only find him right now, damn it.

It is ironic, really. The times she wants to avoid running into him, like last evening at Purgatory and today during the coup, he is right there in front of her. And now that she wants, she _needs_ , to find him, he is nowhere to be found.

Perhaps this is for the best. Soon she’ll leave the Citadel again, and Kaidan will probably receive a new assignment, so that the chances to see him again will be very slim. She has to try and forget about him, once and for all.

 _“Listen Shep. He_ does _love you, you can count on it. I have no idea about what happened between the two of you. But Alenko is definitely not over you, as much as you’re not over him. Trust me on that.”_

Kevin Shaw’s words keep chasing her, repeating in her mind like a merry-go-round, confusing the hell out of her. She can barely believe Kaidan listened to her and turned against Udina so promptly, that thinking about him being still in love with her is too hard – not to mention too painful. Her and the Major are over. That is final.

She heaves a sigh and opens the door of the Bay D24, only to freeze to her spot in shock: there he his.

“Kaidan,” she breathes.

The man is standing next to the entrance of the ship, his back leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrows tense. At the sight of the Commander, he flinches slightly, proving that he was waiting for her.

“Hey, I wondered where you went.” Her pulse are quickening wildly. “What’s up?”

He inhales deeply, his posture stiffening. “I’m trying to wrap my head around what just happened.”

 _Here we go,_ she thinks, worried. “You sound angry.”

“Not angry,” he puffs, scowling. “Just not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you love.”

At his words Shepard’s heart skips a beat.

 _‘Love’_ he said. This time he used present, not past tense.

Did it really happen? Or is she imagining things?

“How it all went down, it’s got me…” Alenko shakes his head, confused. “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay.” She wants to reassure him. She owes to him at least this. “Talk to me. Let’s have it.”

He gazes right in her eyes, concern written all over his face. “If I hadn’t backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me out.”

“What? No! Never! I could– _No_!” She jumps, shocked. How could he think something like this? “Listen, I trusted you, and I knew you’d come around. That’s all that matters. Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel.”

“But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard.” He grimaces. “Later, when you have to live with yourself, knowing that you acted with integrity… then it matters.”

“You’re talking about Udina.” She was right after all – killing the Councilor did upset him.

Seeing that he doesn’t reply, the woman carries on. “You think he would have come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice. You had to take the shot.”

She approaches him, shyly raising a hand towards him. She wants to caress his cheek, to hug him tightly, to dig her fingers in his salt and pepper hair, to whisper in his ear encouraging words. Yet, she stops, scared by the idea of him dodging her touch. She can’t go through another rejection, it hurts way too much. “You acted with integrity. I saw the whole thing,” she finally affirms.

Alenko stays still, his brown eyes never leaving hers. After a while his expression softens, and the corner of his lips curve into a shy smile. “All right. Thanks.”

Relief and gratitude wash over the red-headed lady at the realization that her words have been able to comfort him. There is no more mistrust and suspicion between them. Perhaps this could mean that they can be friends again?

“Listen, Shepard,” he says scratching his nape, an habit of him that suggests he’s embarrassed, as she came to know a long time ago. “There’s another reason I’m here.”

“Oh?” Immediately, a new wave of anxiety makes her stomach twist, alarmed.

“Hackett offered me a position, but I’d turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again.”

 _Wh_ – _what?_ The air gets caught in the Commander’s throat.

Having Kaidan… aboard the Normandy? Fighting at her side? Meeting her every day?

A strangled groan comes out of her lips, the astonishment for his unexpected request is turning her upside down. Her knees almost buckle, and she can barely contain her shivers.

What should she do now?

She had fantasized about this moment thousands times; still, no matter how much she wanted him back, she she had come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be a good idea for either of them.

Working with Admiral Hackett would be a great opportunity for his career, he deserves it. She can’t think about other marine she admire and respect most.

Although, as Liara said on Mars, watching him in action, the Major has become a very capable soldier, and his biotics are stronger than ever. Having him in the battlefield would be a great improvement for her squad. And, as a Spectre, he is way more calm and diplomatic than her, when there’s the need to speak with politicians.

But, would she be able to endure having him at her side, without having him at all?

_“Alenko is definitely not over you, as much as you’re not over him.”_

Shepard swallows hard while their gazes are locked on each other.

No, all these reasonable explanations don’t come to her mind in that moment. Only Kevin’s words are there.

“Couldn’t imagine meeting the Reapers without you,” she answers to him without a second thought.

Kaidan’s face lights up with a relieved smile. “Thank you, Commander.” He holds out his hand to her, and she hisses out a breath through clenched teeth to restrain herself from losing control when they touch. She wasn’t prepared to this – actually she wasn’t prepared to any of all the things that happened last day. She is just shamefully grateful that she has another chance to stay with the love of her life, whatever this could mean for the two of them.

They are both soldiers and officers, they must be professional. _She_ must be professional, and she will be. Yes, she’ll make it work.

“And Shepard… I need you to know that I’ll never doubt you again. I’ve got your back.”

“Good to know. Welcome aboard, Major.”

“Aye, aye, ma’am.” He says, bending down to grab a bag resting at his feet on the floor, that the Commander hasn’t noticed before.

“Have you already prepared–” She doesn’t have the time to finish her question that a subtle shade of pink colors Kaidan’s beautiful olive skin.

“Yeah… Wait– No, I was leaving the hospital when Cerberus attacked, so…”

“I see. For a moment I thought you were so self-confident about me accepting your request that you already had your stuff packed.” She chuckles.

“Well, I hoped so.” The embarrassment is completely gone from Alenko’s face, replaced now by an intense and knowing look that bores through her, making her gulp.

 _Get a hold of yourself, Commander._ The voice of reason scolds her.

The Major turns his back, stepping towards the entrance of the ship, and Shepard follows him. Without knowing it, her gaze is attracted by the man’s rear that is wiggling in front of her. The same perfect butt that has been her obsession since their time aboard the Normandy SR-1.

_Damn it._

Shepard is definitely screwed.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kudos and rewievs. Keep it on, and let me know what you think about this story! =)

_08/23/2186 – Normandy SR-2, Captain’s cabin_

TIME: 0345

Shepard sighs.

She’s wide awake in her large, empty and cold bed, exactly like the previous two days, ever since _he_ rejoined the Normandy crew.

He.

Major Alenko.

_Kaidan._

Only thinking about his name makes her shiver.

And then there is his dark hair, now enhanced by some grey curls, which make him even more sexy, if it is possible. His whiskey colored eyes, so intense and beautiful, that make her knees tremble with a single gaze. His perfect full lips, with those little sexy scars. The dimple on his chin, which is visible also under his light stubble. His awesome body, with his sculpted pecs and abs. His perfect as–

“Stop this Commander! Get up and do something useful, for God’s sake!” she yells to herself.

She abandons her bed and goes to her desk to gather the datapad Liara gave her this afternoon, with some updates about their war assets. She tries to focus on the numbers on the display with no success, because her mind keeps wandering in the reminiscences of the curves of Alenko’s muscles.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Shepard?”

“Is there anyone in the mess on the Crew’s Deck?”

“No, almost all the crew on the deck is sleeping at the moment, Commander.”

“Thanks EDI.”

The woman nods grateful as she places the datapad back in its place. She’s a little hungry, though she doesn’t want to meet anyone. She’s too upset, she wants to be alone.

When she reaches the kitchen of the mess, she opens the fridge and she lets out a pleasured moan as she finds a slice of chocolate cake. She never has been into sweet food, but in certain moments, moments like this, she feels the need of some sweetness to ease her sadness.

Because the Commander Shepard, the First Human Spectre, the Survivor, the Savior of the Citadel – and what-ever-else-they-call-her – is sad. She is deeply, terribly sad.

She has been more than sure that the story between the Major and her was over, that he didn’t want her anymore. Then her friend Kevin roused her doubts once again, and also Alenko himself did it.

_“Just not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you love.”_

For the first time he didn’t use the past, and this unsettled her.

The truth is that she wants him by her side, no matter how much it would cost to her sanity.

So why all this sadness now? Why does her heart hurt so much? Why can she barely breathe?

Their relationship has always been very complicated.

From the first day they met aboard the old Normandy, they started with innocent flirts, brief gazes, shy smiles, brushing fingers, always trying to find excuses just to be close. When they surrendered to the unbearable passion that there was between them and they made love the night before Illos, it has been nothing less than perfect. They just couldn’t stay away from each other, despite of the fraternization rules of the Alliance – they were madly in love.

Since she’d lost her family on Mindoir, Shepard had never felt affection for anyone else, not even for Kevin Shaw. With Kaidan, she was at home for the first time. He is her soul mate, and always will be the only one for her.

The red-head takes a forkful of cake but she stares at it while the memory of her awakening in the Cerberus lab invades her mind.

* * *

_Noises, alarms, flashes of light, smell of burnt and pain, a lot of pain all over her body._

_A female voice calls her name, tells her to fight and to run away._

_From what and from where is she escaping? She doesn’t remember anything, she barely remembers her name and how to use a gun. Yet, she fights, she runs and then she breaks out from that hell._

_Now she is in a little shuttle with the person who supervised her escape through the speakers of the base, and another unknown guy._

_She can’t understand what they’re saying to her._

_It’s impossible._

_There must be a mistake._

_She couldn’t have died during an attack to the Normandy: she is alive!_

_This woman, Miranda, is telling her that Cerberus had found her body and they started a project named Lazarus to bring her back to life._

_What,_ Cerberus _?_

_What bullshit is she saying?_

_Lazarus? Is she the new Jesus?_

_“Commander, I understand that it is hard to believe.” – Oh no, shiny terrorist top model, you can’t understand, not even a little. – “But it is normal, you’ve been unconscious for about two years.”_

_Wait. Wait. W_ – _what? Two_ – _two years? She has lost two years of her life?_

_“Oh.”_

Help. I… I can’t… breathe… _She tries to speak, though no words come out from her mouth._

_“Shepard, inhale.” Miranda begins to undo the clasps of her armor to help her._

_“The Normandy… Ah– my… crew…?” Her voice is almost completely gone._

_“They all made it. Almost.”_

Almost. Oh.

_Her head is becoming heavy. “Who… ah…”_

_“Navigator Pressly and someone of the support group,” the young lady explains._

_“And… the aliens… ah…”_

_“Shepard, inhale. They were all safe, also the pilot.”_

Joker.

 _She’s starting to remember. He didn’t want to leave the ship, ‘_ his _ship’. She had to go and drag him away from the destroyed cockpit. When they were back to the pods, there has been another shot and then she was fluctuating in the open space._

_“Shepard, please. Calm down and breathe. Inhale.”_

_Her body is trembling helplessly._

Kaidan… I’ve left you alone for 2 years… No no no no no no no…

* * *

Shepard forces her tears back and puts the fork in her mouth, though the chocolate tastes definitely bitter. She gulps down the mouthful and returns the rest of the cake in the fridge.

_I was wrong. I don’t need chocolate. Alcohol is the answer._

As soon as she enters into the Port Observation, which was Kasumi’s room during their mission with Cerberus, she goes straight to the right side of the place, without looking at her left, where there’s now a huge poker table. She’s already down, there’s no need to remember how much she misses her old-new friends like the stealthy Japanese girl and the spitfire Jack – not to mention her beloved Miranda. Well, at least they’re alive, not like Mordin and Thane.

_Fuck._

The Commander finds herself struggling to not cry once again, while she grabs a random bottle from the shelf. She drinks her first glass, relishing in the liquid flames that go down her throat and banish all her tears. A sensation that is only psychological, given how her biotic metabolism burns out quickly every kind of alcoholics.

She recalls the first time she came in here to drown herself in this purple liquor: the night after Horizon.

* * *

_Luckily Kasumi isn’t there, so that Shepard is free to drink, to cry, to curse against him, against Alenko, who has broken her heart into pieces._

_Between her hopeless sobs, an old song comes back in her mind, and she starts to sing it out loud._

_« I cannot fight against myself no more_  
Self-destruction that I predicted  
Not a long time ago

_Petrified  
Thoughts so far from me_

_The power of my justice blows me away_  
It’s just the case to repeat  
What I’ve never said to you before

_Celebrate  
I’m alive again »_

Yeah, I’m alive again Kaidan, let’s celebrate! Cheers!

 _« See the structure of my pride_  
Wasn’t easy to build it away from this  
I never walked away from you  
I never walked alone »

 _You_ walked away from me, and you didn’t even have a look back at me.

_« A pleasure makes me vibe again tonight  
I’m just thinking how fine it is to feel myself so fine again_

_Celebrate  
I’m alive again »_

When you held me in your arms, for a moment I thought we could make it through everything.

 _« It’s time to turn the page and start and then_  
Don’t you think that it’s time  
To convince yourself it’s over?

_Celebrate  
I’m alive again… »_

Turn the page and start… Of course, start another impossible task to save the fuckin’ galaxy. But this time I’ll be alone, Kaidan. You will not be here to reassure me with your warm embrace, to be my strength during my moments of doubts, to tell me that everything is going to be all right.

Yes, it’s really over.

* * *

The woman, lost in her reveries, begins to sing the same song.

« Celebrate  
I’m alive again… »

She is still alive, despite the suicide mission in the Collector base, despite what happened at the Bahak system, despite the Reapers’ attack in Vancouver, despite Mars.

 _Jesus, Mars._ Another sip of the scorching liquid. _He almost died in front of me._

When she saw Alenko’s face covered in blood, his eyes closed, his body motionless–

 _Stop it, Shepard._ She refills her glass. _Now he’s fine and he’s here, back on duty aboard the Normandy._

And there she goes again to the problem which doesn’t let her sleep.

Her feelings about the Major are so confused. She loves him – damn it, every inch of herself unconditionally loves him. Nevertheless, she’s also afraid of him, he has doubted her too many times.

During the Cerberus attack at the Citadel he believed her and he turned against the corrupted Udina, yet the dread she’d felt in having an armed standoff with him… she’ll never forget it.

_“I need you to know that I’ll never doubt you again. I’ve got your back.”_

Alenko promised it to her before he joined the Normandy. Can she really trust his promise?

When she had tried to talk to him, during his first day back on her ship, she had found him overwhelmed by his own concerns about his family and his students, so that she didn’t have the heart to confront him once and for all. Instead she got lost in his melancholic but gorgeous, as always, eyes.

That night she couldn’t sleep, thinking about him, reminding all the good times they spent together years ago. She remembers his warmth, his scent, his touch, the feel of his olive skin against hers, the taste of his lips…

When the morning came, she was exhausted, restless and upset. She needed to go in a fight, to let off some steam, though, unfortunately, at the moment they’re only on a survey journey.

Their mission on Tuchanka was a success, if not for Mordin’s death. Now they are waiting for an answer from the Quarian Migrant Fleet about their status, and in the meantime they’re just exploring the Pax System, looking for any kind of useful resource for the war.

The only thing she could do was go to the Shuttle Bay to spar with Vega.

What a terrible idea.

* * *

_“Hey Lola, what’s up?” James asks to the winning Commander, “Are you ok? You look hella pissed.”_

_“Mmmh. Stop trying to make excuses, Lieutenant. You just lost, end of the story.” She teases him._

_“Come on, Lola. I let you win.”_

_“Oh yes, sure Mr. Vega. You’re a real gentleman.”_

_“Of course I am. I let you win because you’re obviously frustrated.”_

_Shepard raises an eyebrow in surprise. “Frustrated?”_

_“Yes Commander. Do you miss some male company? Just ask.” James winks at her._

_“Thanks for the offer but I’m a demanding woman, I don’t think you’ll be able to satisfy me, big boy,” she replies, laughing._

_When she turns towards the elevator, she freezes on her spot: there he is, the Major standing in front of them, his awesome brown eyes gazing at her serious._

_“Perhaps do you have someone else specific in your mind, Lola?” The grin on Vega’s face becomes evil._

_Shepard feels her cheeks on fire as she tries to ignore Alenko. “Well then, Lieutenant. So, you are willing to clean the men’s restroom on the Crew’s Deck for the rest of the week. Excellent.”_

_“What? Lola–” James calls her but she rushes inside the elevator._

* * *

From that moment on she did her best to avoid running into Kaidan, but it didn’t work for her sleep.

The sadness and the pain of being without him always was a weight on her heart. Yet, since there was a mission to accomplish, someone else’s problem to solve, she worked at 100% without allowing her mind to wonder about him.

But now he is here, he is real.

_I need him so badly._

The burning fire in her throat is useless. She gets up from the bar stool but her knees buckle and she falls on the floor.

Her cry starts slowly but soon turns desperate. She grips her red hair, her face flipped down and her breath interrupted by her agonizing sobs.

She doesn’t know how long she stays there, when suddenly two warm calloused hands come to cover hers and to make her raise her head.

In that very moment, her sky-blue eyes full of tears meets the two most beautiful amber ones she’d ever seen in her whole life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * The song is “ _Purify_ ” by **Lacuna Coil**


	11. Chapter 11

_08/22/2186 – Normandy SR-2, Starboard Observation_

_“Welcome aboard, Major.”_

_“Aye, aye, ma’am.”_

Finally he made it: Kaidan Alenko is back on duty on the Normandy.

This is not the same ship he used to know almost three years ago – it is twice as big, with many technological improvements and much more comfortable. Yet, he’s looking for places which can remind him of the good times on the old SR-1 to help him feel more at ease.

It is Kaidan’s third day aboard, but the awkward sensation is still there. He managed to find a quiet room where he can work on his Spectre reports, the Starboard Observation. Nevertheless, he can’t concentrate, and deep inside his heart he knows that the problem is not the new Normandy or its new crew.

“Major Alenko,” the AI’s voice calls him.

“Yes, EDI?”

“Lieutenant Vega is looking for you; may I tell him where to find you?”

“What does he want from me?” he asks, a little worried.

“He and Jeff are arranging a poker session.”

He lets out a relieved laugh. “Tell them I’ll join them as soon as I finish my paperwork.”

“Roger, Major.”

Lieutenant James Vega. Since the day of his Spectre ceremony, Alenko can’t get rid of the bad impression he had about the muscular soldier. And what occurred two days ago only made the situation worse.

* * *

_Kaidan is on the Engineering Deck, finally free after an awfully boring interview with Allers, who wanted to know more about the Second Human Spectre. He’s quite annoyed, given that the dark haired journalist seemed to be more interested in his personal life than in his career. He noticed she winked at him with a flirtatious smile, and she stared at his back when he left her room, though he acted like nothing happened. He just wanted to run away from her._

_Obviously she wasn’t the first person who showed interest towards him. He is aware he’s an attractive man, yet, he never minded about that very much; since he enlisted in the Alliance, he always has been completely focused on his duty. He had occasional sexual partners, nothing serious. Then, he met Shepard and his world turned upside down. He tried to not fall for her, but the sentiment growing between the two of them was too strong to resist. She is the only woman he ever wanted in his life, even when he thought she was dead. And he still wants her so badly it hurts._

_Alenko’s waiting for the elevator when something captures his attention. He turns towards the window to have a peek down into the Shuttle bay, to find Vega and the Commander having a friendly fight._

_She is wearing a simple N7 sweat suit close fitting to her curvy body, while her hair is tied in a long ponytail that waves following her graceful movements. She seems to be very focused, almost angry in each punch she gives to James – the big muscular marine is definitely succumbing to her fury._

Oh God, she is so beautiful. _Kaidan is breathless._

_The elevator announces its presence with a beep, and, without realizing what he’s doing, he steps into it and presses the button to the lower deck, caught in his need of her._

_When he arrives, they have already finished the fight. The Lieutenant is sitting on the floor and Shepard is stretching her arms above her head._

_“Commander, do you miss some… male company? Just ask!” James tells her and the Major’s heart almost stops._

_“Thanks for the offer, but I’m a demanding woman, I don’t think you’ll be able to satisfy me, big boy.” she replies, turns and sees Alenko. He meets her eyes and watches as hers widen in surprise._

_“Perhaps do you have someone else specific in your mind, Lola?” A teasing smile appears on Vega’s face._

_Shepard’s cheeks redden and she moves her gaze to focus somewhere else, coaxing a bothered groan from Kaidan._

_“Well then, Lieutenant. So, you are willing to clean the men’s restroom on the Crew’s Deck for the rest of the week. Excellent.” she says as she enters the elevator, ignoring James’ reply and without another look at other man._

_Vega gets up from the floor and comes near the Major. “Hey. Did you enjoy the show? She is very hot, isn’t she?”_

_“Do you think it is appropriate to talk like that about your commanding officer?” he asks, pissed._

_“Where’s the problem? I always tell Lola that she’s a crazy sexy woman, it’s the truth.” The biotic can’t deny he is right, yet listening to the younger man calling Shepard ‘Lola’ makes the rage burn bright inside his chest._

_“Or maybe you are jealous, Major?” That damned grin is still on his face._

_“Mind your own business, Lieutenant.” Alenko growls at him and James bursts into laughter._

* * *

“Come on, Kaidan. We’re all waiting for you in the Port Observation.” Jeff’s voice through the comm-link wakes him up from his memories.

“Ok, ok. I’m coming. Are you so eager to lose all your money, Joker?”

“I am eager to have all _your_ credits in my pocket, Mr. Spectre.”

Kaidan chuckles and exits the room. Stepping through the mess his eyes linger on EDI, who’s sitting at a table, chatting with Doctor Chakwas, and he feels his biotic implants buzz: he is definitely not at ease with her new body.

* * *

_Shepard has just officially accepted his request to be part of the crew of the Normandy again, and now they’re entering in the cockpit to speak with Joker._

_“Ooooh there you are finally, Kaidan– err– Major Alenko. How about time. Haven’t you learned that aiming a gun against your ex-CO isn’t a good thing?” Jeff says with his usual sardonic grin._

_“Shut up, this isn’t a joke. That situation wasn’t fun at all!” Shepard shouts at him._

_“Joker, if I’m back on the Normandy it’s only because I couldn’t live without your terrific sense of humor.” Kaidan tries to lighten the tension and change the topic of discussion, though he’s well aware he will pay for his past mistrust._

_“Aye aye, Major.” The pilot smiles at him. “I’m happy to have you back here. Like old times, right?”_

_“I hope so.” Alenko glances toward Shepard with a gaze full of desire, while her expression is imperturbable, while she’s busy typing on a panel next to her._

_Moreau notices his look but the words die on his lips when a faint beep announces that the door is opening._

_The Major freezes in place, his body caught by terror and his implant crackling violently: in front of him is the mech that almost killed him on Mars._

_The blue aura of his powers burns brightly, ready to attack it, yet the fear keeps his body petrified. A dark despair is growing inside him as he finds himself unable to react, then suddenly two warm hands move to cover his cheeks, forcing his head to focus in another direction. Shepard is staring at him with her intense sky-blue eyes, locking them onto his._

_“Kaidan, calm down. She isn’t Doctor Eva anymore. EDI took command of this body days ago. We ran all the tests needed, she has full control of it. It’s all right, you don’t have to be afraid. She is not going to hurt you. Nothing is going to hurt you anymore, I promise.” Her tone is soft and sweet, her face is a few inches from his, Alenko can feel her breath on his chin. He’s totally hypnotized by her, his muscles relaxing and his biotics fading away. The only purpose in his mind now is to draw her body flush against his own and kiss her, though the Commander is already walking away from him, and his attempt to stop her fails miserably._

_“I didn’t mean to scare you, Major.” EDI apologizes, pulling his attention to the mech’s body once again._

_“It’s– it’s ok. Thanks EDI.” He forces a little smile, despite the unpleasant chill running down his spine._

_“Don’t worry, my friend. I’ll take care of you now.” Joker gently pats on his shoulder. “Follow me; we’re going to have a tour of the new Normandy, my baby.”_

* * *

While Kaidan is opening the door of the Port Observation, a thought makes his stomach tremble: perhaps Shepard will be at the poker table, too. But, unfortunately, there are only Jeff, James and Garrus.

With a sigh he sits near the pilot, ready to play.

“There you are Major Alenko.” James greets him with a smile.

And there _he_ is.

* * *

“What a pity the Commander didn’t join us for a game,” Moreau says while shuffling the deck. “She’s too busy with work.”

“Actually, Shepard is in her quarters, watching an old human vid I found for her this morning.” EDI corrects him.

Joker raises his eyebrows, amazed, and Vega laughs again. “Yeah, sure. She has ‘to work’. Oh come on, she doesn’t really believe we didn’t notice that she’s shying away from everyone, does she?”

“Stop it James. If she wants to be alone, she has her reasons.” Garrus scolds him.

The Major gets upset by their words. He did notice that the Commander had begun to avoid him since the episode in the Shuttle Bay, though he hoped he was wrong.

 _So she_ is _hiding from me, after all._

“Come on, Scars. You may have better ideas than mine about what’s on her mind these days. Am I the only one who is worried about her? Damn it! I spent six months hearing her singing sad love songs, watching old tear-jerker vids, sighing every time she glanced at a mysterious picture frame turned face-down on her desk. I almost asked Admiral Anderson if there was a mistake; I couldn’t believe she was the badass Commander Shepard, the Savior of the Citadel, the first Human Spectre, a N7 operative. She was like a ghost. So please, don’t try to fucking hush me, I’ve a right to be concerned about her.” The Lieutenant’s speech is like a knife plunged into Kaidan’s heart.

“Do you think I am not concerned as well?” Vakarian replies, “She is my best friend. She’s the person I’ve trusted most in my entire life. Nevertheless, I _know_ her, I _know_ that she wants her privacy, and she’s aware that I will always be there for her if she needs me. I _know_ what’s on her mind, of course I do. Yet, there’s nothing that me or you or Joker can do about it.” With that, he turns towards Alenko with a scorching look in his eyes.

“Well, I guess we’re done with our poker tonight. We better go rest now.” Jeff gets up from his seat and asks Vega to follow him, leaving Garrus and the biotic alone in the room.

“Listen Kaidan. I don’t understand what _you_ are thinking. I only know what happened on Horizon, how everything you said to Shepard made her heart break. I also know you were completely shattered when she died, though, and I can only imagine how much you’ve suffered for her loss. That’s why I can’t blame you for your behavior. Still, I will always stay at the Commander’s side. And now that you’re in her life again, she’s confused and afraid of you.”

“Afraid of _me_?” Kaidan is astonished.

“Of course she is. You mistrusted her so many times; she doesn’t have a clue about how to interact with you anymore.”

“I’ve made my mistakes. I am aware of that. I tried to apologize to her – to talk to her several times, but she never replied. I thought she didn’t want me anymore. When she accepted me back as a part of the Normandy’s crew, I was hoping that it would give us a chance to resolve our problems. And I was glad about that. Then, all she’s done since is avoid me. What am I supposed to do?”

“Only you can find the answer. The only thing that I can tell you is that if you two don’t find a way out of this mess, if you’ll make her suffer again… You’ll deal with me, Alenko.” Vakarian’s glacial tone leaves no doubt about his intentions.

* * *

The Port Observation is silent, there is only Kaidan seated at the empty poker table. His head is heavy, his heart aches and his limbs are weak.

_“I spent six months hearing her singing sad love songs, watching old tear-jerker vids, sighing every time she glanced at a mysterious picture frame turned face-down on her desk.”_

_“Now that you’re in her life again, she’s confused and afraid of you.”_

His mind wanders through all the things he and Shepard said to one another, through all his feelings for her, through all his worries and his hopes.

Time passes and he just sits there, without moving. Suddenly the door of the room opens and the woman of his dreams steps inside. Without a single glimpse at the poker table, she goes straight to the bar and grabs a bottle of liquor.

Alenko catches his breath, not knowing what to do. He can’t see her face – she’s sitting on a bar stool, her back to him . She’s dressed in a pair of purple sweatpants and a black shirt, her long cherry red hair tied in loose pony tail that almost reaches her loins.

He stays still, staring at her in adoration, remembering how much he loved playing with her crimson locks, which are now so much longer than he remembered.

_What should I do now? Call her name? She could run away again, I don’t want that._

In the meantime, Shepard starts fiddling with her omni-tool. “There it is,” she murmurs and starts to sing softly.

« Celebrate  
I’m alive again… »

Kaidan is petrified, enraptured by the woman in front of him. During the shore leave they spent together, after the Battle of the Citadel, she used to sing lovely melodies to him from her youth on Mindoir. Ever since her death, there has not been a single day where he didn’t miss her sweet voice lulling him.

The song finishes and the redhead turns her attention to the liquor, taking a second bottle given that she’s emptied the first one. Then, abruptly, she slams the glass on the table and gets up from the bar stool, but her knees buckle and she falls on the floor. Low whimpers begin to come from her: she’s crying, slowly at first, and soon she becomes desperate. She grips her long hair with her hands, her head turned down and her breath interrupted by agonizing sobs.

Alenko can’t stand it anymore. A rush of anxiety and concern invades him, so he abandons his chair and dashes to her, taking her hands in his, making her raise her head. When her sky-blue eyes meet his, they’re full of tears and open wide in shock.

“Shepard…”

 


	12. Chapter 12

The tears are falling over Shepard’s face like a waterfall, while her hands are covered by Kaidan’s and her gaze is locked in his.

“Wh… at…?” she tries to speak but her chest is shaken by her sobs.

“Hey.” The man’s voice is husky and quiet. “Try to inhale.”

Her mouth is dry, her eyes burn and her crying doesn’t want to stop.

“Shepard, inhale. Please.”

She bites her bottom lip and tries to take a deep breath. Her throat hurts badly, though she continues.

Inhale, exhale. One, two, three.

“Very good, Shepard. Don’t stop.”

Six, seven, eight.

Alenko moves his thumbs to dry her cheeks, sighing softly.

Ten, eleven, twelve.

Slowly the Commander begins to regain control over her body and her mind.

* * *

Kaidan is hypnotized her blue eyes, the despair in them making him want to embrace her, to whisper in her ears to calm her down.

Thankfully, it seems like she’s starting to relax, as he keeps looking at her. He’s feeling a little guilty because he’s enjoying being so close to her, feeling her skin under his hands and smelling her sweet scent.

Then, abruptly, she breaks their contact and moves away from him, yelling, “EDI!”

“Yes, Shepard?”

“Why did you lie to me?” She gets up and turns her back to Alenko.

“I did not lie to you, Commander. You asked me if there was someone in the mess and I answered correctly.”

“You told me that all the crew was sleeping.” Her voice is shaking for her long weeping.

“I said _almost_ all the crew was sleeping. And you didn’t ask me about the Port Observation.”

“Shit,” she curses, “Ok Edi. I’m sorry, it’s my fault.”

“No problem, Shepard.”

The Major is still sitting on the floor, astonished because of her reaction. He can’t believe it – is she really so angry at him?

_“Now that you’re in her life again, she’s confused and afraid of you.”_

_“Only you can find the answer.”_

Garrus’ words come back to him. He was right; it’s definitely time to clear up the situation, once and for all.

* * *

 _How could I have been so naive not to look over the room before drinking? Oh my God. Was he here from the beginning? Fuck._ The Commander thinks dismayed.

All her efforts to avoid running into him went wasted as he saw her crying like a child. _What the hell! This must be a nightmare. I want to wake up._ She pinches her own hand but nothing happens.

 _Shit._ She has to do something to escape from this situation. She swallows hard, trying to gather all her remaining strength, and starts to speak.

“I– I am sorry. You weren’t… supposed to… see me… like that. It’s my fault. I was… focused on… my thoughts… and I didn’t… notice you… here. Sorry Kai– Major.” She doesn’t even spare a glance at him, embarrassed.

“Please… forgive my… carelessness… and… forget about… everything… please.” She walks toward the door, sensing her limbs and her head heavy.

“Don’t try to run away from me now, Shepard!” Kaidan shouts unexpectedly, making her freeze on the spot. The red-head doesn’t have time to react – not even to _ponder_ about reacting: he jumps in front of her, preventing her from exiting the room.

“EDI, lock the door. The Commander and I are busy right now. No one is allowed to disturb us, not until I tell you. Unless there is an emergency, of course. Is that clear?” His authoritative tone and the stern and bothered look on his face worries Shepard.

“It is, Major,” the AI answers.

The woman opens her mouth to rebel against his orders, but he cuts her off. “There’s no way I’m going to let you out of here, Shepard. Not before you explain to me what’s happening to you.”

After a moment of silence, she moves past the shock and begins to get angry. Her biotics sparkle from her hands closed in fists, and her muscles tense: she is ready to attack him.

“Are you sure you want to have a fight with me on your ship, Commander? Do you think I won’t react?” His eyes turn to azure while his own powers show up, enveloping him.

They stay motionless, glaring at each other menacingly and silently. Shepard is exhausted because of the loss of sleep and her crying, while Alenko seems to be absolutely firm and determined, standing in front of her. This is a battle she can’t win.

* * *

_No way, Shepard. If you want to fight, I will fight. I will fight till the end to regain your trust. I can’t get over the fact that I didn’t realize you’re terrified by me. How could I have been so blind? Oh God, I am a terrible man. I have to fix that, no matter what I’ve to do to succeed in it._

“What do you want from me, Alenko?” She asks exasperated, her biotic aura fading away.

“I want to understand what’s on your mind, and finally resolve the mess between the two of us.” He replies without lowering his defenses.

She turns her attention to the view outside the huge window. “I’ve nothing to say to you, Major. We already talked at the hospital and also in front of the Normandy. We have resolved it.”

“That’s bullshit!” he yells, “I tried many times to tell you what I feel, yet you never gave me a straight answer. All I had from you was ‘we’re good’. No, we aren’t good at all! I know you, I know–”

“YOU KNOW ME?” The Commander’s shout resonates in his ears like a gunshot, interrupting his speech. “Are you fucking kidding me? _You_ don’t know me! Garrus knows me. Tali knows me. Joker knows me. But you… YOU DON’T!”

Kaidan, upset, releases his own powers, and follows her movements with his eyes as she begins to pace around the room in a race, away from him.

“I _thought_ you knew me. I’ve opened myself to you like I’ve never done with anyone else in my entire life. You were the person I trusted more than ever, and I was completely wrong!”

_Here we are, finally. Don’t stop, Shepard. Hit me with that. I’m ready. I will never give up on you again._

“When we met on Horizon, you were awful! I was dead, for God’s sake! And all you could do was to make me feel guilt for my own death!” She stops and stares back at him, her gaze burning with anger.

“You’re right, Shepard. I was awful. Nevertheless, I reacted like that just because seeing you in front of me in the flesh, was– was unbelievable! So, I ended up thinking that you had not died at all, that Cerberus somehow managed to convince you to feign your death to work for them. God–” His voice breaks painfully. “I spent the two worst years of my existence certain that you, the love of my life, were dead. That I couldn’t ever embrace you again, kiss you again, see your smile again. And then you were standing there, alive, with Cerberus. Even when you told me that you really were dead, and that they rebuilt you– how– how could I believe your words without meditating about it? I was– I– I suffered too much.”

Somehow Alenko’s speech manages to strike the woman’s heart, because her expression turns sad. “A few days after our meeting, Garrus and Joker talked to me about my death,” she explains, “It was so awkward listening to the story of my own funeral. They told me how– how you looked like a ghost yourself, and what happened to your biotics when you realized that Jeff was alone in the last pod, without me.”

“Honestly, I don’t know how I survived all the pain I suffered from losing you. I spent several weeks of shore leave at my parents’ house without saying a word to them, to anyone. All I wanted was to be dead as well. Every night I had nightmares about you. Then, one night, when I woke up screaming, I suddenly realized that I was wasting time. The Reapers threat was still a reality, and if I didn’t do anything about it, your death would have been wasted. That’s why I returned on duty, and I began to work harder, with that goal in my mind. Otherwise, I don’t know what I would have done.” He swallows hard the lump forming in his throat.

“I– Well, thanks.” She stammers.

“You don’t have to thank me. I don’t deserve it from you. As you said, I was awful on Horizon, even if I explained you why. And–” He puffs. “Crap. Actually, that wasn’t the only reason why I acted like that.” Kaidan’s stomach twitches at the idea of confessing all his weakness to her, but he has to go on.

“What else?”

“I went a little crazy when I noticed Garrus with you. You contacted him and not me.”

“No! That isn’t true!” Shepard splutters. “I met him by chance; the Illusive Man gave me some dossiers of the people I should recruit for my new squad. One of them was a killer of mercs named Archangel, who was operating on Omega. Only when I went there I found out that it was him. You– You were the first person I thought about when I woke up from my coma, and you were always the first person I asked about, both to Anderson and to the Illusive Man. However they didn’t tell me anything about you. ‘Classified Alliance data’.”

The Major nods. “I know that now. When I returned to the Citadel, I went straight to Anderson’s office. Talking with him made the whole concept of you being rebuilt by Cerberus less… absurd. He also told me that you asked about me, though he couldn’t answer you. That day I wrote you an email, and I never received any reply from you.”

“Oh no, I replied a lot of times. Thousands of times.” She laughs sarcastically. “I just never sent them.”

“Wh– what? Why?” Alenko questions her, surprised.

Her cheeks blush. “I was confused. I was so angry and hurt by your words on Horizon. Yet, at the same time, Garrus and Joker’s words made me somehow sympathetic towards you. All my messages were totally a mess and I didn’t have the heart to send them to you. And–”

“And what?”

“Well. You wrote that you were dating a doctor. So I deemed… I was too late.” Her voice is barely a whisper.

“Oh no, Shepard. I didn’t mean it. I met that woman only once because some of my colleagues forced me. I told it to you because I didn’t want to hide anything from you.”

“I understand. Still… It’s been two years for you, while, for me… When I read your mail it was like only a few days had passed since the moments when you and I… we were trying to find a quiet place in the old Normandy to stay together, to embrace, to kiss each other, to–” her voice trails off, and she bites back a gasp. “Thinking about you and another woman… No, I can’t even tell how I felt.” She turns her head and resumes to stroll around the room.

 _Oh my God._ Alenko can’t believe he hadn’t ponder about that. She is right; for him it was two painful and endless years spent without her, but for her… She was in coma all the fucking time.

“I am so sorry Shepard. I didn’t realize that. Damn it. I _am_ really awful.”

She keeps pacing back and forth, saying nothing else for a while, and he just stays there, waiting for– for what? He doesn’t even know.


	13. Chapter 13

Shepard is bewildered.

After months of grief, she and Kaidan are finally talking about their relationship, though now she has no clue about what to say.

She was so hurt and angry with him after Horizon that she couldn’t think about it rationally. She never minded about his feelings, not even when Garrus and Joker told her about the days after her death.

The truth is that the Major surely made mistakes, and so did she.

She halts her movements to stare back at him. “No, you aren’t awful. You aren’t at all. I wouldn’t feel that bad because of you if you were an awful person.”

“Well, probably not. I– I don’t know.” His brows are furrowed and his eyes are glistening with unshed tears.

_Oh, Kaidan. I want to embrace you so badly._

* * *

 _I need her to understand how I felt during all this time, how much she meant– how much she_ means _to me._

Alenko takes a deep breath. “Shepard, listen to me. I haven’t spent a single day of my life without thinking about you. You were always, always on my mind. You were the reason why I woke up every day, I fought every battle I was in and I kept surviving against everything.”

The Commander sighs. “For me it was the same. Somehow Garrus found a picture of you during his first week aboard the new Normandy, and he sent it to me. I bought a digital frame and I placed it on my desk. I looked at it every day, even while I was under arrest in Vancouver.”

_“I spent six months hearing her sighing every time she glanced at a mysterious picture frame turned face-down on her desk.”_

“Shepard…” The Major steps toward her, still not daring to touch her. “About the time you spent on Earth, I didn’t know anything since the day before we met, because I wasn’t there in the Sol System. As soon as I was informed about your status, I tried to come and visit you, though James stopped me.”

“Oh!” she exclaims surprised, “He didn’t tell me that. Anyway, I was aware that no one could interact with me. It wasn’t your fault.”

“When we finally met, together with Anderson, you were so… cold.”

“Yeah. I was not prepared to see you there.” She shakes her head, the crimson locks of her tail falling softly over her shoulders. “When I listened to your voice calling my name I was overtaken by fear. How would you act in front of me? So I tried to conceal my worries being… neutral?”

“ _Neutral_ isn’t exactly the word I’d use, but I get your point.” He gives a low chuckle. “Your glacial behavior stunned me. I stayed there, stuck on the same spot for a while, staring at the door you went through, with James glancing at me with his ‘this guy is loco’ expression.” The corners of the woman’s lips curl up shyly, and Kaidan’s heart skips a beat at the sight.

“Then everything happened – the Reapers’ attack,” he continues, “There was a lot of confusion; nonetheless, in that confusion, the only thing that mattered to me was to reach you, to rescue you. You can’t imagine the relief I felt when the Admiral called me and told me you were with him, alive.”

“No, I can definitely imagine it.” She lets her gaze wander around the room, awkwardly. “Anderson saved my life. I was unconscious, trapped under debris. He woke me up and helped me to get out from that trap. When he managed to contact you with his comm-link, I realized I was holding my breath, scared.”

Those terrible moments are still haunting Alenko’s dreams, though he can’t deny that hearing that she was concerned for him as well makes him happy.

“It was weird to see you on the Normandy, welcoming me aboard the ship that Cerberus built for me. In any other circumstance I would probably have laughed at you.” Shepard adds, bitterly.

“And, after that, we went to Mars,” Kaidan carries on, well aware that this will lead them to another huge mistake he made.

Anger comes back to darken the Commander’s expression. “Fuck Cerberus! And also fuck you and your damned suspicions about me, my mind and my damned rebuilt body! How– how could you accuse me of knowing what they were doing in there? How could you ask me if Cerberus had turned me into a husk like their operatives? How could you think of me like a puppet of the Illusive Man? How could you… after what I’ve done at the Collector base… after what happened on Earth… after you’d seen me saying goodbye to Anderson!” Her shouts resound all over the place.

He approaches her and tries to take her hand in his, but she chases him away, bothered. “Don’t you dare!”

“Shepard. Calm down, please.” He can’t stand to see her like this. “I am truly sorry. All that I can say is that the idea of you being alive, even after what happened on Horizon, made me hope to have you back in my life. This is what I always wanted; the only thing I ever wished for myself. Yet, at the same time, I was terrified by the thought of losing you again.”

She looks at him agape and clearly confused. “What…?”

“When I saw you in Vancouver, gorgeous and charming as you ever had been, my feelings for you, which I tried to bury deep inside my heart in vain, burst out, stronger than ever. But you were so damn cold with me. And then there was the attack, the escape, the landing on Mars… There was chaos around me and inside my head. Jesus – I am not even sure about what I’m trying to say.” He brushes his temple with the back of his hand. “A dreadful fear took control of me, stirring up all my doubts about you, about the fact that you might not have been the Shepard I used to know, _my_ Shepard. It was a mechanism of self-defense, so that I wouldn’t suffer anymore for your loss, because you weren’t _you_ … Yeah, it’s absurd, I get it.” He focused his gaze on the floor, panicked.

_What the hell am I saying? Is this the way I want to fix things with her? Shit. Awful is the fucking word. I really am awful._

* * *

The Commander is staring at Alenko with her eyes wide open, completely shocked by his confession. _I can’t understand… Is he really telling me that he treated me like a Cerberus spy, a fucking traitor, because it was easier to hate me than to admit he still loved me and to risk losing me again? What? That makes no sense._

Slowly, her anger vanishes and the voice of reason pops up to incite her. _Ok, Shepard. Let’s try to be rational. What did you learn from the things that have been said tonight? You are afraid of him, because he broke your heart, he doubted about you on Horizon, on Mars… And he was afraid of you, because he didn’t really know what Cerberus did to your mind and your body. Can you really blame him for this?_

No, she can’t.

Anyway, during the Citadel coup, the Major proved to her that he trusts her again, shooting Udina only because she told him he was a traitor, without any evidence to show him. _He believed in me, finally._ Tension flows out of her.

He almost died in front of her eyes on Mars. She remembers perfectly the fear and the despair she felt at the thought she’d lost him forever. He lived with the same sentiments for two years and she never gave a damn about it.

_Come on, Shepard. At the hospital he tried to talk to you about his feelings, yet you didn’t want to listen, you were too afraid, too stubborn. And now? What will you do? You love him – oh yes, you love him more than your own fucking retaken life, more than everything in the damn galaxy. So, if there is even only a single possibility to be with him again, do you really want to waste it? Perhaps you don’t deserve it, but he does._

What if he doesn’t want her anymore? What if she has already wasted her chances with him?

_There you are again, Shepard, trying to escape from the truth. He saw you crying, he comforted you, he dried your tears, and he looked at you fondly. When you pushed him away, he faced you with an incredible boldness and decision. You almost attacked him, you shouted at him with resentful words, and he listened to every single thing. He tried to explain himself, he confessed his worse weakness, and now he is here, in front of you. Isn’t this love? And even if it’s not, he showed you he still is the awesome man you fell in love with, with the integrity and the honesty that you always admired._

Yes, Kaidan has been her anchor, her strength, her rock. His firm loyalty and devotion to their cause, to the Alliance, to the Normandy crew, to his Commander… they never failed to amaze her during their mission against Saren.

Now is she really blaming him for being exactly like that?

* * *

Alenko can’t look back at the woman. He’s aware that she’s trying to work through what he said to her, and now he waits, frightened.

_I want her. I need her. But I’ve probably only made things worse._

Suddenly, a warm hand touches his left arm. He turns his head towards it and his heart rate instantly increases: Shepard’s face is now a few inches away from his, her breath blowing hot over his chin, and her eyes… Oh God, her beautiful eyes are full of… hope?

“I have to thank you, Kaidan. And I’ve to apologize to you for being so rough and hard with you.” There is no hint of resentment in her sweet voice.

“Thank me… what…?” he questions her, astonished, “You have nothing to thank me, nothing to apologize. I was–I _am_ aw–”

“Shhh…” She places her index finger on his lips to hush him. “Yes, I have to thank you for finding the courage to deal with me when I was only escaping from our problems. And I have to apologize to you because I was focused only on my feelings, I didn’t think about yours. Both of us made mistakes, both of us were awful in this situation. Please, don’t blame yourself anymore; I am the one who deserves to–”

“No, Shepard. Never.” He lifts his right arm and he cups her jaw, his fingers brushing her cheek. “I never wanted you to feel guilt. All I want is…” He can’t finish his line because he gets lost in her blue orbs.

Is it really hope that he’s seeing in them?

They are insanely close; his body is filled by desire, by the need of her. The need to touch her, to caress every inch of her skin, to kiss her deeply, to whisper in her ears how much he missed her, how much he loves her, how much he wants her.

The sole sounds echoing in the room are their heartbeats.

Her right hand is still on his arm and the other is moving to reach his on her cheek–

“Sorry to interrupt, Major.” The Normandy AI’s voice startles them and they move away from each other.

“EDI! What the–” Alenko exclaims.

“You told me you didn’t want to be interrupted unless there was an emergency.”

“What’s happened?” Shepard’s tone turns professional as her Commander rank requires.

“I detected an anomaly on the planet we’re surveying. It seems to be a distress call from an Alliance ship crashed down there, under assault by the Reapers’ forces.”

“How much time will it take to get there, EDI?”

“19 minutes.”

“All right. Tell Garrus to be ready in 15 at the Shuttle bay.”

“Roger, Commander.”

After a moment of silence, Kaidan mutters, “It’s obvious that EDI is suffering from Joker’s bad influence, fucking killjoy man.”

Shepard bursts into laughter, causing his heart to melt down.

“I missed your laugh so much,” he whispers and she blushes awkwardly.

“Well then, Major. Suit up and be ready at the Shuttle bay with Garrus. Let’s see if your implants are up to shape again, after your lazy days at the hospital.”

“Aye, aye, ma’am.” He grins. “But, Shepard… This isn’t over.”

“I definitely hope not, Major,” she murmurs as she turns toward the door.


	14. Chapter 14

_08/23/2186 – Normandy SR-2, Shuttle bay_

James Vega is at his workbench, trying to do something useful while he’s waiting for the return of his squad mates from the mission.

He is very concerned about his Commander. He had noticed that there could have been something between her and the Major in the past, something important that makes her still suffer.

During the months he had to guard her in Vancouver – as he said at the poker table – Shepard seemed more like a teenager with a broken heart than the most famous badass Commander of the Alliance. At that time he didn’t know who was the cause of her distress, and Vega never minded about romance: he isn’t the kind of ‘one woman’ man. He has so much ‘love’ to give, that it seems wrong to him not to share it with as many people as possible.

But the day of the Reapers’ attack, when he saw the anguish in the woman’s eyes as the Major called her name, the sad look he gave at her as she left the room, their quarrel on Mars, and her desperation when the Cerberus mech almost killed him… the situation became crystal clear to James.

He never had the heart to ask what happened between the two of them, though, also because there are regs against fraternization in the Alliance and he didn’t want to get his Commander in trouble. Somehow he started to become fond of that crazy lady, who proved to be a human typhoon on the battleground, the strongest and most powerful soldier he had ever seen.

Now Alenko is back on duty aboard the Normandy, and Shepard seems to be panic-stricken and frustrated. He wanted to help her, so he began to tease the new addition, till last night, when he spoke quite frankly in front of him – perhaps Vega went too far, he has always been a spitfire.

Then, this morning, the Commander didn’t call him for the mission. It was a bit odd, yet the Lieutenant thought she would bring EDI along with her and Garrus, her right-hand man. He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw Alenko with them instead of the AI.

He didn’t become Major without credit, of course, and James got acquainted with his flawless military record. During the last three years, Kaidan Alenko’s career went forward from being part of Shepard’s team when she fought against Saren, till he became the second Human Spectre. Not to mention that he is officially considered one of the most powerful and experienced biotics of the whole Alliance.

However, Vega noticed that Shepard was hiding from her colleague, hence seeing them going on a mission together was strange.

Well, truth is that Lola is a professional CO, and Alenko is a very capable soldier, who just joined her crew; it’s obvious that she did choose him. Plus, he spent weeks out of combat due to his incident on Mars; maybe the Commander wants to test if he’s completely recovered and operational.

Besides all of these reasons, James couldn’t help but notice that there was something different between the two of them, while they were putting on their armors – they seemed to be embarrassed and awkward. Shepard kept glimpsing furtively at the Major when he was busy, and he did the same with her as soon as her attention was focused elsewhere.

“The Kodiac is coming back aboard,” EDI warns. “Opening the Bay doors in 5.”

* * *

“Wow! Wow! WOW!” The Commander can barely hold back her enthusiastic squeals as she steps out of the shuttle. “That. Was. AMAZING!”

“That it was,” Garrus follows her, nodding satisfied.

“What’s up, Lola?” Vega moves towards them.

“James! Such a pity, you missed that great combat!” Shepard’s shining smile almost glares him.

 _What the hell?_ He’s shocked; he has never seen her so thrilled.

“Hey, Lola, calm down. It’s not possible you had an interesting battle without me there,” he jokes, trying to conceal his surprise.

“There you are, my swellhead Vega.” She chuckles. “I’m sorry I’m hurting your feelings, though I haven’t enjoyed a fight like this from a long time.”

She turns her head to wink at Alenko, who’s approaching them as well. “You know, the Major’s biotics skills are very impressive. It wasn’t just like old times, it was way much better.”

“Thank you, Commander.” The Sentinel rubs his nape bashfully. “Anyway your Vanguard abilities are nothing less than amazing. I haven’t seen anyone biotically charge the enemies, it’s extraordinary.”

“Yeah, it’s as powerful as it is dangerous; if I charge and then use my Nova ability, my shields go down for a while, leaving me defenseless. Today, thanks to the strong barriers you cast over me, I was free to rush and explode everywhere. It was so damn exciting!” she exclaims, clapping her hands.

“As I promised you, Shepard, I’ve got your back.” Alenko gives her a warm and reassuring grin and James notices that it makes the red-head blush for a moment.

_Uh-huh._

“Yes Major, you do,” she agrees. “And your Reave skill? Samara, the Justicar who was with us during our mission against the Collectors, sometimes used it. But you use it with an unbelievable mastery. It is awesome, isn’t it Garrus?”

“Of course, Alenko, you’d be a great Justicar,” the turian teases him, and they all start to laugh.

“Thank you. Do you think that the Asari will accept a human biotic in their lines, Vakarian?”

“You should definitely try and ask for it. In any case, I’ve to admit that, while I was busy saving those two biotic asses of yours, I enjoyed the show. It was a real mess, with Shepard charging and firing far and near, and Kaidan’s blue beams everywhere. You’re right, even better than the old times. Good job, Major,” Garrus gently pats the soldier’s shoulder.

“Guys, if you are going to carry on with all these _amazing_ , _awesome_ , _unbelievable_ , I’ll become jealous, you know?” Actually James _is_ jealous – he really wishes he could have been there with them.

And the Commander? She can’t be this happy just because of the mission, and the dreamy looks she casts at Alenko fortify his doubts. Is it possible that his words at the poker table stirred the Major and he finally decided to make his move towards her? Then when? They finished their poker night very late, and this morning they left for the mission veryl early.

“Sorry Lieutenant, you’re right.” Shepard nods, her tone becoming serious. “The mission was a success, though, unfortunately, there were no survivors from the crash. Yet, we found some useful data and resources from the debris. EDI, how’s the system survey going?”

“We’ve only one planet left to scan, then we will be ready to leave.”

“At what time should we be back at the Citadel?”

“If the last scan is negative, we’ll be docking tomorrow at 1130.”

“Perfect. EDI, tell Joker to set course towards the Citadel as soon as the scan ends.”

The trio start to take off their armors in silence, while Vega keeps studying the movements of the two Spectres. Shit, the curiosity is killing him. But he can’t ask anything – if he’s wrong he would hurt her, and he doesn’t want that. Also, Scars would probably kill him.

The turian is very protective of his human friend, even if he hides it in front of her – the Commander is the kind of woman who doesn’t like to appear fragile and in need of help. Still, James knows that their bond is very strong, and Garrus is always ready to keep her safe and encourage her, like an elder brother.

_Great, I have an idea. Let’s try it._

“So Lola, are you ‘busy’ tonight?” he says, raising his forefingers to make the quotation marks gesture, making fun of her – he didn’t cope with the fact that she let them down at the poker table to watch a damned vid.

She stops her actions and stares at him with a questioning look. “Of course I am. I’ve got a lot of reports to write for tomorrow. Why?”

“Well, I realized that we didn’t celebrate the return of Major Alenko to your crew. Maybe we can do something for his first official mission aboard the Normandy SR-2, especially if it was really that exciting like you kept repeating. What do you think, Lola?”

Shepard raises an eyebrow, baffled. “Do you want to throw a party on my ship?”

“No, not a real party. Just having some drinks at the Port Observation, maybe playing some poker, while the three of you can tell us about your ‘old times’ together fighting Saren. You know, until now we all listened only to Scars’ version of the story, and I don’t know how fair he is when he talks about his own actions.” He smirks at the Turian, who snorts at him.

The woman gives a fast glimpse at the Major, who is gazing back at her, hopefully, without saying anything.

 _Let’s try with the puppy eye._ “Please, Lola. Can you give us the honor of your presence tonight? Come on, don’t make me beg.”

She pinches the bridge of her nose and she closes her lids, meditative. “All right, all right. You win Lieutenant. I’ll be there tonight. Let’s celebrate. I think you all deserve a little time to relax,” she finally states.

“Commander, you deserve it more than anyone on this ship.” Vega smiles at her.

“Mhmh. Thanks, though I’m not that sure you’re right. Now I should go, I need a shower and clean clothes. See you later, men.” And with that she leaves the deck.

“Yes!” James exults, and then he winks at Alenko. “Prepare your credits, Major. This night we’re going to have so much fun! And get ready to taste my special Tequila.” He feels a little guilty, because of the way he’s treated him lately – even if it has been probably useful, somehow.

The biotic nods at him and then enters the elevator.

Vega moves close to Garrus. “That was a good idea, wasn’t it?”

The turian is working on his sniper rifle, and without sparing a glance at the muscular soldier, he replies, “Maybe you are not totally a fool, by the way. Nevertheless, if you are going to say something wrong or inappropriate like yesterday, you know I will take care of you, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do. But thanks for warning me, Scars.”

 


	15. Chapter 15

_08/23/2186 – Normandy SR-2, Captain’s cabin_

Shepard steps inside her loft, and, abruptly, exhaustion crashes over her, mixed with the adrenaline that still rushes into her body after the mission.

She keeps thinking about how powerful Kaidan’s combat skills are now. She didn’t have the time to notice it on Mars, because of all the chaos in her mind and in her heart, after the attack on Earth, the goodbye to Anderson, and the dreadful questions the Major asked her about Cerberus. But today, she was able to pay attention to him, and he proved to be amazingly strong and capable. Having him watching her back made her feel so safe that she could exploit all her dangerous abilities with no worries.

Alenko definitely deserved to be a Spectre and a Major, and he must be an amazing teacher for his students of the Biotic Division. When she remembers how sad his eyes were as he told her that he couldn’t find out where his squad were, her stomach twists for a moment.

She takes a deep breath and slips off her boots, her suit and her underwear and goes straight to the bathroom.

The steamy water of the shower slides pleasantly over her aching muscles, making her relax, though she starts to shiver. Despite the fact that she tried not to think about last night, the words said between her and Kaidan come back to her all at once.

The Commander can’t understand how she’s feeling at the moment – guilty, relieved, bewildered, hopeful, concerned. Her mind is completely in a mess; but, at least, there is no more pain. Now she can say his name without her heart aching as if a knife had penetrated it.

She remembers the closeness their faces, his labored breath on her lips, the warmth of his hand on her cheek, his mesmerizing gaze locked onto hers. She almost cried out her need to kiss him, to taste him again.

If EDI hadn’t interrupted them, what would have happened? She doesn’t know.

Her pulse start to quicken, so she tries to concentrate on cleaning out the blood of their latest enemies from her hair. She closes her eyes to prevent the shampoo stinging them, and the memories of the times when Alenko used to join her in the shower invade her mind.

She used to love how he cherished washing her red locks, his motions delicate and careful.

_His calloused hands disappearing between all the bubbles, softly rubbing her head. His lips joined with hers, kissing her slowly. His fingers caressing her to rinse out the soap, then moving down her neck, her shoulders, her back…_

Shepard swallows hard, chasing away the thoughts and focusing her attention on her grimy skin. While brushing her chest with the bath sponge, her stare drops to her left breast, where there is her most important and personal tattoo. It is based on a personal drawing of hers and represents her family: interwoven curves that point to three small stars and a broken heart.

The last symbol has been added later, after Horizon. Perhaps it was a stupid thing, but at the time it seemed to help her deal with the reality – she had lost Kaidan. She knew that no matter what he said to her, she would never love another man in her life, so she wanted indelible proof of it on her flesh.

_What would he think about it?_

She senses her cheeks blushing wildly – is she really thinking about the possibility that Alenko would ever see her naked again?

Truth be told, despite what they’ve been through, and despite her belief that he did move on with his life without her, deep in her heart there has always been a little hope of getting back together with him, somehow. Now, after last night, that spark has grown so big that it has started to fight with her own rationality.

The Commander turns off the water and new reminiscences of her time with her ex-lover overwhelm her, the way he always wanted to be the one who got out of the shower first.

_His strong arms surrounding her wet body with a towel, embracing her gently. His hands moving slowly to dry off the water from her skin, gazing at her with his bright eyes full of love, murmuring her first name with an adoring tone in his voice. His muscular pecs coming into contact with her soft chest, along with his hips pressing against hers, unable to hide a certain bulge that–_

“Damn. Stop it brain!” Shepard shouts to herself as she exits from the bathroom, trying to ignore the increasing fire at the pit of her stomach, and she goes straight to her closet.

Fuck, James’ party.

God help her, why the hell did she accept his proposal? She has plenty of things to do, and hanging out with her crew mates, drinking and playing poker, definitely isn’t one of them. She should probably have let him down and worked on her reports. Anyway, she’s more than aware that she couldn’t do that, especially because she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything but Alenko.

Shepard stares at her own reflection in the mirror of the wardrobe; she chose to wear a pair of red trousers and a black N7 T-shirt, the close-fitting fabric highlighting her curvy shape. For a brief moment she wonders if they’re not too risky, then she imagines the Major’s eyes roaming up and down her with hunger and the burning in her belly intensifies.

_What the hell is happening to me? Till yesterday I was almost a ghost, and now I’m concerned about how I’ve to dress on my own ship to look nice?_

This is bullshit. Just because she and Kaidan managed to have a sincere talk, it doesn’t mean anything.

_“I tried many times to tell you what I feel, yet you never gave me a straight answer.”_

_“I haven’t spent a single day of my life without thinking about you. You were always, always on my mind. You were the reason why I woke up every day, I fought every battle I was in and I kept surviving against everything.”_

He did not move on without her, after all.

_“Then everything happened – the Reapers’ attack. There was a lot of confusion; nonetheless, in that confusion, the only thing that mattered to me was to reach you, to rescue you.”_

_“All that I can say is that the idea of you being alive, even after what happened on Horizon, made me hope to have you back in my life. This is what I always wanted; the only thing I ever wished for myself.”_

Does he still want her?

_“But, Shepard… This isn’t over.”_

Her entire body shivers at the idea of continuing their conversation.

How is it possible to love another person so much? She had never felt like that, never in her entire life, before she met him almost three years ago. She had known a lot of men, many of them very attractive, smart and even funny. Yet, not one of them ever gave her those butterflies in the stomach.

Her mind, her skin, her soul – every inch of her belongs to Major Kaidan Alenko. She tried so hard to ignore this, but she couldn’t. She wants him, she needs him, she craves for him – she always will.

“Shepard,” EDI voices wakes up from her musings.

“Yes?”

“We finished the scan. We’re now going to return to the Citadel as you ordered.”

“Thanks, EDI.”

“James and Jeff want you to know that they’ll be waiting for you in the Port Observation at 2200.”

“And what time is it now?”

“1812”

“Thanks again, EDI. I’ll be there in time.”

“Roger, Shepard.”

Who knows what’s in Vega mind. Celebrate Kaidan’s return to the Normandy? What a lie. However, this is a good idea. Even if they’re in a war, they’re all living creatures, and the crew deserves a night of fun.

She knows that the Lieutenant arranges to play poker almost every night, and sometimes she has even joined him, though she isn’t good at that game, and she didn’t enjoy the sight of the younger soldier buying up all her credits.

Yesterday the Major should have been there to play cards with him as well. Perhaps that’s why he was in the Port Observation when she went by to have a drink. Still, it was very late, and he was alone – why did he stay in there?

Her attention is captured by the picture frame on her desk. When she approaches it, Kaidan’s smiling face appears in front of her. In the picture he looks younger, with his dark curls and his smooth olive skin .

Staring at it, Shepard realizes how much he has grown during these years. He has the same incredibly handsome face, albeit the nice lad she used to know aboard the Normandy SR-1 has become the mature man he is now. New wrinkles hardened his kind expression and a shade of gray speckles his black hair. Despite finding him even more sexy, the woman can’t help but think how these three years they spent apart had worn him out. Duty, responsibility, worry, loss, grief – everything Alenko had been through had left a mark on him, and some of them are her fault.

The Commander sighs as she brushes her forefinger on the frame, wishing she’d have the chance to caress the love of her life again.

Suddenly, a faint beep from her terminal reminds her that she has a lot of work to do. Maybe it was really not the wisest decision to accept Vega’s invite tonight, because she’s very late with her reports. But, after those months of anguish, the idea spending some pleasant hours with his friends – with _him_ … she couldn’t refuse.

In addition, she’s more than sure that she won’t be able to sleep yet, with all these thoughts in her mind. So, if she doesn’t manage to finish her reports before going to the Crew’s Deck, she’ll have the rest of the night to finish them.

_Come on Shepard. Don’t be lazy anymore and start to work._


	16. Chapter 16

_08/23/2186 – Normandy SR-2, Starboard Observation_

The sight of the stars outside the window of this room usually suggests peace, quiet, relaxing to anyone who stares at it.

Yet, at the moment, this endless view doesn’t succeed in soothing all the strong feelings that are overwhelming Kaidan’s mind and body.

All he can think about is Shepard.

His beloved Shepard.

The woman who had stolen his heart the very first time he saw her, and who had taken it with her even when she was dead.

Last night Alenko realized that he has been a fool, because he should have spoken to her as soon as he came aboard the Normandy SR-2 – perhaps even before that. All these days, after all those years without her… What waste of precious time. Garrus was right, he was too stubborn. Now he intends to rectify that.

It was great to be back on the battleground with the Commander and Vakarian, ‘like old times’. The three of them always have been a damn good team, with the turian in the rear to watch their six with his sniper rifle, Shepard in the frontline and Kaidan behind her, supporting and protecting her.

But today the encounter was really amazing: he was very calm and concentrated, his biotics never worked so well, and his attention was all focused on the Vanguard’s security. Her new abilities astonished him, she had fought like a force of nature, downing all the enemies without hesitation. Sometimes she glanced at him with a revealing look in her eyes, letting him know that she was safe thanks to him, and he felt like he was at home again.

Ever since he understood that he was totally in love with his Commander three years ago, his only wish was to protect her, to be her strength, her relief, her support, her safe place to return to. During the months they spent aboard the old Normandy, he tried to be all of these things to her, though he was still too young, and their time together had been too short.

Not every day you gain a second chance to make amends, and Alenko will not waste it. He will show Shepard that he is a real man whom she can always count on, and, as Major and Spectre, he could be her right-hand man.

_Shepard._

He starts to remember what happened last night, how close they were the last moments before they were interrupted. A burning warmth goes down his spine as he thinks about embracing her again, smelling her sweet scent, kissing her full lips, brushing her soft tongue with his, undressing her slowly, drinking in the sight of her body, caressing her naked skin, listening to her murmuring his name full of desire, feeling her shivering with pleasure under him.

If only EDI hadn’t interrupt them.

Perhaps it was for the best. That wasn’t the right place and the right moment. Kaidan dreamt about being together again with the love of his life so many times, that whenever it’d occur, he wants it to be special.

_“But, Shepard… This isn’t over.”_

When he said it to her, he knew exactly _what_ he had to do, not _when_ and _where_. Then the Commander decided they’d be returning back to the Citadel, and everything went to the right place.

He taps something on his omni-tool, and he stops before clicking the ‘send’ button.

He didn’t catch wrong signals from her, did he?

All at once, the image of Kevin Shaw claiming her lips for himself a few days ago comes back to haunt him.

The biotic’s blood freezes in his veins – he had completely forgotten about that episode. They haven’t talked about it, and now he regrets it.

That kiss… What did it mean for Shepard? She punched the blond N7 after it, and yet… How does she feel about Shaw?

Alenko hisses out a breath through clenched teeth, trying to ignore the scorching jealousy that is tormenting him.

The clock of his omni-tool warns him that it’s time for him to attend Vega’s party. Perhaps it would be better if he waits to see how things go. He saves the message without sending it and leaves the room, heading towards the Port Observation.

* * *

When the Major enters the place, it is already crowded with people he barely knows by name. Thankfully, he glimpses Joker sitting on a couch, together with EDI, James Vega, Specialist Samantha Traynor and Lieutenant Steve Cortez.

“Hi Kaidan. You’re early today,” the pilot waves to him.

“Are you so excited about your celebration?” James gives him his well-known sneer.

“Well, is that a problem? Did I interrupt anything?”

“Of course it’s not a problem. You’re more than welcome, Major.” Cortez gets up on his feet and holds out his hand to him. “Don’t care about this fool.”

“Come on, Vega.” Alenko says after replying to the nice gesture of the Lieutenant. “Who are you trying to kid? Your idea of ‘celebrating’ my return was an excuse to get the Commander’s permission to party all night long.”

“Why should I have to invent an excuse? It’s a great honor for our crew to have you here, Major,” James answers innocently, “I was just waiting for the right evening to convince the Commander to join us. She seemed so busy during the last few days.”

“Or maybe she is tired of losing all her credits playing poker with you, Vega.” Taylor pokes him, then she stands up and copies Cortez’s gesture, greeting the newcomer. “Welcome, Major Alenko.”

The Sentinel thanks everyone, feeling a little uneasy, with all the people in there staring at him. He knows he has to endure being the center of the attention only until Shepard’s arrival, then they will focus on her, as always.

“Scuttlebutt says that last mission was very exciting, is it right Kaidan?” Jeff asks warmly.

“Yes, definitely. It was great to fight with Shepard and Garrus once again.”

A faint sound warns them that the door is opening and Alenko’s heart starts to race in his chest. When Liara and Diana Allers enter the room, he can’t hide his disappointment.

_Oh my God, not the journalist._

“Please, Dr. T’soni. Why don’t you want to talk about your mysterious work here on the Normandy?”

“Because I doubt that your human audience is interested in a single Asari who only wants to help her old friends to take down the Reapers.” Liara is clearly annoyed by Allers’ question, and this is understandable: her identity as Shadow Broker is known only by a few people, namely him, Shepard, Vakarian, Joker, Admiral Anderson, Admiral Hackett and, of course, EDI.

Luckily for the ex-archaeologist and unluckily for him, the brunette notices his presence and dashes towards him. “Major Alenko, what a great pleasure to see you.” She winks at him.

 _I need help._ Kaidan thinks as his eyes wander around the room, searching for a way out. Then a big strong hand grabs his left shoulder, pulling him away.

“Diana please, don’t try to monopolize our guest of honor. I invited you because I thought that you might get bored, closed up all the time in your cabin. But you swore to me that you wouldn’t act like a fucking snooper.”

Alenko lets his jaw drop, shocked: unbelievably, Vega is ready to rescue him.

“Oh, my dear James, don’t worry. All I want to do this evening is to enjoy this lovely company!” Allers exclaims with a knowing look on her face.

“Good to know. Although, the Major is off limits. So now, would you excuse us.” With that, he forces Kaidan to follow him towards the bar, leaving the journalist bewildered.

“Come on, Major. I promised you my special Tequila.” Vega takes a bottle from the shelf in front of them. Then, seeing how astonished the other man is, he explains himself. “Hey, I had no idea that Diana was interested in you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have invited her tonight. Damn it, I don’t want Lola to get upset again.”

For the very first time Kaidan manages to get past his personal diffidence towards the younger soldier, understanding that he really cares about his Commander. Perhaps James teased him because he is concerned for her and this is his way to show his affection.

 _This guy is completely crazy._ He thinks and his dislike towards him suddenly disappears.

“Thanks, Lieutenant.” Alenko takes the glass he’s offering him and drinks the liquor. “Ouch!”

“Ah! Not bad eh, Major?”

He doesn’t have the time to reply, because his stomach starts to flutter, and not for the strong Tequila: the sweetest laugh of the whole galaxy invades the room, the same one that always permeates all of his dreams about its owner.

Shepard arrives at Port Observation, arm in arm with Garrus, the two of them chuckling amused.

 _She’s wearing a simple sporting outfit, and still she’s so damn sexy._ Kaidan is breathless.

“Commander! I’m so glad you are here.” Traynor’s ringing voice interrupts her laughter.

The red-headed lady nods to the Specialist, leaving her grip on Vakarian’s forearm, and starts to inspect the room, as if looking for someone. When her eyes meet Alenko’s, she gives him a large smile that turns his legs into pudding. “Good evening, Major. Are you ready for your party?”

He is overwhelmed by the strong sensations she awoke in him just with her presence in the room, so he opens his mouth though no words come out from it. The Commander gazes at him puzzled, then she notices Vega’s Tequila. “Oh shit, James. This isn’t fair. You started to drink without waiting for me.”

“Sorry, Lola, the Major here needed some fuel to start the night.” He says, while refilling the glass that Kaidan gulps down quickly, half regaining the control of his actions.

“I see. Our Alliance poster boy always hated to be at the focus of interest.” Shepard smirks teasingly at him, and Alenko can’t help but blush. _She knows me very well._

“No more chatting, James. I’m thirsty for Tequila!” She exclaims, slamming her hand on the counter of the bar.

“There you go, Lola.” He hands her shot and she swallows it, giggling.

“Commander, did you finish all your reports for tomorrow?” Samantha Traynor reappears at her side.

“Honestly, I didn’t. Still, I will have enough time to work on them before we arrive at the Citadel.”

“It would be a honor for me if you let me help you, Commander.” The Specialist’s expression is full of hope.

 _What…? Oh no. Another Liara chasing my Shepard?_ Kaidan’s jealousy emerges once again.

He glimpse the Asari, who is talking with EDI on the couches. Aboard the old Normandy, the young archaeologist, a specialist in Prothean culture, had immediately showed her interest towards the Commander, an interest other than professional. For some time Alenko has been terrified by it, given that he couldn’t declare his own feelings without breaking fraternization rules. Thankfully for him, Shepard never reciprocated Liara’s attentions, and the two of them turned out to be good friends.

Now, seeing the young Samantha talking so excitedly to their Commander gives him bad déjà vu.

“Thanks for the offer, Traynor. Yet, I don’t think you could help me.” Shepard’s reply makes the girl slightly pout. “Anyway, your work at the CIC is vital for our mission and I need you to be operational at 100% without any other distraction.” She grins and gently pats the Specialist’s shoulder, comforting her. “As the CO of the ship, it’s _my_ job to do the reports.”

“What kind of report are you talking about, Lola? For the Alliance and for the Council?” Vega asks.

“Exactly.”

“So why don’t you work with the Major? He is an Alliance officer and a Council Spectre as well. I bet you could help each other with the papers.” The Lieutenant states as he refills the glasses of the two biotics, who are staring at him agape.

Is James really trying to help them to reconcile?

“Probably not a bad idea,” Shepard whispers, shyly. “Is it, Major?”

“I would be more than glad to work with you, Commander. Actually, you do most of the job alone, but I am here to help you, if you’ll allow me to.” Somehow he manages to speak with a low and sure tone, while giving her a warm smile that makes her cheeks flush.

“Well thank you, Major. Then, from now on, I will update you about all the red tape.”

“Aye, aye, ma’am.”


	17. Chapter 17

As the party goes on, all the people in the Port Observations seem to be enjoying themselves. As Kaidan predicted, despite Vega’s idea to ‘celebrate’ him, the attention of the crew is focused on Shepard – except for Diana Allers.

During the first part of the evening, the Major had to escape many times from the journalist’s advances, though he was very glad to notice the Commander glancing at her with eyes full of fire. _Maybe I am not the only one jealous, after all._

Then, suddenly, Allers receives a message on her omni-tool, and, cursing it, she apologizes and says goodbye to him, going back to her cabin.

Alenko sighs, relieved, and his attention is immediately captured by Edi and Joker, sitting near James, who is staring towards the door with a satisfied expression on his face.

_Wait– Did he manage to do something to free me from her?_

The Lieutenant turns to look at him, winking.

 _Yes, he did._ Kaidan would never have thought he might be so grateful to James Vega.

* * *

After a lot of begging and shots of Tequila, they all finally succeed in convincing Shepard to join the poker table, and there they are now, with Garrus, Joker and Cortez, along with Traynor, Liara and Edi watching the activity.

“Oh, come on. That’s not possible. James, you’re a fucking cheater, that’s it.” Shepard throws her cards on the table, very pissed.

“Please Lola, can you help me to remember who told me ‘Stop trying to make excuses, Lieutenant. You just lost, end of the story’?” he teases her, quoting the line she said to him a couple of days ago.

“Fuck you, Vega. I am Commander Shepard, the Hero of the Citadel, the First Human Spectre. I can’t lose every time at this damned game because of your cheating!” She hits the table with her right fist.

“So, Commander Shepard can’t win at poker against a simple Lieutenant. It might hurt you badly, hey Lola?”

“That’s interesting. We found out the only weakness of our mighty leader: she can’t play poker.” Cortez smiles gently at Shepard but she beams him a hateful glare.

“That is not the truth,” Liara corrects him, “She has at least another weakness.”

“What?” The Commander asks surprised.

“You can’t dance.” The Asari starts to laugh at her friend’s annoyed expression.

“Wait, Doc,” James interrupts her, “I saw Lola dancing at Purgatory some time ago, and she definitely got the moves. Speaking of which… who was that blond guy who was clinging to you very possessively, Lola?”

At his question, Shepard chokes on her drink, while Kaidan, who’s sitting at her left, almost crushes the glass in his hand. _Shit._

“I– He– he was–” she stammers.

Alenko’s blood is chilling in his veins, overtaken again by the fear of what that damned evening with Shaw might have meant for the woman.

“Oh, come on, Lola. He also gave you a k–”

“Stop it, right now, Lieutenant,” she cuts him off, clearly embarrassed. “He was an old friend of mine, another N7. We met in Rio when we started the training at the ICT. There is nothing between the two of us. He is– sometimes he acts like a jerk, that’s all.”

Her commanding tone doesn’t leave any space for replies, and an awkward silence invades the room, giving Kaidan the time to regain his wits after the minutes of pure dread he has just been through. _She doesn’t want Shaw. Thank God._

Suddenly, he notices her blue eyes focused on him, an intense gaze that makes his breath hitch for a moment. Then, shyly, she turns her head away, leaving the biotic astonished. _Was she trying to tell me something?_

“However, what Liara affirmed was true.” Joker’s voice stirs him from his thoughts. “You were awful as it came to dancing at Flux, Commander. I bet you got better thanks to Jack. The desperate voice of that psychopath still echoes in the whole ship from the times you two danced together.”

 _What? Who’s this Jack now?_ And there it is – his jealousy coming back to torture the Major, the situation also worsened by Shepard’s chuckles.

“Yeah, now you can laugh,” Moreau continues, while dealing the cards. “But when you two crazy biotics almost put a hole in the hull of my ship during one of your ‘dancing nights’ – that wasn’t funny.”

 _Another biotic? Who the hell is he?_ Alenko clenches his fists under the table.

“Joker, you’re exaggerating as usual. Jack was showing me one of her biotic dance moves. I tried to emulate her, though I might have used too much emphasis on the ‘biotic’ part.”

“Are you talking about that tattooed woman we rescued at the Grissom Academy together with the students?” Traynor investigates.

 _Grissom Academy. Biotic tattooed woman. Jack? Oh._ Kaidan begins to remember her.

The Commander nods. “She is irritating from time to time, and definitely a spitfire, yet she is a good friend. The perfect partner to spend careless evenings with and go wild.” Her cherry lips curve in a sad smile at the memory of her, as she drops her cards on the table. “I’m out this turn. I’m going to get another bottle of liquor.”

“Me too,” Alenko affirms, rushing to follow her at the bar.

“Hey, Shepard. Were you talking about _that_ Jack – Subject Zero?” he asks her, as soon as they’re far enough from the poker table to not be overheard by the others.

She raises an eyebrow, surprised. “Exactly. How–” Then she trails off, frowning. “Oh, sure. Horizon.”

“No. I don’t remember her on Horizon – I can barely recall Garrus. Honestly, I was much too overwhelmed and confused to notice the other people around you.” Kaidan sighs, his sense of guilt always hanging over his head. “Anyway, as teacher and commanding officer of the Biotic Division, I was chosen to introduce her to her students at the Grissom Academy.”

“Really? Yeah, that makes sense.”

“There was nothing on her personal files about her working with you and Cerberus on the Normandy SR-2, so I had no idea about who she was. Jack was the one who recognized me – apparently she did remember me quite well.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I can assure you that she cares about you. A lot.” He winks at her.

“Why? What did she do?”

“She stood in front of me with a deadly scowl, and her first words were: ‘You’re an asshole’.”

The Commander’s eyes open wide, amazed, then she bites her bottom lip, trying to not burst into laughter.

“Don’t worry. You’re allowed to make fun of me, if you want to,” Kaidan smiles, happy to listen to her giggles. “She told me ‘Look, I don’t normally throw around compliments. But Shepard was a damn good Commander and a friend, and she didn’t deserve what you did to her’,” he repeats, copying Jack’s voice.

She gasps. “She actually said _this_ to you?”

“Of course she did. Then we started arguing about Horizon. She accused me to having abandoned you while you dropped everything when you found out where I was. I was so shocked that all I could do was to hush her with my biotics, telling her that she didn’t know anything about what she was talking about. Now I know that I was wrong. She is your friend, so you’ve probably told her everything about us.”

The Commander stares at the bottle in her hand, without saying a word.

“Well, at the end she acknowledged that at least I’ve got some balls. ‘Would’ve hated to see Shepard fall for a wuss’ she said. After that episode she never talked to me about you again.”

“No, definitely I would never fall for a wuss.” She chuckles. “Oddly, she didn’t told me anything about that.”

“Have you spoken to her lately?”

“Yes, we spent the evening together at Purgatory some weeks ago. By the way, I’m sorry for her behavior.”

“Don’t be, because I am not. It was awkward, sure, still I was very relieved to know that you had a person like her, who cared about you, watching your six during your fight against the Collectors, when I wasn’t there for you.”

“Well, thank you.” The Commander blushes. “Would you feel a little comforted if I tell you that the first thing she did as she saw me after all those months apart, was punch me in the face and curse me and Cerberus?”

“Mh, maybe a little.” He smirks.

“Hey guys come here, we’re waiting for you!” Joker calls them back to start a new round of game.

“So, Commander,” Traynor begins to talk as the two officers sit on their chairs, “Beside your N7 friend, and your dancing teacher, are there any other interesting people in your life?”

“Can you enlighten me about the meaning of ‘interesting’?” Shepard asks her suspiciously.

“Lola, I think Samantha wants to know if you have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend.”

“Wh– what?” The Vanguard can’t hide her surprise, while Kaidan almost sputters his drink over the table.

“This is hardly a topic of conversation with your commanding officer, is it?” Garrus growls, threatening, though the Commander makes a sign with her hand to hush him. She pours herself some liquor and gulps it in a swallow.

“Well. I– used to have– a _boyfriend_ , a long time ago.” Her tone is low and uncertain.

Alenko looks at her, almost trembling in concern.

“And then?” Traynor presses her.

“And then, you know, shit happened. I died.” Her eyes are focused on her empty glass and there is an indecipherable expression on her face.

“Yet, you’re alive now. Didn’t you try to contact him again?” Cortez questions her, gently.

“Somehow I did. But– it didn’t work.” The glass in her hand seems to be ready to melt down because of her intense gaze.

 _Oh God. What should I do? What is she thinking now? Damn it._ The Major is quite desperate.

“I’m sorry, Commander,” Steve says, “You know, I can understand exactly what you feel.”

“Yes, I do. Thank you, Cortez.”

“Oh, Commander. I-I apologise.” Samantha stutters, embarrassed. “I didn’t want to–”

“Wait a minute, Lola.” James cuts her off. “Are you actually saying that, after your death, after Cerberus rebuilt you… You never had any other affair?”

“Exactly,” Shepard replies, raising her right eyebrow, upset. “Why are you so surprised?”

“That means that you still haven’t tested your brand new body?”

Vega’s exclamation is followed by an astonished silence. No one in the room apparently can believe he actually said something so silly and out of line.

Then, suddenly, the Commander bursts into laughter. “Oh my God. James, only you could come up with such awkward thoughts! I would have never, _never_ considered myself some kind of… cybernetic maiden because of my ‘brand new body’. You’re a fucking crazy guy.” She’s almost crying with amusement. The tension in the air vanishes, and slowly the other people start to chuckle ask well – all of them except the Major, who looks very pale and concerned.

 _I was wrong, Vega doesn’t want to help me and Shepard to get back together. He’s clearly trying to kill me._ He thinks, cringing at the muscular man.

“You know, Lola, I’m always ready for you, if you want to inaugurate it.”

“Come on, James. We’re talking about my chastity – we can’t take the matter so lightly.” The Commander jokes, sniggering. “I have to consider all the possibilities, you know.”

He laughs. “I see, Lola. Do you have other options then?”

“Maybe.” She shrugs, and Kaidan doesn’t miss to notice the grin on her face, his heart beats quickening immediately.

“All right, I think I’m done. Thanks everybody for the nice evening, now boring reports are waiting for me. Good night.” Shepard gets up from her seat, making her way towards the exit. Then, right before the door closes behind her, she casts a last intense glance at Alenko.

* * *

As soon as the Commander enters her cabin, she notices a new incoming message on her private terminal. She sits down at her desk and when she opens it, her heart almost stops.

_– Subject: Dinner_

_Hey Shepard,_

_I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a little breather. Tomorrow we’re going to be on the Citadel, so let me buy you dinner. We should try Apollo’s. It’s that little restaurant in the courtyard overlooking the Presidium._

_Kaidan –_

She can barely breathe – is this a request for a date?

_“But Shepard… This isn’t over.”_

She inhales deeply, trying to stop shivering, then she touches the ‘reply’ button.

_– Re: Subject: Dinner_

_See you there, Major._

_S.S. –_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: The story Kaidan tells in this chapter, about him meeting Jack, comes from  _ **[Shenkodrabbles](http://shenkodrabbles.tumblr.com/)**_ ’ fanfic _"[At Grissom Academy](http://shenkodrabbles.tumblr.com/post/20410780282/at-grissom-academy)"_ because I love it, and I like to think that what she wrote happened also to Alenko in ‘my world’. Thanks so much to Shenkodrabbles for letting me use it! :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, I'm back! ^_^  
>   
> I have to apologize because I stopped updating this fic. Long story short, life is a bitch. I've been through some rough problems, to the point that I even ended up deleting almost all my accounts in social medias, like Tumblr and DeviantArt. I really needed to get rid of all the negativity in there: life is already hard, I couldn't carry on dealing also with the maliciousness and all the bullshit people often write, hiding themselves behind a nickname, a monitor.  
>   
> Still, I didn't have the heart to delete also this account, and my FFnet one (I just changed the name, from _'Sharilin'_ to _'LadyStitch'_ , because I wanted a fresh new start, to forget about Tumblr). I was hoping that I'd find the strength to keep writing, both this and my Dragon Age fics, and so I did – though I did it awfully slowly.  
>   
> Lately, while everyone is playing ME Andromeda, I find myself restarting ME1 for the umpteenth time, and drowning in Shenko feels all over again – no matter what, I always come back to Shenko, because Shenko is life! I immediately went back to re-read this fic, that is a collection of very old drabbles I did (like _very_ old eheheh), that I gathered all together in one single story, correcting and rewriting them, and adding new stuff. During these last few years, I can say that my English and my writing style got improved, but, often, rewriting something is harder than writing it anew.  
>   
>  Anyway, I still love this fic with all my heart, because, even if it seems to be a bit 'raw' from time to time, it's full of overwhelming Shenko feels, and that's what's important… right? Therefore, I decided to resume my work of re-writing it, and the super awesome _Jules Hawk_ is already ready to beta the new chapters: thank you so much Jules, your help and support means a lot to me!  
>   
>  I hope there are still people interesting in reading my Shepard and Alenko's story, because I'm deeply invested in this work now, and I really want to get through it, until the end this time – no matter what!  
>   
> Sooo, get ready for the incoming chapters, with the 'so-long-coveted' Apollo's date… Enjoy! :D

_08/24/2186 – Normandy SR-2, Captain's cabin_

TIME: 0954

This has been the fourth night that Shepard spent without sleeping a single minute. Although, unlike the last three days, this time she couldn't rest because of the strong wave of excitement that runs through her whole body. She also barely managed to finish her reports – all she can think about is that this evening she's going to have her first dinner date with the love of her life, Major Kaidan Alenko.

 _What should I wear? Oh God, I never had a date – not a_ real _one. Should I put on something elegant? What kind of place is Apollo's?_

The Commander usually doesn't give a damn about clothes and such things like that. Yet, this time she wants to be beautiful, only for him. Therefore she does some quick research on the extranet, and, to her great delight, she finds out that they're going to a quiet and informal restaurant, with an open space on a beautiful terrace in the Presidium.

She puffs relieved as she moves towards her nightstand, turning on the holo-clock. She wants to listen to some music to calm down herself, and a certain song comes immediately in her mind.

« Say my name  
So I will know you're back  
You're here again for a while

Oh, let us share  
The memories that only we can share  
Together

Tell me about  
The days before I was born,  
How we were as children

You touch my hand  
These colors come alive  
In your heart and in your mind

I cross the borders of time  
Leaving today behind to be with you again »

She had sung it plenty of times, during the moments when she was not too angry with Alenko. In particular, it kept haunting her mind after what happened on Mars.

* * *

_Shepard arrives at the Huerta Memorial Hospital to visit the Major. This is the first time she has come here since the encounter at the Prothean archives that almost cost his life._

" _The head trauma was severe, but we reduced the swelling quickly," Doctor Michel explains. "These types of injury can go either way. He hasn't regained consciousness, yet his vitals are strong, so I'm optimistic." Despite her reassuring speech, the Commander can't stop fearing she'd lose him, forever._

_When she enters Alenko's room, quietly, her breath catches in her throat at the sight of him: his handsome face is covered by bruises and wounds, his naked chest is rising up and down following his irregular breathing._

_The red-head takes a chair and sits near him. She fights back her tears – she has to hold on, for him. Suddenly, that song comes in her mind, and, without realizing what she's doing, she starts to sing it low._

_« We breathe the air  
Do you remember how you used to touch my hair?_

_You're not aware_  
Your hands keep still  
You just don't know that I am here

 _It hurts too much_  
I pray now that soon you'll release  
To where you belong

 _You touch my hand_  
These colors come alive  
In your heart and in your mind

_I cross the borders of time  
Leaving today behind to be with you again »_

Kaidan, return to where you belong. Please fight. That's an order.

* * *

Those lyrics mean a lot to Shepard, fueling her feelings and her desire for the Major.

Since the tragedy on Mindoir, she didn't want to use her first name, because the girl she used to be died with her family. People addressed her with her parents name, or with her title, or with the nicknames they stuck at her. When she met Kaidan, for the very first time she craved to hear his warm voice calling her name. Then it finally happened, the night before Ilos.

_Their bodies joined, moving together following a passionate rhythm. Fingers intertwined over their heads, trying to be as close as possible but never close enough. Foreheads and noses touching, allowing their breaths to mingle. Eyes locked, reading the depths of each other's soul. His lips parted, chanting one single word, a word for long forgotten, that never sounded so sweet, so true._

The Commander was sure that she'd never have the chance to experience those things again – not until yesterday.

« Please, say my name  
Remember who I am  
You will find me in the world of yesterday

You drift away again  
Too far from where I am  
When you ask me who I am

Say my name  
These colors come alive  
In your heart and in your mind

I cross the borders of time  
Leaving today behind to be with you again

Say my name »*

Now she's ready to forgive and forget everything. She wants _him_ – she _needs_ him.

"EDI, how much time is left before we arrive at Citadel?"

"We are docking in one hour, Shepard."

"Thanks."

The woman inhales deeply and moves towards the bathroom. Just a quick shower and then she'll get ready for a long day full of awful red tape. Still, for once, the idea doesn't bother her, because she has just to endure till that special evening.

* * *

"Come on, lazy pilot. Get a move on. Dock this ship!" Shepard scolds Joker in the cockpit.

She is in a hurry to get out from the Normandy before meeting the Major. She's too restless at the moment to be able to talk to him – she doesn't even know how to _act_ in front of him by now.

"If you'd stop distracting me, perhaps I could do my job easily, Commander." Jeff growls back at her.

A faint hiss warns them that the door behind them is opening. "Good morning." Kaidan's husky voice makes Shepard freeze in place. _Crap._

"Good morning, Major." EDI replies.

 _Shit. What should I do now? Damn you, Joker._ She turns slowly towards Alenko, who gives her one of his gorgeous smiles, making her legs turning into pudding.

"G-good morning," she stammers.

He comes near her, their faces getting dangerously close. "Ready to leave the ship, Commander?"

"Oh yes. I've got a lot of stuff to do– things, you know. Till– this evening." She feels her cheeks burning – thank God Jeff's attention is focused somewhere else, or he'd have mocked her to death.

"I understand. I will be busy too. I've received a convocation by the turian Councilor, though I don't know what it's about, yet." His whiskey colored eyes are clearly trying to mesmerize her.

"All right. You're all free to leave the Normandy. Have a nice day." The pilot grunts, still annoyed.

"Thanks, Joker." Shepard replies mind-absently, unable to stop staring entranced at Kaidan.

"May I come along with you?" the Major asks, as soon as they're outside in the Docking Bay,

"I-I– Well, sure."

They begin to walk side by side, without saying a word. Sometimes her shoulder touches his arm accidentally or his hand brushes against hers, making her stomach jump excitedly. From time to time, she glances at the man, but his expression is indecipherable.

Is he thinking about their dinner? Then, all of sudden, Shepard stops, startled.

"Oh no. I forgot to do something. I'm sorry Major, I've to go back to the Normandy. Please, go on."

He looks at her a bit frustrated. "As you wish, Commander. So… See you this evening."

She gasps. "Yeah– Sure." And she runs back to the ship.

"Joker!"

"Yes, Commander?"

"We're going to leave the Citadel tomorrow at 0900. Please, warn the crew: tonight's shore leave for everyone."

* * *

 _Shit shit shit. Damned Elcor. Damn him and his slow motions!_ It took more than an hour and a half for the Commander to finish arguing with him. Now she's late for the dinner, she didn't even have time to go back to the Normandy to change her N7 suit with something nicer and appropriate for the occasion.

She rushes toward the elevator outside the embassies, ignoring the exhaustion resulting from the discussion. Yes, she is very tired, though she doesn't mind – she's much too restless and excited for the incoming date with the Major.

_Wait a minute. Is it really a date? She stops abruptly a few steps from her destination. Oh God. I keep thinking about this like it's date. What if I am wrong? Maybe he wants just– just–_

Still, no other explanation comes in her mind.

_Goddamn it, Shepard. You always have been a badass soldier, with no fears or weakness. Why the hell are you so fucking insecure when Kaidan's involved?_

She sets her back against the wall beside the elevator, trying to get a hold of herself.

Inhale… Exhale…

Inhale… Exhale…

She turns her head to her right, gazing at the large window in there, then she approaches it, leaning her forehead on the cold glass.

* * *

" _Garrus, are you there?"_

" _Good morning, Shepard." The Turian greets her from the other side of the Main Battery room._

" _How's going in here?" Her hesitant voice betrays her._

" _What's up, Shepard?" He looks at her, worried._

_She bites her bottom lip, uncomfortable. "Well, I– he– we–"_

" _Come on, you can do it," Garrus incites her._

" _Yes. I– I think– yesterday– this evening– oh fuck!" She pants. "Well, Kaidan– he invited me for a dinner at the Citadel, today." Her cheeks are now as red as her hair._

_Vakarian isn't surprised. He understood that the speech he gave to Alenko, together with Vega's words, should have managed to spur the human to speak to her, because yesterday she seemed finally happy and relaxed for the first time in months. And seeing her now, blushing awkwardly like that, makes her look… cute?_

" _This is a good thing, isn't it? I am not an expert in human behavior, of course – and least of all about your mating rituals. Yet, if I remember right from the vids you showed me, a request for a dinner should imply a romantic purpose."_

 _Her face lightens up, her eyes shining with hope. "So it_ is _actually a date, isn't it?"_

" _I am not the most qualified person aboard this ship to tell you that, but… Yes, I guess it is."_

_She gives him a large smile. "Thank you, Garrus. I– I should go now." And she leaves the room._

Human mating rituals are definitely complicated. _He thinks while he focuses his attention back on his calibrations._

* * *

 _Come on Shepard, even Garrus thinks that it is a date._ She sighs, watching the birds flying outside the windows and disappearing amid the trees of the Presidium Commons. Down there, somewhere there is her Major, waiting for her.

Nevertheless, she can't move a single muscle, overwhelmed by a chilling dread.

The truth is that the Commander is worried about herself. After her death, after Cerberus rebuilt her _–_ she still feels like _her_. At the same time, though, she knows she's not the same person. There is something different in her character, in her personality, and, most of all, in her body.

Her image mirrored on the glass shows that her appearance hasn't changed, if not for her longer hair. And yet James was right, she has a 'brand new body': the Illusive Man wanted her to be exactly how she was before her death, albeit all the cybernetic implants they installed in her had deleted all the blemishes and the scars she had. Now, even if she gets badly wounded, they heal her very quickly without leaving any mark on her perfect smooth skin.

She remembers how Alenko loved to kiss her scars, telling her that they made her even more beautiful and sexy. What about now? If the two of them would ever get back together, what would his reaction be seeing her fucking 'brand new body'?

_You can't escape anymore, Shepard. It's time to bring out your courage and face your fears, even if there's the risk you'll suffer again. Kaidan is definitely worth it. Otherwise, you will regret it for the rest of your 'second' life._

She casts one last peek at her reflection, adjusting a lock of hair back in her ponytail and straightening the collar of her suit. Then, she takes a deep breath and finally enters the elevator.

"Spectre status recognized – please select a destination."

"Presidium Commons."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * The song is “ _Say my name_ ” by  **Within Temptation**


	19. Chapter 19

As soon as the Commander arrives at Apollo’s, she spots Kaidan sitting at a table on one of the terraces, his attention apparently focused on the view in front of him.

For a brief moment the idea of escaping crosses her mind, but she chases it away immediately.

_Be strong. You can do it._

Inhaling the cold air of the Presidium, she approaches him, taking the chair next to him.

“Oh, Shepard, hey! There you are.” Alenko looks at her with his awesome amber eyes full of tenderness.

“I’m sorry I’m late, Major. I had troubles with an Elcor at the embassy.”

“Don’t worry, there’s no problem at all. Now you are here, that’s all that matters to me.” His joyful smile helps her relax a bit. “How’s your day, Commander?”

“Boring and tiring. What about yours, Major?”

“Much too long, I think.” He casts her a knowing glance that makes her shiver while handling her the menu. “Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this.”

“Maybe it’s better if we don’t ask how… or where.” She jokes.

Kaidan chuckles, crossing his arms over the table. “I’m glad we’re taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check”

“Yeah. Things have been pretty crazy.”

“You know, my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars. And there weren’t enough moments like this, with people I care about.”

The Commander sighs as she catches a shade of melancholy in his expression. “How are you feeling these days, Kaidan?”

“Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me. And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax,” he says, winking.

“Yeah, I think it’s a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart. Let’s talk! What are you drinking?”

“If you’re trying to butter me up,” he teases her, “it might take a nice steak sandwich, too.”

She raises a brow. “So?”

“Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?”

She reads the menu. “More likely to have Batarian Shard Wine.”

“At my parents’ place in Vancouver, I drank more than a few beers on their balcony, looking over English Bay.” And with that, the Major’s sad gaze wanders over the terrace. “Yeah, beautiful view…”

_“Honestly, I don’t know how I survived all the pain I suffered from losing you. I spent several weeks of shore leave at my parents’ house without saying a word to them, to anyone. All I wanted was to be dead as well.”_

Shepard recalls the words he said to her when they had their confrontation. _Is he thinking about those days…?_

He inhales deeply, and his attention is on her again. “You know what, though? I feel good about our chances.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It lets me sleep better at night.”

So the Commander is not the only one struggling to rest, after all. “You’re not sleeping, Kaidan?”

“Well…” He rolls his beautiful eyes awkwardly while rubbing his nape, embarrassed. “Maybe a little restless.”

She can’t help the smirk that twists the corner of her lips – he is so damn _cute_.

“The war isn’t the only thing keeping me up at night,” he continues, the look on his face suddenly changing into a serious one. “I wonder about… us.”

“Us?” A sudden fluttering starts at the pit of her stomach. _Here we are_.

Alenko takes another long breath. “I love you, Shepard… I always have.”

Her heart almost leaps out of her chest at the depth of emotion in his declaration.

“I want to understand what there is between us… and make it real.”

_Is he really saying…?_

“That’s what I want. What do you want, Shepard?”

Time stops. There are no sounds, there are no people, there is nothing else – there are only the two of them, their gazes locked onto each other.

The Commander is trembling, her cheeks are burning and her throat is dry. She’s been such an idiot, with all her useless fears about this moment, about _him_. And there he is, with his own heart laid bare in front of her, confessing his love all over again.

“What do I want? I want you Kaidan – I only want you. I _always_ only wanted you.” She did since the very beginning, and she always will. “I can’t bury what I feel for you anymore. And I don’t want to. I– I love you too.”

Alenko’s face lightens up at her reply, and she is completely enraptured by his reaction, as a surge of overwhelming joy threatens to burst out of her. He grabs her right hand and brings it to his left cheek. “And that makes me so happy. And there are benefits to that happiness.” He kisses her palm and then releases it from his hold. “But more on that later.”

It takes a few seconds to Shepard to wake up from her state of bliss. She stares at him, astonished. “W–what? Later?”

“Well, yes. Our drinks are here.” The Salarian waiter comes to their table with a bottle of wine and two glasses. “And I am going to take my time.” He grins.

_Later? Take his time? Is he kidding me? He just said he loves me, and I told I love him too. And now he wants to– drink? What the–_

“What are you thinking about, Shepard?” She can’t hide her disappointment, and the Major is clearly satisfied.

“I was wondering about how _delicious_ these drinks might be.” She tries to pull herself together, because she doesn’t want to appear bothered. Not even with him, not after his– _What the hell was that?_

“I bet their steak sandwiches are _delicious_ as well.” He remarks, amused.

“Oh yes, the steak sandwiches.” She grumbles.

She can barely believe that, after what just happened, now all Kaidan can think about is steak sandwiches.

_For God’s sake, why did I have to fall in love with a ravenous biotic?_

Then, just a glimpse at him, and she melts down. _Because he’s also adorable, sweet, lovely, handsome and sexy – amazingly sexy._

“All right Major, you win. Let’s try these steak sandwiches. I hope they’re worth the wait.”

He lets out a husky chuckle, that causes heat to pool in her belly.

_Fuck. What’s your problem, Shepard? Your spent months away from him, why are you letting your lust drive you crazy?_ Once again, the voice of reason returns to scold her. _Take a hold of yourself, damn it._

That’s true, she has to calm down. She glances around the terrace, trying to find something to focus her attention on, though she ends up looking down at her right hand. Her skin there is tingling – she can still sense the warmth of his kiss on her palm. Absent-mindedly, she begins to tap on the skull tattoo on her wrist. Alenko notices it, and he opens his mouth to say something, but he changes his mind right afterwards.

“What?” The Commander asks.

“I don’t know if– No, it’s not a good id–”

“Tell me, Kaidan.” She interrupts him, a little concerned.

“I’ve observed that the scars that you used to have – on your face, on your arms… They’ve disappeared.”

Here they go – the moment she feared most has finally come.

“Yeah. Cerberus implants cured all my scars. Now my skin is smooth like a newborn.”

Curiously, her last statement triggers an unexpected reaction in his eyes: they burned with desire for a moment.

“I see. And what about your tattoos? They seems to be exactly the same.”

“Yes, they are. Miranda Lawson told me that the Illusive Man wanted me to be precisely the same person I was before I died. And the tattoos are an important part of myself, so they preserved them, repainting them where they were ruined by my wounds.” A pang of pain crosses her chest – pondering about those things always unsettles her.

“I am glad they did.” His hand moves to caress her wrist. “I always liked your tattoos.”

Shepard bites her bottom lip. “Thanks. Then maybe you’re going to like also my new one,” she adds, flirty, thinking about the phoenix on her left shoulder blade.

His fingers brush her knuckles. “That sounds interesting.”

All of sudden she remembers the other tattoo that he still hasn’t seen – the little broken heart on her left breast. _Crap_.

Thankfully the waiter arrives with their sandwiches, interrupting her musings.

Alenko scans his own, scrupulously. “They don’t seem too bad, do they?”

“No, they don’t.”

* * *

They spend their dinner eating, drinking and having pleasant chats about their past and their present.

After they leave the restaurant, Kaidan stops at the bottom of the stairs, hesitating.

“You know, I met Joker and EDI, earlier. They told me that you gave a night of shore leave to the crew.”

Shepard nods.

“They will be at Purgatory, if you– we– would like to join them.”

_Oh no_. She swallows hard. “And do you want to?”

He moves besides her and takes her hand. “No, definitely not. I’ve got another plan for the evening.”

She grins relieved as she sees the intriguing expression on his face. “And what–”

“Follow me.” He leads her inside a taxi cab. “Now please, close your eyes.”

She obeys quietly, her fingers intertwined with his.

As the trip goes on, the Commander relaxes completely, leaning her head in the crook of Alenko’s neck, basking in the buzz of his biotics, his warmth, his heady scent, his pulse near her ear.

“Here we are, Shepard. But don’t open your eyes yet, I’ll guide you.”

He pulls her gently out of the vehicle, then, grabbing her middle, he spurs her to walk.

Being so close to him unleashes a discharge of electricity inside her body and she can barely breathe from the excitement. She feels so unbelievably good, with his large hands on her hips, his hot breath on her neck, his husky voice in her ear. “Step slowly. We’re almost there.”

After a while, he drops his grip on her and moves to her left. “Here we are. You can open your eyes now.”

She does as commanded, and, immediately, a strangled gasp escapes from her lips at the sight of the stunning panorama before her.

“Oh my God!” she exclaims. “How is this possible? We are at the Upper Wards! I thought they were still closed because of the extensive damage they suffered when the Sovereign exploded.”

“They’ve finished the repairs two months ago,” he explains.

They stay still for a moment, just staring at those huge windows – the same windows that caught their attention almost three years ago. It was the first time the Normandy SR-1 had docked at the Citadel. Commander Shepard with Lieutenant Alenko and Chief Ashley Williams had just finished speaking with the Council about the betrayal of Saren, and they were trying to find help for their mission. While they were heading to the C-Sec Academy, Kaidan halted to gape at the awesome view.

“You were like a child with an amazing new toy.” Shepard giggles at that sweet memory.

“Really? Well, it was my first time here – it was all new for me.” He focus his whiskey colored eyes on her. “And it was the first time I crossed the lines of fraternization with my Commander.”

She blushes. “I remember it very well.”

“You were talking about the fact that the other species had to like Humans, because we have oceans, beautiful women, that emotion called love…”

“And you said to me ‘When you put it that way, there’s no reason they wouldn’t like you– I mean, us! Humans! Ma’am’!” She attempts to imitate his embarrassed tone.

“Yeah. And Ash made a mischievous comment about it.”

“Oh, dear Ashley.” The Commander sighs at the thought of their dead friend. “Kaidan, thanks. This is an amazing surprise. This place will always be in m–”

He doesn’t let her finish her sentence as he slides his left hand around her waist and gently lifts her chin with the other.

Again both of them are hypnotized by the other, and the entire galaxy seems to halt around them.

It’s been seconds, minutes, hours? Shepard doesn’t know.

They stay still, looking at each other, listening to their heartbeats. She barely remembers that they are in a public place, that someone could recognize them, that they could be in trouble: she couldn’t care less because the only thing that matters is the man in front of her.

Finally, Kaidan leans his head and makes his way slowly towards her mouth, kissing her gently. The softness of his lips, his alluring scent, his warm breath on her face… they are all exactly how she remembers.

_God, how much I’ve missed him._

Their biotic implants are buzzing in unison, her powers struggling to burst out and interact with his. Shepard somehow senses she’s on the brink of losing control, needing more of him, and he’s clearly feeling the same, because he closes the gap between them, drawing her body flush against his, his lips becoming more demanding, moving with hers.

A faint discharge of dark energy erupts from her as his fingers move to her nape, pulling her even closer to him, and encouraging her to open her mouth. His tongue slides in it to savor her, exploring and meeting the tip of hers, and he strokes it gently, his salty taste inebriating her.

Her heart beats like a hammer in her chest while her arms glide up his pecs, locking behind his neck, tightening their hold further. Shivers of delight go down her spine as their tongues swirl and tangle with each other, in time with their biotics that are currently mingling, both of them giving low moans of appreciation in the back of their throats.

Breathless, Alenko breaks their kiss, resting his forehead on hers and striving to contain his powers. With his thumb he caresses her left cheek and her jaw, staring at her with eyes darkened by lust.

“You know,” he whispers, panting, “I haven’t been in your new cabin yet.”

“Oh, really?” Shepard chuckles against his lips. “And would you like to go there now, Major?”

“I’d love to, Commander.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! :D
> 
> Despite my terrible new job and the overwhelming hot that is threatening to kill me, Shepard and Alenko's story must go on. So enjoy it!
> 
> If you'd find some time to drop a review, you'd make this girl very very very happy! ;)

aidan can’t believe he managed to carry out his plan for the evening.

He’d dreamed so many times about having dinner with the love of his life and taking her to where it all began. That one spot where he first showed his attraction to her, where he embarrassed himself, where he let everyone know he’s a hopeless romantic.

He fought the need to drag her straight to her cabin and show her how much he loved her. Remembering all the years he spent without her, all the things that happened on their last day, all the words they said to each other, only made it harder. And damned Vega with his awkward ideas about her ‘brand new body’, that only gave him more fantasies.

He couldn’t avoid thinking about it all day long. Yes, he is a romantic person, yet he is also a man – a man in love with an amazingly sexy person. He still remembers perfectly how it was to hold Shepard in his arms, to caress her fragrant skin, to kiss her everywhere, to see her gaze burning with desire for him, to bury himself within her, to listen her moaning of pleasure while screaming his name.

God, he misses all those things too much.

_“Wait a minute, Lola. Are you actually saying that, after your death, after Cerberus rebuilt you… You never had any other affair?”_

_“That means that you still haven’t tested your brand new body?”_

Fucking Vega! It was already so hard to resist her, without his words to worsen his situation.

Anyway, it’s a relief to know that she didn’t move on with someone else. It terrified him when he thought about the people of the Cerberus crew: she’s an extraordinary woman, and she is also very attractive – who knows how many of them had tried to conquer her. God, only thinking about it makes his chest burn with jealousy.

Thankfully, somehow she had continued to love him, despite all the mistakes he had made. And now, finally, they’re together again, heading back to the Normandy. No, this it isn’t another of his umpteenth dreams, it’s reality!

Moreover, all his efforts to hold on during their date, were put to test by Shepard’s impatience. He didn’t expect she would react like that: is her need for him exactly the same as his for her?

His eyes flick towards her as they enter the ship. _I am the luckiest man alive._

“Welcome back, Commander, and you too, Major.” EDI’s voice sounds out from the comm in the CIC.

“Thank you,” she replies. “Is all the crew off the ship?”

“Yes, we’re at Purgatory. Do you need something?”

“No, I don’t. Thanks, EDI.”

“You and the Major aren’t going to join us, are you?”

“Err, no. We– actually–”

“I understand, Commander. You need some privacy.”

Kaidan smiles as Shepard blushes. “Well– yes. But– EDI please, don’t say anything to Joker.”

“Don’t worry. Jeff is too busy trying to show me his dancing skills at the moment.”

“Jesus! Good luck, EDI.” She laughs.

“You too, Commander. I hope that the two of you finally have come to an agreement about about your current emotional and sexual relationship.”

She startles slightly, embarrassed. “Oh well– I think–”

“According to my research about human mating, I can tell you that you two make an almost perfect couple.”

“Almost?” Kaidan asks, astonished.

“95% pros and 5% cons.”

“And why that 5%?”

“Because of the Alliance fraternization rules. At the moment I am researching if there are the same rules about fraternization between Council Spectres, though I haven’t found anything yet. I will update you if I find it.”

_Fucking regs._

“All right. Thanks again, EDI. Enjoy yourself in there.” Shepard cuts off the conversation, clearly uncomfortable.

“Of course, Commander.”

They wait for the elevator, an awkward silence surrounding them. When it arrives and they get inside, Alenko finds the courage to speak. “That was– weird.”

“Damn, it was.” Her gaze is focused on the floor, as a soft shade of vermillion colors her cheeks.

“But, well– 95% isn’t bad, is it?” He tries to lighten the mood.

She raises her head slowly to look at him. “No, I guess not,” she agrees, shyly.

“And it would be a 100% if there weren’t the fraternization rules,” he continues. _Fucking regs._

“Yeah, 100%– That’s– oh!” Her eyes widen as she realises the meaning of those words.

A ringing sound warns them that they’re arrived at their destination.

“So, Major, here we are: this is my cabin.” She invites him to enter with a gesture toward the entrance.

When the doors part, the sight of the huge loft stuns him. “Wow! It– It’s awesome!”

He already knew that the topmost deck of the ship contained only the captain’s quarters, but he had no idea it could be so big.

He steps in to admire all the room. “Shepard, it’s very beautiful.”

She shrugs, unimpressed. “Cerberus wanted give me comfort and privacy – excluding the fact they’d installed an AI.”

“All those models of ships, they’re great! And– wait. Do you have fish?” He can’t hide his surprise.

“Yes, and I can proudly affirm that I’ve managed not to kill anyone of them, despite all the bets Joker had had against me. And I’ve a space hamster, too.” She points to a glass terrarium on the shelf above her desks.

Kaidan approaches it, tapping gently on the thin wall. A little fluffy muzzle exits from the wooden house inside it, and two little dark globes peer at him.

“He’s cute, isn’t he? His name’s Flash.” She grins looking at the funny rodent.

“Flash?”

“He is very fast, so I was thinking about calling him FTL, Faster Than Light, while Tali insisted with RDC, Reactor Drive Core. In the end, thankfully, Joker prompted ‘Flash’ and we all liked it – himself included, isn’t it right, little guy?” she addresses the hamster sweetly, and he answers to her with a happy squeak.

The tenderness she shows her small pet makes his heart beat faster and his eyes burn with tears, he reaches out to embrace her when a faint beep distracts him. Capturing his attention, a frame on the desk switches on and his own smiling face appears on it.

The Commander curses under her breath, embarrassed. “Damn. As– as I told you, I used to have your picture on my table. The first frame had gone lost during Earth’s attack, so I brought another one as soon as I could.”

He stares at her, gawping: does she still love him so much? God, he is the luckiest man alive indeed.

While he tries to overcome the shock and the overwhelming emotions that are battling inside him, she walks away from him, her cheeks flushed and her lips slightly pouting.

“Please, let your hair down.” She points the couches in the lower part of the room. “Do you want something to drink? Err– Sorry, all I’ve got to offer is water.”

“Water’s fine, thanks.” He smiles at her, while following her instruction and sitting down on the leather seat.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” And she disappears behind a door near the entrance.

Kaidan glances all around the cabin, observing the fish tank, the armor locker, the large bed, the holo-clock on the nightstand.

Is that a music-holo-clock? He moves closer and turns it on.

« Say my name  
So I will know you’re back  
You’re here again for a while… »

The sweet love song invades the place, leaving him speechless.

_I already know these lyrics. But… how?_

A low gasp comes from behind him: Shepard is standing at the foot of the stairs, with two glasses in her hands and a guilty expression.

« Oh, let us share  
The memories that only we can share  
Together »

“What is this?”

“It’s called ‘Say my name’…” her voice is so low it’s barely a murmur.

« It hurts too much  
I pray now that soon you’ll release  
To where you belong… »

“I– when I woke up from my coma at the Huerta Memorial I had this song in my mind, though I’ve never listened to it.”

The surprise on her face is evident.

“Wait– is it because of you?” Alenko begins to understand.

Her cheeks turn bright red. “I– I– I thought you were unconscious.”

“Did you sing it to me?” He walks towards where she is frozen on the spot.

« Please, say my name  
Remember who I am  
You will find me in the world of yesterday… »

He takes the glasses out of her hands, puts them on the small table in front of the couches and turns back to her.

“When I saw you– lying unmoving on that hospital bed– I’ve never been so terrified.” She’s trembling, dazed.

« Say my name  
These colors come alive  
In your heart and in your mind

I cross the borders of time  
Leaving today behind to be with you again… »

He pulls her into his arms, holding her firmly as she buries her face into his chest and his fingers slide through her hair. His heart races as he inhales the sweet lavender scent of her and whispers in her ear, “I love you so much.”

« Say my name »

Another breath. “Sharilin.”

At his words, she raises her head to look at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Please, say it again,” she asks him, sobbing.

Alenko leans his forehead against hers, barely able to control the overwhelming feelings that are threatening to make his chest explode. “I love you, Sharilin.”

She starts to cry softly, and yet her beautiful features are now brightened by a gorgeous smile.

“I have missed you so badly, Kaidan.” God help him, but she is amazingly beautiful despite her shaken state.

“I have missed you too, Sharilin.” He cups her cheeks and kisses away her tears.

“Please, don’t leave me anymore.”

His kisses stop and he locks his gaze onto hers. “And you– don’t you dare to die on me again, Sharilin,” he orders while staring at her with a grave look.

Her expression turns serious, too. “I– I’ll try.”

“No, that’s not enough. You have to promise it to me. You are not going to die anymore – not without me.” His tone is firm and demanding, his palms warm on her jowls.

“Kaidan…” She hesitates.

“Promise me, Sharilin.”

She stays silent for a moment, meditative, then she surrenders. “I will not die anymore – not without you, Kaidan.”

“Good. You’d better not forget it, Sharilin. Do you understand?”

Her sky-blue eyes are still fixed on his. “I do.”

He draws their faces closer, their noses brushing. “And I promise you that, whatever it happens, I will never leave you again, Sharilin. We will always stay together, till the end of time.”

She sighs and the corners of her mouth bend in a lovely grin. “Together until our dying day.”

His arms slide around her and he embraces her tightly. He lowers his head, joining their lips passionately, determined to leave all the pain of the past behind them – at least for this night.  
  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nsfw stuff ahead! ;)

The holo-clock continues to play the love song, while Kaidan and Shepard are holding tight to each other in a heated kiss. Their demanding mouths are moving fast, their tongues colliding and swirling, their breaths quickening and their biotics humming.

"Loosen your hair, my love," Kaidan murmurs.

She complies without pulling apart from him, her crimson locks falling gently on her shoulders and down to her loins. He moves his lips over her chin, her jaw, the sensitive skin beneath her ear, and then he sinks his nose in all that lavender scented softness, caressing her nape.

"It is so long now," he says in awe.

"Ah– it was the only thing– I liked after I woke up from– my coma. And– I didn't have– the chance– to cut it after– Earth–" she answers, panting.

"Don't do it. It's gorgeous." He slips his fingers through the strands, inhaling deeply.

Shepard rests her hands on his chest, sensing his heartbeats under her palms, when he suddenly nips her throat at her pulse spot and she gasps out loud.

"Didn't you– say that– you wanted to– take your time?"

Alenko reaches her ear, sucking at her lobe. "Yeah. I wanted to take my time to enjoy the dinner with the most extraordinary woman in the galaxy. And now, I want to take my time exploring and tasting every inch of her body, getting lost within her and making her scream my name," he whispers huskily, pleased at her helpless moan.

His attention returns to her mouth, kissing her even more hungrily as he presses her against the fish tank. She slides her hands up from his pecs, his shoulders, and when she reaches his dark curls she digs her fingers into them, shivering lightly. They are mad with desire, their lips moving most desperately, with tongues, teeth and whimpers.

Kaidan needs to feel more of her, needs to feel bare skin. His hands make quick work of undoing her jacket, sliding it off her shoulders and tossing it aside. He breaks their contact to stare at her: her white tank top adheres perfectly to her curves, her black bra is visible underneath and her dog tags drop into the valley of her breasts, the rise and fall of her chest mesmerizing him.

He's caught by an urgent desire to undress her immediately, though he wants to take his time to savor her slowly, to relish in her presence. He forces his eyes to return to hers; she is gazing at him with an expression that seems to be simultaneously embarrassed and eager.

He smiles at her, fondly. "You are perfect, Sharilin." And then he kisses her again, his fingers gliding over the bare skin of her shoulders.

Shepard reacts by mimicking his last action with his jacket, moving away from the fish tank and driving him towards the large bed. When his legs hit the board, his shirt is on the floor as well, leaving his muscular chest naked. She pulls apart a few inches from him, just enough to contemplate his perfect body, her roaming hands exploring the expanse of his stomach, following the trail of dark hair that disappears into his pants. But before she can reach them, Kaidan reverses their positions and pushes her carefully on the bed.

She falls on the mattress, with her long hair scattered all over the sheets and a disappointed look on her face.

"Don't be hasty, my love. We've got all night." He grins. "First, we have to resolve a very complicated issue: removing these hulking boots from your delicate feet."

She giggles as he begins to work on her shoes. "Your laugh is the sweetest sound in the entire galaxy, Sharilin." His voice is full of affection and makes her blush instantly.

Once her feet are finally free, he turns his back to her and settles down between her legs to do the same with his own boots. She takes advantage of the situation, sitting behind him, stroking his bare back and brushing her lips across his olive skin, from his shoulder blades up to his neck. She gets dangerously closer to his body, until her breasts prop on him, and she catches his right earlobe within her teeth, making him quiver and let out a strong groan.

Kaidan snaps, flipping towards her and capturing her mouth with his. He devours her fiercely and his hands find the hem of her tank top; however, when he tries to slide his fingers underneath it, she stops him. He glances at her, confused, and for a brief moment it seems like she's worried about something, then she smirks at him. "Don't you remember that I told you about my new tattoo? Don't you want to see it?"

"Of course I do," he replies, relieved.

She gathers her hair on a side and she backs off from him, twisting and sitting on her knees. While she's taking off her top, Alenko recognizes the old N7 logo on her nape and the Spectre logo on her lower back – which he remembers she got the same day the Council gave her the title. At last she tosses the shirt from her head, and he is able to admire the brand new tattoo on her left shoulder blade, a magnificent bird with unfolded wings.

"Is it a phoenix?"

Shepard nods. "I had it done it the first time we docked at to the Citadel after– my awakening. I found out that imagining me as a phoenix, a mythological creature that revives from her own ashes, somehow helped me to carry on with my absurd situation." The guilt of rejecting her on Horizon stirs within him as soon as he notices that she's now trembling, "I know it's stupid–"

"No, it's not stupid at all." Kaidan swallows hard, chasing away all the bad thoughts. They're together now, and nothing will ruin their night. "It suits you perfectly. You're an extraordinary being with fire in your soul and a wild spirit," he murmurs, brushing the drawing of the bird with his forefinger.

He senses her shuddering under his touch, and he encourages her to lie down on the bed, her face sunken into a cushion. He begins to kiss the phoenix, while his hands wander over her naked skin: he can't help but notice her missing beautiful scars, something that will probably always make him nostalgic. Yet, he can relish in her amazing smoothness and the way he's still able to elicit whimpers of appreciation from her, remembering exactly every single sensitive zone of her body.

His lips move all over Shepard's back, kissing and lapping his way to her Spectre tattoo and then up to her N7 logo, and once more down until he reaches the clasp of her bra. Using his teeth, he manages to open it, making her give a little cry as he succeeds.

"Look at me, my love," he whispers in her ear while he's working to free her from the useless fabric. She hesitates, though when he aims at her neck, nipping and licking it, she twists towards him, letting him finish his work with her underwear.

Alenko stares at the breathtaking woman under him: her hair ruffled on the pillow, her cheeks flushed, her eyes looking at him, shyly. In a burst of pure passion, he takes her face in his hands and he kisses her again, and again, and again. "God, you are so beautiful, Sharilin."

She giggles against his mouth, a giggle that soon turns into a delighted moan as he returns his attentions to her chin, her jaw, her throat, her collarbones, and lower, between her breasts. He caresses them, gently, and moves to the left one, where he's aware there's her most important tattoo: he almost reached it when he notices that it isn't exactly the same drawing he used to know.

During the shore leave they had spent together, after defeating Saren and Sovereign, she told him the history of that tattoo, that it represented her family who died on Mindoir, each star being one person of her family, and that she always had been very protective and reserved towards it.

Now a little broken heart joined the other three symbols. "What…?"

He hears her breath halting, so he raises his head to face her: her eyebrows are knitted in a guilty scowl, her expression full of concern.

"Sharilin…?"

She sighs, nervous. "I extended this tattoo– after Horizon."

Suddenly, he understands why she looked so worried to remove her tank top and her bra: she was afraid he'd judge her for it. "My love…" his own heart breaks, thinking about how they both had suffered because of his stubbornness.

"It seemed clear, after our meeting, that I– I had lost you forever. But I knew that I could never love another man in my life, so– I wanted–  _something_ , which reminded me of the time spent with you– that no one could ever take away from me." Her voice is faltering.

Kaidan swallows hard, helplessly. "I am so sorry. I don't know what to say."

Then, unexpectedly, Shepard relaxes and her frown disappears. "Now you are here– you are with me again. This is not a dream, is it?"

Just one of her gorgeous smiles, and Alenko melts down, comforted. "No, absolutely, it isn't. And, as I promised you before, I will never leave you anymore, my love– my only love."

Without waiting any longer, he focuses on the drawing of the broken heart and he begins licking and sucking at it, like he wanted to delete it, along with his regret. The woman groans at his actions, spurring him on and on: he moves down, reaching her rosy nipple, and he wraps his lips over it, lapping and nipping it, while his left hand pinches its twin.

"Kai– d'n!" she gasps, almost shouting.

He inverts the position, kissing her right breast and caressing the other, hearing her heartbeats quicken, her fingers disarranging his short hair and her sweet voice calling his name wantonly.

He continues to lavish his attention on her soft skin, going down on her belly but without removing his hands from her bosom. She cries out as he plunges his tongue in her navel and soon he reaches the top of her trousers.

He sits on his heels to have easy access to her belt and free her from the rest of her garment. When he's done, he reveres her sexy black panties with a predatory stare, his right hand moving of its own volition to touch her deeply through the starkly damp lace and the other caressing her velvety leg.

Her face flushes, her eyes close and she sucks in her bottom lip, trying to control her own lustful whimpers as her fingers cling to the sheets. Kaidan leans over her to whisper in her ear, without interrupting his ministration, but, suddenly, her lids spring open and she leaves her hold on the bedding to pull him near her.

"Now it's  _my_  turn," she states, and she nimbly swaps their position, pushing him beneath her: her lips are on his brows, his nose, his cheeks, the dimple of his chin, his jaw, his neck, and further down. He can't stifle his groans of pleasure, feeling the woman he's always madly loved, caressing and kissing him ardently like she used to do years ago, the way that never failed to drive him utterly insane.

Completely lost in his entranced state, he almost fails to notice that she has just reached his pants and she has started to unbutton them. Before she can actually complete her action, he sits and wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her near his chest, and then he turns her down back on the bed, crushing his mouth on hers.

"I didn't finish with you," she grumbles.

He chuckles. "Your time was over, my love. Now you're going to be mine." And with that, her panties are thrown away, along with his trousers.

He rests on his knees, towering over a beautifully naked Shepard, her long legs splayed before him. His throat goes immediately dry at the sight of her intimate parts, the idea of tasting her there making him dizzy with desire.

Unfortunately, though, it'll have to wait for another moment, because the tightness in his boxers is becoming unbearable, something that Shepard must have noticed, given that she begins to stroke his arousal through the cloth.

"Fuck–" he mutters, her initiative catching him unprepared. "St– stop– stop. I– Fuck. I– I want you so badly, Sharilin." His voice is faltering with urge. "I need to be inside you."

His underwear joins the rest of their clothes on the floor, and he lies down above her, positioning himself between her thighs. As soon as their limbs touch, their biotics jolt alive, scattering tiny discharges of energy that run deliciously all over their skins.

Kaidan's eyes lock onto hers and she meets his gaze, her eyes dark with desire, her breath heavy on his lips, his right hand cradling her cheek.

"Are you ready? Can I–"

"Yes, please," she answers, almost begging him.

He inhales thoroughly, and he buries himself within her oh-so-slowly, their eyes never breaking their contact, while feeling her amazingly wet walls clenching on him, inch by torturous inch. When he is fully sheathed inside her, they both groan in unison and their implants that buzz wildly.

His heart is about to explode from the joy of being joined with her again after all those years of mourning and longing, and when he starts to move his hips, he is damn sure it halts its beating for a split moment.

"God–" All his memories about the sex they had before never got even close to the unbelievable pleasure he's experiencing now –  _they_  are. Each long thrust he makes is rewarded by a wanton moan from Shepard, whose hands are greedily clutching his round butt.

Her nipples brush his chest, turning him on further. He speeds up his heated pace, spurred by her sweet voice calling his name and her fingers pressing into his skin: the more he pushes fast, the more her grip tightens and the volume of her voice increases.

The room is filled with the sounds of their lovemaking and alight with the blue auras of their biotics that are running free, surrounding their sweaty bodies. Kaidan's self-control is all but forgotten, the pounding of his hips against hers losing all his rhythm in favor of the sense pure need that is consuming them.

Fuck, it is so incredibly good that he would like it would never end, but, somehow he's aware he isn't going to last much longer, and by the fierce way Shepard's nails are marking his back, she's close, too.

"Kaidan! I– I'm–"

"Yes, my– love. Together– with me," he stammers.

One last, deep thrust, and she finally cries out as she climaxes, followed immediately by his own.

They remain clung to each other, their foreheads pressed together, fighting to regain control over their powers and their labored breaths, basking in the aftermath of their overwhelming passion.

After a while, Shepard raises her right hand to brush her fingers over his cheek, and sighs. "I was completely lost without you, Kaidan."

He leans into her touch, looking at her with his eyes full of love. "It was the same for me, Sharilin. Now that I have you back in my arms, I'm feeling alive at last, after almost three years."

She nods. "You have returned to where you belong," she quotes the love song still played by the holo-clock.

"And I'll be there forever." He kisses her ardently, silently vowing never to walk away again.


End file.
